Sunday, March 04, 2012
To explain my status update from earlier, in case I haven't mentioned it or you don't want to go that far back:
I am absolutely petrified of bees & wasps. I'm scared of pretty much all insects & arachnids, but wasps fill me with complete, unreasoning terror. The reason I didn't get enough sleep on Thursday night is because I had a nightmare about a giant wasp (it was about 12" long). And that was just because a FB friend I haven't seen in about a decade said she'd found one in her house.
I'm the only person I know who dreads spring. The closer we get to long sunny days and temps above 40, the more my tension level climbs. It's a serious problem. It's been getting progressively worse as the years go by. Last year, I finally broke down & attempted to seek professional help. I started seeing a psychologist, but she had problems of her own; she had lupus, & ultimately cancelled more appointments than she managed to make it to. We were supposed to meet weekly; in 3 months, we met 4 times. & we hadn't worked on my phobia at all. So I stopped seeing her, & tried to find a replacement. Health insurance being what it is, my options were pretty bloody limited; I was unsuccessful. So I went through last spring & summer in terror. It was almost fortunate that I was so sick; it gave me an excuse not to go outside. Pretty much at all. The only exception was the family trip to Lake Placid. I'd been assured that it's usually pretty cool there. Nature decided to mess with me - we didn't get a day with a high below 90 till it was almost the end of the vacation. Since it's usually so cool, the house we were staying in wasn't equipped with air conditioning. I'm probably one of the only people who would choose to sit in a sweltering house rather than outside on the lakeshore, simply because of fear.
I hate this. I'm so tired of being crippled by this STUPID phobia. I'd hoped that maybe, for some reason, maybe I'd be better this year. The fact that I'm currently afraid to go to sleep because I don't know where the light fixture mystery bug that MAY have been a wasp ended up, plus my nightmare from the other night, pretty much proves that's not the case.
Thus begins the 7 8 months out of the year that I never feel completely safe. When the only way I get any sleep is on drugs. Where my friends ask me to do things with them, & I have to refuse, because even though it's not safe in my own home, it's less safe elsewhere.
I am so tired of being a crazy person.