How is the weight protective for me?

Sunday, March 04, 2012

I saw my primary doctor the other day and she asked me this question and then told me to journal about it. I've been thing about this since our visit. I was always very thin, i'm 4'11" and when i graduated high school i weighed 89 lbs. i was underweight and sickly. then when i started gaining weight i started to feel better. I was very happy around 100 lbs. I felt good, but I managed to keep 130 for a little while, then had a baby, went to 160ish, then had another baby. Then we moved and ever since then i kept gaining. I was on antidepressants for 10 years and that didn't help. So what was the weight protecting me from. Well could be a number of things. I was a little wild as a child sexually, could it be i'm hiding from who i once was? I don't want to go back being that girl again. Am i hiding from not having a voice. growing up I was always told to be quite or comments were made that made me feel like my thoughts didn't matter. This even carried over into my work. Any suggestion i made i was always looked at like i was stupid. Thing is i'm not stupid, i'm pretty smart and very intuitive and listen to my gut a lot and well people don't like that. So is it easier to have the weight and be invisible?

When I was very young i was touched by a neighbor boy. When i actually started having memories about this i was in therapy for my panic attacks (which are triggered by a low normal thyroid range). later on one of the landlords we had used to jerk off in front of me. and later i was date raped by someone i knew and liked, but when i told him no, he continued. I laughed it off and didn't confront my emotions then. And i think that led to my teen years of being wild. And i think this is probably where my weight stems from.

I'm not that same girl, i was as teen or even mid-twenties. I've matured, grown and now have a family of my own. But those emotions even though i'm ok with what happened, is still stuck inside of me. For the longest time i never thought i was worthy of anything, worthy of happiness, worthy of being healthy, worthy of being loved. Only in the last say 6 mos have i really started looking at all of this and looking at the energy these emotions have left behind inside of me. I know what happened and logically i'm ok with it. Honestly they have made me a stronger person and I hope a better mother and a mother my girls can talk to when they are going through this. I never felt that about my own mom. she's a great mom, but when you hear it's your fault all the time one tends to think everything is your own fault even though it's not. Do i tell her this, nah, why hurt her. I can work on me without hurting her. The emotional level of me is not ok with these things and that is what i have to work on.

Love myself
Honor myself
Respect myself

I will start seeing a therapist again in about a week and 1/2. She works with you to heal the mind body and soul. i'm ready, i'm ready to heal, i'm ready to love myself. I'm prepared for some up's and down and lots of emotions. I deserve this! i deserve to be free again. the young girl that got squashed was a free girl, a happy girl, very much a free spirit. that part of me will come back.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sounds like you're really working things out.........It's important to examine underlying issues as being overweight is rarely about just eating too much and not execising enough. I know I kept an extra 50 pounds around for more than a decade to protect myself.......It made me less desirable to a man I no longer wanted to be with (my ex-husband) and kept me from straying during my unhappy years with him.......Amazingly, after my divorce, the pounds almost melted away......Food was also a way to medicate myself from the pain of an unhappy marriage. These issues are always more than what you can see on the surface. Go for it girl !
    2773 days ago
    ((((HUGS)))) Micki!! I'm proud of you for seeing help!! Love ya girl!!

    KISSES ;)
    2781 days ago
  • RAFKA3

    2781 days ago
    so glad you are seeking help.. as someone who has been there... it is very important...
    2781 days ago
    So glad you are going to the therapist - you are SO worth it!
    Namaste my friend.
    2781 days ago
    I love that your doc asked you that question. I'm glad it's making you think and that you're being proactive about the things that happened in your life. It's easy to eat emotions, it's harder to work through them. I'm glad you're choosing the healthy course! Good for you!
    I'm hear if you need me and I know you'll be a lot healthier because of it!
    Keep going!
    2782 days ago

    I often wonder why we can't see in ourselves what others see. In you I see a wonderful mother, a strong and motivated woman, a devoted friend. Our past makes us the amazing people we are but does not define us.

    I think it's really important to look deep within and I'm glad you took the time to think about this. I hope it helped you.

    2782 days ago
  • ANYVAR54
    The past is behind you, don't let it define who you are today. It sucks. I have some stuff that I have held onto from my past too. I am sorry for you as I can be. Don't know if that would help knowing that. You have to work on it, and I hope that the therapist can help. I have seen a therapist for some time. On and off. Best to you. Ravyna
    2782 days ago
    Wow! You've been through a lot, haven't you? Well, you are a much stronger person for it! But you are correct in seeing a therapist. Hopefully, it will help! I grew up with an alcoholic father and it has colored my life ever since - causing weight gain that I'm sure I hide behind, too!

    We can do this!!!

    2782 days ago
    You can't change the past, so God bless and best of luck to you on your journey forward.
    2782 days ago
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