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*Putting on a brave face* (Wall of text crits you for OVER 9000!)

Monday, March 12, 2012

The past week has had its ups and downs.

Jezi moving in has been AMAZING. I keep apologizing for coming off as neurotic about things like cleaning up the house and doing dishes or laundry immediately, but it's because I don't want to slip into bad habits that I had in the apartment. But you know what? She's SUCH a good roommate so far! I feel like I have a partner willing to do her share rather than living with a man-child expecting me as substitute-mommy to clean up after him. Seriously...with him, I made most of the meals (he justified it with the fact that he USED to make most of the meals, despite me saying that if he hated being the main cook then, then he should know I'm not happy about it now--this was supposed to be a partnership, not a game where we were keeping score and dong things tit-for-tat) and cleaned up everything afterward. When he made meals (although to be honest, he brought home fast food or ordered delivery as often as he could), *I* still ended up cleaning up after him.

Not so with Jezi. She's taking initiative to cook and clean up and help out. There are times I just stare at her in shock because she does something nice completely unbidden. I had forgotten what it was like to have a *partner*.

I also found out it's okay to have a breakdown in front of her.

On Friday I sent an email to The Guy's mother and sister (his mom would share with his dad) about our breakup. I didn't share all the gory details, but hinted heavily that he was cheating. I took my share of the blame as well...I wasn't trying to vilify him, but also wasn't going to say he was a total innocent in this.

I said I hoped to be able to still call them family, but if the breakup cost me that, I loved them dearly.

But I think it cost me anyway.

His mom was polite, but felt like closure, and not in a good way. The "Fred and I wish you well," had a *final* feeling to it, and there was no comment hinting at, "We still love you." Apparently The Guy told his mom about two days prior to my email.

His sister--the one I was a bridesmaid for--JUST responded. It feels a little friendlier of a response, but still feels like a door closed. And The Guy showed up late to our weekend dungeon group because she drove down (3 hours) to visit him and take him out to dinner the day after the email. It hurt. I felt kicked when I was already down, and like he was being treated when he was the one who cheated.

I don't have any family. My parents are both deceased and I cut off communication with my brother when he showed his true colors over the estate (greed and self-centeredness). Seriously, he never asked how I was holding up, just demanded his money after making me jump through hoops, then said he'd take me to small claims court after hinting that I was intentionally trying to stiff him $1265...which wouldn't have been an issue if it wasn't for his meddling which caused the aforementioned hoop-jumping.

So it felt like the ONE THING that truly mattered--maintaining a good relationship with his family that had pretty much embraced me as one of their own for 10 years--was stripped away. When you don't have any family, losing what amounted to your "adoptive family" hurt. A LOT. Worse, it's because I'm also still protecting HIS secrets and the skeletons in HIS closet, and that knowledge...not even being able to tell tearing me up inside.

I just want to reply back to them: "HE. CHEATED. ON. ME. AND. I. HAVE. PROOF." But I know that won't help me any. I think it's because I feel like I've already lost them so losing whatever is left of their respect doesn't matter, but dangit, it's NOT FAIR that he gets to get away being such a skunk and they don't know.

Whenever we had an argument I would say how his behavior was hurtful. He screamed at me, used manipulation, guilt trips, called me a liar on multiple occasions, and actually said my chronic depression was BULLSH!T. He even once called me a b!tch. I NEVER called him names like that, or attacked him as a person. So that devil on my shoulder is telling me, "He doesn't deserve protection! And he doesn't deserve to get away with everything he's done!"

It makes me so angry!

*deep breath*

I still have stuff at the apartment. The apartment is still a pigsty. I can't believe I lived like that for so long. I need to finish moving, and then...who cares. He can sleep in the bed he's made for himself. He's losing friends left and right, and that's not even my doing. Other people are getting sick of him, and they didn't go through half of what I put up with. Heck, they don't even know.

But my house is feeling wonderful. I'm finally shaking off the remnants of the bad memories of dad's (and mom's) illness, my brother's behavior, and my relatives' meddling. I'm dragging my feet on cleaning up the office, which has the majority of dad's "stuff" to deal with: computers, files, documents which may or may not be important, etc. The office was also my brother's childhood bedroom, somthere's still some of his stuff to box up and put in the basement.

Other than that, I still need to get my shower fixed, but I'm hopefully selling the other car within the week and the money from that will go to the shower and bills. That was a nice windfall. I had to get a new homeowner's insurance policy and when the agent came out to get measurements and stuff he noticed the other car that had been here unused since Dad died. Turns out his stepson's car just died, so he was looking for a reliable car at a decent price. This one will need new tires and a new battery, plus whatever work since it was sitting for so long. I'm estimating probably around $1500 or less worth of work and parts (based on what I paid to get my car going again when I let it sit for too long). It had been appraised at $3000 for the estate, so I'm offering it for $1500. Probably low-balling it, but honestly the insurance agent is someone we've trusted for 25 years. I remember sitting down with him when I got my drivers license and taking his "good driver" test before he put me on my parents' insurance. I'm glad the car is likely going to a good home, especially since it was my dad's car. I'm not particularly attached to it, but it was still DAD'S so I want the best for it.

I've also done other home improvements to the house in the form of changing the locks on the doors. I found a To-Do list from the late 90's, and my parents had wanted to change the locks for a LONG time. Considering a few house keys walked off with relatives during both my mom's and dad's funerals (several going home with my brother, I'm sure), it's kinda nice to feel like the house is going from "I live here and they can come over and walk in whenever they want" to actually being MINE and they'd have to ring the doorbell and be actual guests in MY house again.

And as I said, living with Jezi has been wonderful! I had my breakdown on Saturday night, and yesterday (Sunday) she was telling Twitter that living here is amazing, so she declared it Ailinea Appreciation Day. A few of our friends responded...not a whole bunch, but it made my day. You know, come to think of it, The Guy never even posted to our guild forum or Twitter or anything on my EVER (yet I did it for him)...but Jez was always mindful of that kind of thing.

In two days her Boy-Thing (our term for significant other...not to be confused with "Man-Child" as I often call The Guy based on his behavior) will be coming to visit, and he knows all the gory details. Many hugs will be had before Jezi has her way with him. And in a week, Best Male Friend will also be visiting, so I'll be surrounded by wonderful loving people. SUCH an improvement over the environment I'd been in where I was living in a dump in an estranged relationship, caged away from the world with only my computer as a link to others. We have another friend who wants to road trip down here, and still another who wants to visit during what would have normally been our spring Ren Faire get-together. I offered to host a nice dinner party if he and his wife come up...something I always wanted to do but couldn't because the apartment was such a mess.

...I guess that's all I have for now.

The sad part is that this is the one space where I really get to talk about what's on my mind. In a way, y'all know me better than people who have known me longer and have visited in person. They SHOULD know the whole truth. But I can't just spill it in public at them like this. It sucks.

But if you've read this far, thanks for listening. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Good for you not spilling the beans to his family. It's hard, but you're a better person for it! And living with a respectful, caring person will give you a good list of qualities to look for in your next Boy-Thing. ;)
    2261 days ago
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