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The chocolate heart that moved me.... and other stuff

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I've known basically forever that I'm an emotional and compulsive eater. It's a sickness, really it is. The house is all quiet, kids are in bed, husband's either in bed or at work, and the kitchen is all mine. I can remember being so hungermotional that I would just grab whatever and stuff it in my face. One time I ate 6 slices of white bread. Yeah. It was that bad.
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Lately, I have been managing a lot better. When I say lately, I mean the last 2 weeks that I have been on Phentermine. It has definitely made me a lot more conscious of what is going in my mouth. The thing that I don't like about the medication is that I'm really way under calories but I can't stomach eating more, so aren't I basically starving myself? Believe me, I have/never will want to starve myself. It's all stuff that I plan on talking to my doctor about at my follow up in 2 weeks. Meanwhile, I feel awesome, I've gone down a pants size, and I'm accepting things about my relationship with food that I haven't done in a long time, possibly ever.
emoticon (Sorry food, it's not you, it's me. Well, part of it is you, but really now...)

For example... I wasn't really feeling like a meal this evening. I cooked for my husband and kids some pasta and sauce, and relaxed on the couch while they ate. After I got my son to bed, I had a small snack of cheese and crackers. My 5 year old daughter, as usual, decided to give me a really hard time about going to bed... whining, stomping, general unhappy kid stuff. I finally got her to bed and went straight for the kitchen. I had a chocolate heart from Valentine's Day left in my fruit basket (who the heck had the idea to put it in there?!). I felt like it was glaring at me, taunting me, begging me to eat it. Hmmm... well, I didn't have dinner. I glanced at the nutritional info on the box, the dang thing was 290 calories and 17g of fat. Ughhhh. But my emotions got the best of me. I didn't even bother taking it to the couch, I simply stood at the counter, munching away on this delicious chocolate heart. That's when it really hit me.


Why in the world am I standing here eating this?! I don't even want it! This is INSANE. So I have committed myself to finding something else, something that does NOT involve food, to occupy me after the kids go to bed. I'm going to make a conscious effort to see what triggers these crazy moments of food bedlam. What makes me so dang hungermotional?

emoticon emoticonHello!!!!! emoticon emoticon

As of right now, the only thing I have realized is that, for some reason, food = comfort to me, and I turn to it when I am ready to relax and have quiet time. This is a start, but a very small piece of the bigger picture. You'll be hearing more of this, for sure. Until next time.....
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