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I've Stopped Caring

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Losing weight and getting healthy and fit has made me care more about a lot of things - myself, other people, my job, etc. My heart is so full now that some days I feel like it might just burst. I try to focus on these things daily because it makes me appreciate my life and realize how lucky I am.

Yesterday, I realized I had stopped caring about a couple things. Really stopped caring. Not the "I don't care..." when in the back of my mind I really still do.

I don't care about the number on the scale. emoticon

I've said this before, but I always used to have this nagging need to know how much I weighed. Not anymore. Lately, I have been so busy that I forget to weigh myself. After a week of forgetting I weighed myself and found that I am back down to where I've been for a year. Not my ideal weight, but the holidays are officially gone. I realized that I just don't care. Sure, I have a goal weight, and I will probably weigh myself again at some point. My journey is not over (but honestly it never will be). I am comfortable where I am right now, and I have more important things to worry about.

Like my first marathon and getting certified as a trainer.

So, until I am done with those goals I'm not thinking about anything else. I'm not "falling off the wagon". The only time I've been on a wagon is at the hay rides at a local fair. I'm still eating clean and exercising. I'm doing what makes my body feel strong and healthy. I am fueling my workouts and training. I don't need a number to tell me that I am doing well. My body will do that for me.

I've also stopped caring about what others think of me. Really, actually stopped. When I was heavy I said I didn't care but obsessed about it constantly and probably made up things far worse than what anyone else was thinking. As I shed the weight, it was still hard to ignore the voice in my head saying that I was being judged, what will they think, you don't look like her, etc.

Everyone has struggles. Everyone. We're all so wrapped up in ourselves that we don't have time to pass judgement. If someone does, they're probably insecure and scared, and they should be pitied.

When you love yourself it doesn't matter what others think. When you are challenged and working hard to achieve a goal, it doesn't matter if someone thinks your goal is stupid. Two things recently helped push me to this point of not caring. They seem really small and insignificant, but when I internalized them I was freed from being judged because now I won't let anyone judge me.

The first was a line in a book about smart marathon training. The author was talking about people who run marathons and how they seem to take pride in being the weird outsider - because honestly everyone else thinks we're crazy. I know I've been called crazy a lot since committing to this, and I take it as a compliment. It made me feel good to read this. Like I had finally found something that fit me. I've always been a little different from everyone and often felt like an outsider, but it was never a good thing. Now it is. I'm doing something that a lot of people would never, ever consider doing. And, I like being different.

The second thing that really helped me is the quote "If you still look pretty when you're done, you're doing it wrong" - usually accompanied by a picture of a woman drenched in sweat and absolutely spent from a grueling workout. I love it. I do a lot of my workouts at the local high school and one thing I used to struggle with was staring teenagers. They can be incredibly rude, and it would immediately send me back to my high school days - which were not fun at all.

Lately, though, I just don't care. Fine. Stare if you want. Think what you want. I just destroyed my lifting session with some weights that I couldn't lift a month ago. I just ran some crazy hills on a 7 mile run, and that was my short run.

I just love who I am now. I love my body and its strength. I don't care that I have 20+ pounds left to lose. I don't care how I look when I'm walking around town soaked in sweat. I feel amazing. I am amazing.

I wish I could just give this feeling to everyone. It is so freeing. I know how hard it is to not love yourself and feel like the world is judging you. I wish self-acceptance was easy. All I can say is that you don't have to care about certain things. People only have the power to judge you if you let them. The scale can only ruin your day if you let it. You are so much more and worth every bit of love you give yourself. And the more love you have for yourself, the more others will love you.

I think you're awesome.
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