An apology and an explanation

Friday, March 02, 2012

I want to start this blog by apologizing to all of my Spark Friends (old and new) for being pretty MIA over the last week. I'm having some pretty horrific personal issues right now, and I'm just not feeling very social. To be honest, I'm doing a fairly good job of falling apart. To my old friends, I PROMISE I will ease back into action on here as I feel "better"...and I'm SO sorry for just kind of bailing on everyone. To my new friends--I promise I'm not usually like this!! Bear with me...I'm just going through some stuff right now.

That being said, the personal issue--I caught my husband cheating on me last Thursday. As hindsight is 20/20, there were clues over the last several months...I just didn't pick up on them. I've been "hiding" over the last week while I've been trying to process this information...I am SO confused, hurt, angry, depressed...a general mess. My "normal" method of dealing with hardship in my life is to turtle up, smile EXTRA brightly, and pretend it's not happening. That has not really been effective for me AT ALL in the past...but it was still my first instinct when confronted with the proof (yes, there is actual proof) that my husband is cheating on me. It is a little out of character for me to share this information with "the world" at large, so it is REALLY uncomfortable, but I feel like confronting these feelings in a very open manner is the RIGHT thing to do right now. I've had a lot of success with myself in blogging about all of my icky feelings that got me into the unhealthy situation I was in with health and fitness, as I guess you can't really keep lying to yourself once you've put things into writing, so...I'm thinking the blog is a good next step in dealing with this other issue in my life.

For the last 4 months, things have been very "odd" between my husband and myself. He has been really, really distant, with very short spurts of extreme neediness thrown in to confuse the situation. He has been extremely distrustful of ME for no good reason...I don't work, I don't socialize in "real life" with people he doesn't know, I ALWAYS have at least one kid on my metaphorical hip, and (minus the time I spend working out) all of my time is spent taking care of him, our children, and our home. I have never strayed from our marriage, either physically or emotionally. Outside of one trainer at the Y (who is happily married, in his 60's, and "known" to my husband), I don't have any male friends. You get the point...I don't know WHAT he's suspicious about. Except...that suddent intense distrust of one's partner without provocation is a well documented symptom of "the cheater".

I've been incredibly uneasy about this for months now...but as the saying goes, denial is not just a river in Egypt. Since mid-January, things have really "stepped up" a lot on the suspicious behavior meter...not that I paid attention to them at the time, but again, hindsight is 20/20. He's been staying up later and later, running outside to talk on the phone when he gets phone calls, he changed the password on his laptop, he's been "working" a lot more, and he's been pretty unpleasant to deal with in general when he's deigned to grace us (the kids and I) with his presence. Also, probably TMI, but he's not had any interest in "relating" to me...which is VERY out of character for him. When we went to the Kings/Lightning hockey game a few weeks ago, there was a very odd situation in the car on the way home...I was on the phone with my mother, when I heard a very loud "booty" song playing...from inside of the truck. My husband visibly tensed and starting panting (?). I told my mother that I had to get off of the phone, and by the time she shut up so that I could hang up, the music had stopped...then started playing again. Much like the ring of a cell phone...but not from my phone (in my hand) or my husband's (on the dash). Then it stopped...and my husband had "deer in the headlights" look about him. I kind of laughed it off like "what was that?" and he didn't know, supposed it must be one of our 4 year old's toys in the backseat (in retrospect, like we give her toys that play booty music?), and we didn't speak of it again. I thought about it for weeks before I said anything else to him about it, because I like to be in denial, and it was just too "crazy" for me to process at the time. When I brought it up again, he laughed uneasily and said he didn't know, it must have been someone having a house party on the side of the road or something. While we were driving at 70+mph down an interstate, and it lasted for over a minute, maybe two. This is when I really became suspicious. I started paying way closer attention to his behavior at that point...and things just weren't adding up. He went from working 6-8 hours a day (he owns his own business), to working 8-10 hours a day...with no more money coming in to show for it. He talked in EXCRUCIATING detail about the "new" customers he had, all on the far north side of town, but no names for these customers, addresses, etc. Kind of like (ha) someone trying to set up a story to cover their tracks. (I should mention, I run the "office" end of his business...billing, payroll, etc. and there was nothing new coming in.) Valentine's Day came and went without ANYTHING from him...not even a "Happy Valentine's Day" or a hug...and I tried to make a reasonable deal about it with dinner, some decorations, a small gift. I got a grunt from him and a long diatribe about his tooth hurting before he sequestered himself in his office for the rest of the night. The final straw came on Wednesday of last week, when I called him while he was working to get his password for his laptop so that I could print out some coupons (for those of you that don't know, I'm a couponer and you can only print out 2 online coupons per computer, so my needing to print out coupons from his computer also is not unusual)...and he flipped out. Refused to give me the password, and actually came all the way home from working at 11am because he wanted to log on himself and make watch me download the coupons. This is the point in which I could no longer lie to myself...something was going on. So that night, I got crafty and started snooping, which is something that I am almost ashamed to admit...I am a firm believer in not "man sitting" husbands, trusting your spouse,whatever. I'm making an exception for myself in this instance because I came to the conclusion that there is a huge difference between being a crazy you-know-what and having legit suspicions. Anyway, I checked his FB discover that he had become "friends" with his ex-fiancee and his old "sex buddy" (you know what I mean). There is NO reason AT ALL to be in any kind of contact with either of these women. The ex, for starters, is a nightmare on wheels. About a year and a half into our relationship, she tried to contact him again (after many years of no communication), and I was warned by EVERY member of his family (including the crazy ones...if the crazies think someone is crazier than them, it is a giant warning sign for me), AND was warned about her my my husband (then fiancee). I had to run her off in no uncertain terms, and it got ugly. In his own words, she is a no good, cheating, lying, stealing, drama case who gets her kicks from breaking up relationships and causing trouble, and he didn't want anything to do with her at all, ever again. So him having contact with her now on FB is a HUGE HUGE HUGE inconsistancy. Again, no reason for him to speak to her at all...unless there is something going on. Back to the old sex buddy, same thing. He was "relating" to her when we met...but he told me about it the day after we met and stopped seeing her immediately because he wanted to have a "real" relationship with me. They weren't even (according to him) friends...he met her at a bar, and they would bascially hook up after the bars closed on Friday and Saturday nights, with no other contact between. So why would he need to "reconnect" with this woman? Anyhow, back to the story...I found this information and was DEVESTATED...this behavior is enough to end our marriage, right there. Emotional cheating is still cheating and even worse as far as I'm concerned than physical cheating. The complete betrayal, the disrespect, the months of lying he'd been doing...just enough. I got on the phone and started calling mom, friends, I even e-mailed Jacque because I needed people to tell me that I wasn't crazy...there was a big problem. Roughly an hour and a half later, I logged back into FB to do some more digging...and found that he'd deleted both of the women. WHY???? I ask, would you suddenly delete these women if there wasn't anything nefarious going on?? Sad attempt at track covering anyone? So I sat, and stewed, and fumed until the next morning. I woke up early to go check his truck out before he woke find the spare keys were no longer there. Warning. Snuck very quietly into his office (where he slept) to get his "actual" keys...where he was sleeping with them in his hand. I very quickly took them out of his hand, which half woke him up, and ran out to his truck to snoop as quickly as possible...where I didn't have much time to look, and didn't find the other phone or anything else incriminating. BUT...I also didn't find the usual things I could expect to find in his truck...junk, receipts, files, etc. It was clean...REALLY out of character. He is the epitome of lazy, and NEVER does any kind of cleaning or anything like it. The truck looked like it had been 'wiped'...which is (knowing him like I do) just as bad as if I'd found a phone or something. I went back into the house and waited for him to go back to work...and then I started snooping again. My first start was to try to crack the password on his laptop, which would have been pretty easy EXCEPT that he took his powercord from his laptop with him to work. (WARNING) I got into his FB account, and saw that it too had been wiped...except that he missed one message from his ex-fiancee...of them making plans to meet for lunch back in November. Again, the lunch is enough...but knowing this woman like I do, it wasn't just lunch. And he'd been lying to me since November. I got into his MySpace find that he is friends with her there too...and has been since March of 11. I got into his two known e-mail accounts...where I found that he'd deleted every e-mail since mid January. Every other email was there from mid January all the way back to 2010, and some even older...why just delete the last month and a half? This is the point at which I started packing things for myself and the kids and then stopped myself...and started packing his things. Some clothes, and his "important" stuff like his laptop and his Xbox 360...really the only two things he cares about in the house, taking presidence over everything else including myself and the children. I texted him (couldn't speak at this point) to get his stuff and he was being kicked out. No word from him all day until he came home (very late for him/his business) at 5:30. My mother had had the prescence of mind to come over and take the girls for me so that they wouldn't see the fireworks when he got home. He wouldn't leave, we argued in the front yard like a couple of hillbillies for over an hour (which I am SO SO SO embarassed about)...and he had nothing to say for himself except "I didn't do anything" and his big explanation for not letting me use his laptop was that he was downloading a movie for me as a surprise and he didn't want me to see it. When I pointed out that you CANNOT download anything on a powered off computer, he changed the story to having already downloaded it, and was afraid that it would "pop up" when I turned the computer on. I also pointed out that files do not "pop up", they have to be found and pulled up manually. (I am not a computer genious, I just know what I know and it's enough...and he is FAR FAR FAR more knowledgeable about computers, making this story a total lie). Wouldn't discuss the women, wouldn't discuss the other stuff...nothing. Lying is a trait that his family is known for and takes pride in...I call it "Howarding"...they deny, distract, tell half truths, and you have to pull every little bit of info out of them and EVEN might never get the whole story. As I know him very very well, I can tell you with 100% certainty, he was lying. He goes stone cold killer when he's lying, I've seen him do it a million times...and he was lying. He wouldn't leave because he was worried about giving up his stuff, so I had to call the police to get him to go. Once they told him that is worked out in court and leaving has nothing to do with it, he was more than happy to go. And that brings this story up to last Thursday night.

There is more of this story to tell...but I just don't have the strength to do it right now. I've been typing this off and on for 2 hours, crying, getting angry, reliving the hurt and the pain...and I'm emotionally exhausted now. I just can't write anymore right now. I will blog this story up to the present at a later date...hopefully tonight. I need to get it out, but I just can't do anymore right now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    OMG! I am so sorry. I just can't tell you how much I wish I could erase the hurt and the pain. You deserve SO much better than this. To me adultery is one of the worst crimes someone can commit. It is a terrible, (and in my eyes) unforgiveable act. I can't imagine what you are going through. All I can do is pray for you and be here in any way you need me to. Hugs!
    2588 days ago
    2595 days ago
    I am sorry for the challenges you are facing.

    2596 days ago
    My ex husband cheated on me and he did all those things. Changed passwords, got secretive about everything etc. It is amazing how much "proof" we need when we really know in our hearts for a long time that their behavior is clearly showing us what is happening. I am sorry you are going through this and if you need someone to talk to that has lived through this feel free to PM me. Hugs
    2596 days ago
    So sorry.
    Sending you emoticon and prayers. Suzanne
    2597 days ago
    I'm a renewed member on this site and read your post. You sound to be a strong woman and mother- be the best mama bear and take care of yourself and your girls. Ten or more years later, you will look at this situation and be stronger in faith and life. Whatever obstacles occur between you and the father of your kids, push your confidance far out as you can to show him and others that you're the bigger person with your decision.
    2600 days ago
    Hi, I am a new friend, too. My heart goes out to you. I will get you in my prayers. emoticon emoticon
    2601 days ago
    Bless your heart. I am so sorry you're going thru this. I admire your bravery to dig and find the truth and to congront him, and to open up about it here. I'm thankful that it sounds like you have a good support system -- including here. You and your family will be in my prayers.

    emoticon emoticon
    2602 days ago
    You are stronger than you realize. You will get through this and come out even stronger. One day he will realize what his stupidity cost him. Just keep busy and do things that will help to keep you from sitting around and brooding. Let all of the anger come and take it out on a punching bag or what ever. You will realize one day that this loser was never the right person for you. There is someone out there who is more worthy of your love, commitment, and trust. emoticon
    2602 days ago
    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. emoticon
    2602 days ago
  • JENRYAN9278
    I am a new friend. I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and hugs and prayers are coming your way. You are incredibly strong and brave for sharing your story . All your spark buddies are here to support you and totally understand your MIA status. Thinking of you and wishing you the best in the coming days and months... emoticon
    2602 days ago
    Oh my...I have tears running down my brings back so many memories of my life about 12 years ago...I can remember having so many feelings...and none of them were positive :{

    Although all situations are unique to our own marriage breakdown...I just wanted you to know that I can relate to the pain and frustration. Take care of you and your what is best for the 3 of you...those girls will keep you moving forward...pain heals with time

    My thoughts are with you :)

    2602 days ago
    Jessica, I am so sorry for what you are having to go through right now. You were very brave to share your story. It all becomes so difficult when you have children involved. I just want to go down and smack your husband for being such a complete a$$h@le!!! You are such an intelligent, beautiful, and caring woman and deserve to be treated with love and respect. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong. emoticon emoticon emoticon And...if nothing else: emoticon
    2602 days ago
    OK, call me a new friend who has been through this crap. My husband was "working" out of state and was living with another woman. For 4 years! I tried so hard to keep our family together, mostly for the kids. I finally divorced him and am so much better off. Do what you need to do for you and your kids. He can fend for himself. Take care.
    2603 days ago
    Wow-I pray that you stay strong. emoticon
    2603 days ago
  • LEEANNZ_85
    You are an incredibly strong woman and will get through this. Take all the time you need and don't ever feel sorry about it. I'm thinking about you emoticon .
    2603 days ago
    emoticon emoticon

    Sending lots of love and positive energy. I admire your courage to write and work through this. Believe me, you are not crazy. As women we know what we know. It's a gift.

    Keep your head up and remain strong! Cheaters never prosper! emoticon
    2603 days ago
  • JANDK156
    You know I've got your back. Anything you need, including flying down. emoticon emoticon I won't let you derail. The challenge is open to you anytime you're ready, just first things first. Speak later.
    2603 days ago
  • KIBA78
    emoticon Sending some hugs and love your way. You are by NO means crazy. I really admire your courage to post what you are going through. I know how you feel with the situation in terms of feeling like you are crazy. I dealt with that with my first husband. Call it intuition or something, if something inside doesn't feel right, it usually isnt. Trust your instincts, and stay strong! God bless!
    2603 days ago
    OMG! I am so incredibly sorry that you have to deal with this. It rips my heart to hear of a spouse cheating-I always ask to myeself WHY???
    Do not apologize for being away...your 'real' life is more important than here and know that all of us are here for you for prayers and virtual hugs and support.
    I just said a prayer for you-I hope it helps.
    2603 days ago
    I know this is an extremely hard time right now, but I promise everything will get better. You've just got to think of all of the good things you have in your life and remember that everything happens for a reason. Hang tough!
    2603 days ago
    Please do not ever again apologize for taking time out for yourself. If there ever were a time that justified taking a break, this is a time. Post here for support and you will get it. It sounds like you're going through hell and we do care.

    I hope the kids are OK. This is going to hit them very hard, but that can't be helped sometimes. Good for you and your mom to be doing what you can to show them this is between the two of you and not related to them.

    2603 days ago
  • ANEWME423
    2603 days ago
    Just so you know I'm here... emoticon
    2603 days ago
    You shouldn't have to apologize for taking charge of the situation and not being on the computer much. Your first priority is yourself and your kids and you are taking care of that. Hugs!
    2603 days ago
    2603 days ago
    emoticon I am so so sorry that you are having to go through with this. I pray that everything works out for you and your children. I'm sorry that I have no advice for you. Just know that we are here for you to be a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. emoticon
    2603 days ago
  • ODDIPA78
    Hope you and your kids are okay. Hang in there, and know that there are countless sparkers sending thoughts of strength and courage your way!!!!
    2603 days ago
    2603 days ago
    I have been there and done that on not one, but two occasions now(same man). Both were emotional affairs and I agree, they are worse becuase it isn't "just sex". I am here if you need to talk. Email me if you want and we can exchange phone numbers if you want. we are here for you and I am so sorry that you are having this experience.
    2603 days ago
    Dont't worry be HAPPY. My heart goes out to you. Just know you have friends here at SparkPeople - we love you and your know we got your back. Stay strong and keep focused. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2603 days ago
    Please don't be sorry, you are an amazing person. You are a strong person. look how you just stood up for yourself and your kids GOOD FOR YOU! You do NOT deserve to be treated in such a manner. I have walked that road, I do understand what it feels like to have your heart pulled out thru your stomach, and than stomped on, but you hang in there we are here to listen and cry with you. Remember just how wonderful you are, and how crazy he is for not seeing what he is losing!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2603 days ago
    Shame and him and good for you! It is such an emotionally devastating thing to go through and it can make you feel like you're going crazy. You've done the right things and it great that your mom is there to help you and the kids. It's always amazing that a cheater can still lie right to someone's face, saying they are not cheating, when there is proof. You're a strong person and beautiful!


    2603 days ago
    emoticon emoticon

    Sending lots of hugs your way!
    2603 days ago
    I'm so sorry that you, and your girls, are going through this. My ex husband cheated on me as well. I found a letter from his girlfriend talking about how she felt bad that he had never loved me and had never wanted our daughter. I was so young, 23, and didn't know what to do. I stuck in there for another 3 years. It was a mistake and I should have ended it right then but I was afraid.

    I don't say that to infer that you should or should not end your marriage, just what I know in hindsight would have been better for both me and my daughter. As awful as the feeling of being betrayed by the one person who was supposed to love me no matter what as he had vowed, was the feeling that I was dumb. How could I not know, how could this have happened, what could I have done differently? I now, many years later, know that was unhealthy and that I couldn't have done anything and I wasn't dumb, just trusting.

    Take good care of and be gentle with yourself. We are all here if you need a private shoulder. emoticon
    2603 days ago
    emoticon I'm so so sorry that you're having to go through this.
    2603 days ago
    That is terrible - sending you emoticon
    2603 days ago
    We are all here for you!! Im sorry this is happening to you , you are a good and beautiful person take care of yourself and your children that is the important thing
    2603 days ago
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    2603 days ago
    emoticon emoticon

    I am SO sorry - but you do have to protect yourself and your girls. It seems that you all deserve someone who is present.

    Please do something just for yourself this weekend. Spend some time with a trusted friend or family member. You are not alone in this!
    2603 days ago
    I am so sorry. You posted things months ago about this... and it all fits. It took a lot of courage to post this. Don't feel bad about anything you did here. You are hurt and this is all because of the choices he has made. You are a strong, capable and smart woman and I know you will come out of this even more so. Take care of yourself.

    2603 days ago
    Please don't apologize for being MIA. We know you needed a break.

    I wish I could give you some advice or some great support. You are NOT CRAZY! I think sometimes people cheating really get defensive and project it on the other person.

    You are an amazing woman and you deserve much better. I see how much you do for your family and how much you love your kids.

    Blogging helps me a lot also. I understand how hard this must be!

    I wish you all the luck! I am so sorry this has happened to you.

    2603 days ago
    I am so sorry he's done this to you. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. Hang I'm there.
    2603 days ago
  • SHELLYK972
    I am so sorry that this has happened to you! Good for you for snooping! Love is blind, but once you hit that tipping point, you need to do what you have to do to find out the truth!!! My boyfriend of 9 years cheated on me.. I sensed it and then eventually found the proof on his email account.

    I'm sending you happy thoughts!!
    2603 days ago
    I am so sorry that that happened to you. As I look over your profile, I can see you are a very good person. He has made a huge loss. Just stay strong and keep your head up high. I have been in a similar sitaution as you. What I learned is not to let the man feel like he has gotten away with it. Stay strong for your kiddos. You are not alone. You have your friends and family to help you up. I learned the hard way on to keep myself up. It is probably another reason why I gained so much weight. I am not going to lie, but the pain will not go away over night, but it will start to ease.

    If you ever need someone to talk to. I am always open.
    Please stay strong and keep your head up high.

    2603 days ago
    P.S. You're not crazy!
    2603 days ago
    I'm sending lots of hugs your way. It's never easy finding out or worse, knowing and having them deny it and making you seem like the crazy one.

    Self care... you need to find the time to do self care because you and your kids are the most important people right now.

    Lots of hugs!!!
    2603 days ago
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