Got The Message - Loud & Clear
Friday, March 02, 2012
“We can’t be authentic if we are only willing to express and have contact with the parts of ourselves that we think other people want to see. We have to be willing to feel frustration as much as we feel fantastic.”―Ingrid Mathieu
Up and down, toying with the same 3 pounds for weeks. 300+ fitness minutes for weeks with little results. It's hard to not feel frustrated. That's a true emotion, I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't exist... it's real. It's just as important to acknowledge those feelings, as it is to celebrate the small things. I have to work through these emotions, and process them. Ignoring them does not resolve anything; I've learned this. With my frustration though has also come an array of other emotions and behaviours. This past week I've experienced sadness, disappointment, self-sabotage, struggled with self control again, feeling distant and generally just felt more like my 'old' self than who I have become and am becoming. Granted, I was also up against my TOM - perhaps a little too much information but so be it. I had cravings; not all of which I was able to just wish away with willpower. I did cave - I had a chocolate bar (or two) and cheesey breadsticks. I do a fairly good job though of not keeping junk in my house though so that was somewhat of a saving grace for me. On Sunday, I 'wanted' something bad soooo bad - my mind wandered from chips, to pop, to ice cream. But I would have had to go out for it, so I just sat like a stubborn child refusing to leave. It was ridiculous. I felt like I was standing at the edge of that slippery slope again, an all too familiar. But this is not the point of no return anymore, I do not have it in me to "give up". I expect more of myself now. And beyond my pool of emotions, I know that patience and persistence will see me through this. As well as the support of my family and friends (those on Spark included). Tuesday was my LCW for the BLC18 Challenge, so I put my big girl panties on and pulled up my socks and hit the gym with Cassie. While we were there, Cassie was telling me about HIIT - High Intensity Interval Training - this is new to me! Sounds great though. We did an hour - 30mins treadmill/30mins arc trainer. We have agreed that strength training needs to be worked into our routines though - scheduled to start this weekend! And we're going to take a look at this HIIT. So after the gym I get home, and Biggest Loser is on - the contestants went home and spent 18 days with family while still having to lose 5% of their body weight. They got back to the ranch in time for a LCW with their trainers. And I noticed here too, that there seemed to be a theme - at home the intensity of the workout was perhaps lackluster in comparison to having Bob or Dolvett at your side shouting and pushing you. Granted, most of us don't have a trainer with us though to push us beyond our comfort zones. Then I got thinking about my lack of progress lately, and started to really pick it apart - being honest with myself and recognizing the theme of the evening and I guess what I came up with was that I've built up some endurance and although I've been putting in the minutes at the gym - I really haven't been pushing myself in the same way. My routine has become do-able, not a challenge... The intensity isn't there anymore. I don't leave the gym with my legs aching, or arms burning, or breathing heavy. I've been putting in time doing cardio and have been hit and miss with the S/T. I wish that the moments when you feel unstoppable and completely motivated could last always. Instead we are faced with making the decision to be consistent and persistent - which eventually will bring back around the better days again. And the payoff in the end makes it completely worth it - and every single one of these struggles that we conquer is another “WIN” for us. Ultimately makes us stronger. But I feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts. My psyche recognizing that the effort exerted has dwindled, and perhaps a little boredom has started to creep in. And so the fat, lazy part of me that is being replaced ever so surely grasps at that as weakness, a crack in my determination... “Do you REALLY want this?”... like a calling back to the dark side. A test of steadfastness... A dare of sorts... Asking me to prove it! How much do you want this? How much are you willing to change? Are you really going to move beyond this? I've developed a new comfort zone, and a new comfort weight... I think that part of it is that in redefining myself, I don't really know my limits anymore and not sure where to take it from here. Perhaps that's just it, maybe there should be no real limits. I need to believe that I can accomplish anything. But to accomplish it I need to keep fighting. I can't just keep doing the same old thing, as this will inevitably lead to floundering. I am still really self conscious – some days more than others... which I guess is the real challenge. So I got the message loud and clear: from here, I have to shake things up. I need to make S/T a regular and consistent part of my workout. I need to turn up the intensity. I need to break out of this funk. It's going to take more than this bump in the road to break me, that's for certain! I need some more time to reflect but my next blog will be my plan... actions I will be taking to change this, new goals. My re-commitment to me!