How is the weight protective for me?
Sunday, March 04, 2012
I saw my primary doctor the other day and she asked me this question and then told me to journal about it. I've been thing about this since our visit. I was always very thin, i'm 4'11" and when i graduated high school i weighed 89 lbs. i was underweight and sickly. then when i started gaining weight i started to feel better. I was very happy around 100 lbs. I felt good, but I managed to keep 130 for a little while, then had a baby, went to 160ish, then had another baby. Then we moved and ever since then i kept gaining. I was on antidepressants for 10 years and that didn't help. So what was the weight protecting me from. Well could be a number of things. I was a little wild as a child sexually, could it be i'm hiding from who i once was? I don't want to go back being that girl again. Am i hiding from not having a voice. growing up I was always told to be quite or comments were made that made me feel like my thoughts didn't matter. This even carried over into my work. Any suggestion i made i was always looked at like i was stupid. Thing is i'm not stupid, i'm pretty smart and very intuitive and listen to my gut a lot and well people don't like that. So is it easier to have the weight and be invisible?
When I was very young i was touched by a neighbor boy. When i actually started having memories about this i was in therapy for my panic attacks (which are triggered by a low normal thyroid range). later on one of the landlords we had used to jerk off in front of me. and later i was date raped by someone i knew and liked, but when i told him no, he continued. I laughed it off and didn't confront my emotions then. And i think that led to my teen years of being wild. And i think this is probably where my weight stems from.
I'm not that same girl, i was as teen or even mid-twenties. I've matured, grown and now have a family of my own. But those emotions even though i'm ok with what happened, is still stuck inside of me. For the longest time i never thought i was worthy of anything, worthy of happiness, worthy of being healthy, worthy of being loved. Only in the last say 6 mos have i really started looking at all of this and looking at the energy these emotions have left behind inside of me. I know what happened and logically i'm ok with it. Honestly they have made me a stronger person and I hope a better mother and a mother my girls can talk to when they are going through this. I never felt that about my own mom. she's a great mom, but when you hear it's your fault all the time one tends to think everything is your own fault even though it's not. Do i tell her this, nah, why hurt her. I can work on me without hurting her. The emotional level of me is not ok with these things and that is what i have to work on.
I will start seeing a therapist again in about a week and 1/2. She works with you to heal the mind body and soul. i'm ready, i'm ready to heal, i'm ready to love myself. I'm prepared for some up's and down and lots of emotions. I deserve this! i deserve to be free again. the young girl that got squashed was a free girl, a happy girl, very much a free spirit. that part of me will come back.