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Thursday, February 16, 2012

I haven’t felt as low as I’ve been feeling lately in a very long time. I’m going through a part of my life when you feel like everything is crumbling around. Or you’re standing at the preverbal fork in the road, only instead of two paths, there’s a dozen (which all look like the wrong path the dad took in Beauty and the Beast, but I have yet to find a castle). It’s not that what’s going on is so horrible, because it’s not, it’s scary because it’s all at once and I’m so confused as to what to I should do. I hate feeling this lost.

I work for a small chain of stores, and our main store is closing. We found out at the beginning of the month. I still have my job, but I had to be transferred to another store. All the girls I worked with, some for over 6 years, are losing their jobs. I feel like I’m losing a second family. Friday was my last day with them and I left with a tear stained face. I also found out that I’m basically on a sinking ship and I need to get out before I go down with it. This is honestly the hardest part of my stress. I’m also trying to save money to be in 2 weddings, the closest being in Oct, and for a new place to live because my roommate is moving in w/ her fiancé in August. There’s a bunch of other crap but I won’t go into it all.

I have a constant running list in my head of everything I need to do, everything I should be doing, and the stress is completely exhausting. It’s completely taken away my motivation to get back in health gear. Last week was the lowest point, I basically got home and went to bed right way. But first I’d have a “snack”. I ate out almost every meal because I didn’t want to cook. Last weekend I had both Sat and Sun off for once, and my roommate was away. I stayed in the house and completely avoided my friends. Then I weighed myself on Sunday. I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was, I gained 2 pounds in a week. I’m a mere 8 pounds from where I started this journey. That’s just sickening to me. I wish I could say it got me motivated to do something about, but at that moment it honestly hadn’t.

I feel like I’m slowly improving though. I don’t feel like what I’m going through is anything worth brushing off, it’s a deep dark funk and I’m dealing with it the best I can. Last night I went out with a friend to run some errands, and that helped a lot. It at least took my mind off of everything and got to vent about it. While we were out, on a whim I decided I wanted to go to LA Fitness just to see how much it cost and ask some questions…and ended up joining. It’s not cheap, and I’m still having anxiety about the costs. My friend kept reminding me it was for my health, it was something I need to do for me. I know she’s right, that it’s in an investment in me. I’m trying to look at the bright side of it to feel good about it, I now have pool access, I can go to any other club I want, and there’s free fitness classes. I can’t say it’s not my money’s worth but still, there’s a nag on my shoulder saying “Did you really need to spend that much?!” (I call her Suze…yes, as in Suze Orman).

I have a free consultation at the gym on Monday. I have no idea what they’ll tell me or what we’ll do, but hopefully I’ll get some much needed pointers. Hopefully, it’ll also get the fire lit under me. I’m also going to start over with my baby steps I mentioned in my last blog, because I didn’t get far with those. I really thought last time I was ready for the changes I needed to make, and I lost over 25lbs, now that I’m almost back at the beginning and I’m wondering if I’ll make it this time?
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