An apology and an explanation
Friday, March 02, 2012
I want to start this blog by apologizing to all of my Spark Friends (old and new) for being pretty MIA over the last week. I'm having some pretty horrific personal issues right now, and I'm just not feeling very social. To be honest, I'm doing a fairly good job of falling apart. To my old friends, I PROMISE I will ease back into action on here as I feel "better"...and I'm SO sorry for just kind of bailing on everyone. To my new friends--I promise I'm not usually like this!! Bear with me...I'm just going through some stuff right now.
That being said, the personal issue--I caught my husband cheating on me last Thursday. As hindsight is 20/20, there were clues over the last several months...I just didn't pick up on them. I've been "hiding" over the last week while I've been trying to process this information...I am SO confused, hurt, angry, depressed...a general mess. My "normal" method of dealing with hardship in my life is to turtle up, smile EXTRA brightly, and pretend it's not happening. That has not really been effective for me AT ALL in the past...but it was still my first instinct when confronted with the proof (yes, there is actual proof) that my husband is cheating on me. It is a little out of character for me to share this information with "the world" at large, so it is REALLY uncomfortable, but I feel like confronting these feelings in a very open manner is the RIGHT thing to do right now. I've had a lot of success with myself in blogging about all of my icky feelings that got me into the unhealthy situation I was in with health and fitness, as I guess you can't really keep lying to yourself once you've put things into writing, so...I'm thinking the blog is a good next step in dealing with this other issue in my life.
For the last 4 months, things have been very "odd" between my husband and myself. He has been really, really distant, with very short spurts of extreme neediness thrown in to confuse the situation. He has been extremely distrustful of ME for no good reason...I don't work, I don't socialize in "real life" with people he doesn't know, I ALWAYS have at least one kid on my metaphorical hip, and (minus the time I spend working out) all of my time is spent taking care of him, our children, and our home. I have never strayed from our marriage, either physically or emotionally. Outside of one trainer at the Y (who is happily married, in his 60's, and "known" to my husband), I don't have any male friends. You get the point...I don't know WHAT he's suspicious about. Except...that suddent intense distrust of one's partner without provocation is a well documented symptom of "the cheater".
I've been incredibly uneasy about this for months now...but as the saying goes, denial is not just a river in Egypt. Since mid-January, things have really "stepped up" a lot on the suspicious behavior meter...not that I paid attention to them at the time, but again, hindsight is 20/20. He's been staying up later and later, running outside to talk on the phone when he gets phone calls, he changed the password on his laptop, he's been "working" a lot more, and he's been pretty unpleasant to deal with in general when he's deigned to grace us (the kids and I) with his presence. Also, probably TMI, but he's not had any interest in "relating" to me...which is VERY out of character for him. When we went to the Kings/Lightning hockey game a few weeks ago, there was a very odd situation in the car on the way home...I was on the phone with my mother, when I heard a very loud "booty" song playing...from inside of the truck. My husband visibly tensed and starting panting (?). I told my mother that I had to get off of the phone, and by the time she shut up so that I could hang up, the music had stopped...then started playing again. Much like the ring of a cell phone...but not from my phone (in my hand) or my husband's (on the dash). Then it stopped...and my husband had "deer in the headlights" look about him. I kind of laughed it off like "what was that?" and he didn't know, supposed it must be one of our 4 year old's toys in the backseat (in retrospect, like we give her toys that play booty music?), and we didn't speak of it again. I thought about it for weeks before I said anything else to him about it, because I like to be in denial, and it was just too "crazy" for me to process at the time. When I brought it up again, he laughed uneasily and said he didn't know, it must have been someone having a house party on the side of the road or something. While we were driving at 70+mph down an interstate, and it lasted for over a minute, maybe two. This is when I really became suspicious. I started paying way closer attention to his behavior at that point...and things just weren't adding up. He went from working 6-8 hours a day (he owns his own business), to working 8-10 hours a day...with no more money coming in to show for it. He talked in EXCRUCIATING detail about the "new" customers he had, all on the far north side of town, but no names for these customers, addresses, etc. Kind of like (ha) someone trying to set up a story to cover their tracks. (I should mention, I run the "office" end of his business...billing, payroll, etc. and there was nothing new coming in.) Valentine's Day came and went without ANYTHING from him...not even a "Happy Valentine's Day" or a hug...and I tried to make a reasonable deal about it with dinner, some decorations, a small gift. I got a grunt from him and a long diatribe about his tooth hurting before he sequestered himself in his office for the rest of the night. The final straw came on Wednesday of last week, when I called him while he was working to get his password for his laptop so that I could print out some coupons (for those of you that don't know, I'm a couponer and you can only print out 2 online coupons per computer, so my needing to print out coupons from his computer also is not unusual)...and he flipped out. Refused to give me the password, and actually came all the way home from working at 11am because he wanted to log on himself and make watch me download the coupons. This is the point in which I could no longer lie to myself...something was going on. So that night, I got crafty and started snooping, which is something that I am almost ashamed to admit...I am a firm believer in not "man sitting" husbands, trusting your spouse,whatever. I'm making an exception for myself in this instance because I came to the conclusion that there is a huge difference between being a crazy you-know-what and having legit suspicions. Anyway, I checked his FB page...to discover that he had become "friends" with his ex-fiancee and his old "sex buddy" (you know what I mean). There is NO reason AT ALL to be in any kind of contact with either of these women. The ex, for starters, is a nightmare on wheels. About a year and a half into our relationship, she tried to contact him again (after many years of no communication), and I was warned by EVERY member of his family (including the crazy ones...if the crazies think someone is crazier than them, it is a giant warning sign for me), AND was warned about her my my husband (then fiancee). I had to run her off in no uncertain terms, and it got ugly. In his own words, she is a no good, cheating, lying, stealing, drama case who gets her kicks from breaking up relationships and causing trouble, and he didn't want anything to do with her at all, ever again. So him having contact with her now on FB is a HUGE HUGE HUGE inconsistancy. Again, no reason for him to speak to her at all...unless there is something going on. Back to the old sex buddy, same thing. He was "relating" to her when we met...but he told me about it the day after we met and stopped seeing her immediately because he wanted to have a "real" relationship with me. They weren't even (according to him) friends...he met her at a bar, and they would bascially hook up after the bars closed on Friday and Saturday nights, with no other contact between. So why would he need to "reconnect" with this woman? Anyhow, back to the story...I found this information and was DEVESTATED...this behavior is enough to end our marriage, right there. Emotional cheating is still cheating and even worse as far as I'm concerned than physical cheating. The complete betrayal, the disrespect, the months of lying he'd been doing...just enough. I got on the phone and started calling people...my mom, friends, I even e-mailed Jacque because I needed people to tell me that I wasn't crazy...there was a big problem. Roughly an hour and a half later, I logged back into FB to do some more digging...and found that he'd deleted both of the women. WHY???? I ask, would you suddenly delete these women if there wasn't anything nefarious going on?? Sad attempt at track covering anyone? So I sat, and stewed, and fumed until the next morning. I woke up early to go check his truck out before he woke up...to find the spare keys were no longer there. Warning. Snuck very quietly into his office (where he slept) to get his "actual" keys...where he was sleeping with them in his hand. I very quickly took them out of his hand, which half woke him up, and ran out to his truck to snoop as quickly as possible...where I didn't have much time to look, and didn't find the other phone or anything else incriminating. BUT...I also didn't find the usual things I could expect to find in his truck...junk, receipts, files, etc. It was clean...REALLY out of character. He is the epitome of lazy, and NEVER does any kind of cleaning or anything like it. The truck looked like it had been 'wiped'...which is (knowing him like I do) just as bad as if I'd found a phone or something. I went back into the house and waited for him to go back to work...and then I started snooping again. My first start was to try to crack the password on his laptop, which would have been pretty easy EXCEPT that he took his powercord from his laptop with him to work. (WARNING) I got into his FB account, and saw that it too had been wiped...except that he missed one message from his ex-fiancee...of them making plans to meet for lunch back in November. Again, the lunch is enough...but knowing this woman like I do, it wasn't just lunch. And he'd been lying to me since November. I got into his MySpace account...to find that he is friends with her there too...and has been since March of 11. I got into his two known e-mail accounts...where I found that he'd deleted every e-mail since mid January. Every other email was there from mid January all the way back to 2010, and some even older...why just delete the last month and a half? This is the point at which I started packing things for myself and the kids and then stopped myself...and started packing his things. Some clothes, and his "important" stuff like his laptop and his Xbox 360...really the only two things he cares about in the house, taking presidence over everything else including myself and the children. I texted him (couldn't speak at this point) to get his stuff and he was being kicked out. No word from him all day until he came home (very late for him/his business) at 5:30. My mother had had the prescence of mind to come over and take the girls for me so that they wouldn't see the fireworks when he got home. He wouldn't leave, we argued in the front yard like a couple of hillbillies for over an hour (which I am SO SO SO embarassed about)...and he had nothing to say for himself except "I didn't do anything" and his big explanation for not letting me use his laptop was that he was downloading a movie for me as a surprise and he didn't want me to see it. When I pointed out that you CANNOT download anything on a powered off computer, he changed the story to having already downloaded it, and was afraid that it would "pop up" when I turned the computer on. I also pointed out that files do not "pop up", they have to be found and pulled up manually. (I am not a computer genious, I just know what I know and it's enough...and he is FAR FAR FAR more knowledgeable about computers, making this story a total lie). Wouldn't discuss the women, wouldn't discuss the other stuff...nothing. Lying is a trait that his family is known for and takes pride in...I call it "Howarding"...they deny, distract, tell half truths, and you have to pull every little bit of info out of them and EVEN THEN...you might never get the whole story. As I know him very very well, I can tell you with 100% certainty, he was lying. He goes stone cold killer when he's lying, I've seen him do it a million times...and he was lying. He wouldn't leave because he was worried about giving up his stuff, so I had to call the police to get him to go. Once they told him that is worked out in court and leaving has nothing to do with it, he was more than happy to go. And that brings this story up to last Thursday night.
There is more of this story to tell...but I just don't have the strength to do it right now. I've been typing this off and on for 2 hours, crying, getting angry, reliving the hurt and the pain...and I'm emotionally exhausted now. I just can't write anymore right now. I will blog this story up to the present at a later date...hopefully tonight. I need to get it out, but I just can't do anymore right now.