Valentine's Day Eve
Monday, February 13, 2012
Well, I've been thinking and have decided to bring some secret ideas to life verbally. There are some ideas and goals that I've thought about but have never had the guts to really share. I believe that this is partly because as a fat person, you cannot open admit certain things.
The first one is that I've always wanted to be a runner. I even tried to run a mile a few years ago and only succeeded once. Now that I am 80 pounds heavier than I was then, how can I even think of wanting to run?? Well, I've been reading other Sparkpages and I've been encourage. Will I be able to run today? No. But is it possible? Absolutely. I look forward to the day that I can say I am a runner.
The other major thing that I not only do not share, but almost daily I reject the idea that I want to be in a relationship. I have many reasons to NOT want to be in a relationship, but honestly, I would love to share my life and love with someone. I have much unneccesary drama with my ex (my girls' dad) and I also had a horrible step father. Both of those men have caused me to pretty much give up all hopes that someone may ever love me and be a good example to my children. I also know my thoughts as my mother was involved with a crazy alcoholic and I thought she was so selfish for choosing such a loser to come inot our family. I vowed never to do that to my children, I would never let them feel as if I chose a man over their happiness. I still vow to do that and I am no where near a relationship today. However, as I am searching my emotions recently, I realize that my past has caused me to fear my future. I am learning to love myself (as corny as that sounds) and eventually would like to share my life with someone. If I cannot love myself how in the world would I ever be able to let someone else love me? I have to learn to trust myself and know that as a smart and independent woman, I would never allow someone like my ex or step dad to enter into my life longterm. I must trust that I will always protect my girls and not be blind or selfish.
I am very far off from becoming a runner and being in a relationship, but these are two areas that I have been thinking about a lot lately and wanted to verbalize them. They are not exactly earthshattering but sometimes you just need to get it out there.
On a side note, I am making progress both with my weight and my financial goals. I've had a plan for the credit cards and by the end of the month, I believe that 3 of my 4 credit cards will paid off for good. The 4th will take awhile, but I have a plan for that one too! :) Who knew you could get so excited about paying off some debt!! Now if I could just get the scale to starting moving down again.. I feel like I've been stuck hovering 250 for weeks now! :( But on the upside, I've been pretty consistent and have stuck to my goals for exercising, so I'm sticking with it and waiting for the results to show on the scale!!