30,000-39,999 SparkPoints 31,600

I don't know if I am back.

Monday, February 13, 2012

It has been close to 3 months since I have sparked. I have gained 20 pounds in that 3 months,. Not good. I am feeling a little low. No I am feeling Real low.

I still have a wonderful life. Family, friends and a job. What is missing? I keep asking myself that. I think I have found it. I have not self worth. Sure I talk the talk, but can't find the strength to walk the walk.

I had my knee surgery in December just before Christmas. I am doing much better but not as good as I would like. I did not work for almost 6 weeks. That means no pay for 6 weeks. That is what I get for being self employed. I guess there is some benefits working for "the man".

I just got back to work and mom asks me to go to the doctors with her. She fells fine but the diagnose is Pancreas Cancer. 6 months to maybe a year. Tough pill to swallow. I am sure she has made piece with it, Me I know what to expect, I understand that I am in for a whole new journey in my life. Not an exciting journey but one that will have to be taken.

many, many people go through times just like this and worse. They make it through a little scared, stronger and wiser. Me I am not a smart women, nor am I strong. Actually I have been compared to a wet noodle more then once.

One of my big fears is that I am going to eat my way through the next year. I have already gained 20lbs back. When I eat I still do my self awareness questions. I always ask 1. am I hungry? 2. Is this the best choose I can make. 3. do I really ned it? And I will answer no to all 3 questions and eat it anyway. Two hard years it took me to be self aware of what I was putting in my body and in a matter of weeks all is lost.

I know that I have to look after me to help my mom. I know that I must be in strong physical as well as mental health to get through the next few months. It is hard for me to put my needs first. It took me more then 50 years to learn that I was important. One of my best findings on Sparkpeople.

I hope to find the inner strength everyday to log onto sparkpeople and to find the time for me but I have been saying that for a month now. I am here today. Since I have been writhing this blog I have had to change 2 diapers, potty 2. Talk to a parent of one of my charges who came today who is not on the schedule talk to the car mechanic, locate my receipt book and start lunch for 6 kids,.

I guess I better end this blog the lunch timer is about to go off. I just wanted to let you know what was happening and why I have not answered my spark mails.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    One day at a time, dear SparkFriend. Your blog truly touched me.

    Remember you have lots of love and support here. You did the right thing checking in.
    2308 days ago
    I am sorry about your mom, Jo.

    I hope you stay here. I know I do much better when I Spark. And you have lots of people here who care about you.
    2310 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear about your Mom, Jo. And your knee surgery....I'm sorry I didn't know about that either. I've been focusing on me and mine too much lately. I'm praying for you and your mom. Stay positive and focused, my dear friend. emoticon
    2315 days ago
    Oh, Jo, what a difficult time for you! Remember what is important, who is important, and when is important. I'll keep you and your mom in my thoughts!
    2316 days ago
    I'm so sorry about your mother. We lost my dad 18 years ago. It was lung cancer. It doesn't seem like it's been that long already. I'm glad you're back to sparking again. You'll need to take care of yourself now more than ever so you don't eat your way through this and gain more. That's how I tend to deal with stress too, but the comfort is only temporary, and then I feel miserable. Reach out for other ways to deal with the stress, blog, talk to someone, learn a new craft, anything except eating. You'll find the strength to make it somehow. Enjoy the time you have and make the most of it. I had some good heart to heart conversations with my dad during that time and learned a lot of things I didn't know about him. I saw him not just as my dad, but in a different light. I will always treasure that. God bless you, and I'll keep you in my prayers.

    2316 days ago
    JoJo, you can get back on board. I know that you can. Being pulled in so many directions is way to hard on us emotional eaters. In times like yours, I just think to myself- she would want me to be healthy: I need to be healthy to attend to her needs and mine; I need to be here for good times as well as bad ones; I need to keep moving forward. What was it that Superman used to say, UP UP AND Away. Please read my blog. It is what it is my friend. I know where you are but you are strong and can change the direction.
    2316 days ago
    I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. Will you be able to get help and support from Hospice? I understand how hard it is not to turn to food in stressful times. I've gained back everything I lost when I first joined SP. But the good news is that we're here, and so are you. There's lots of love and support for you here. I wish I had a magic wand but all I can do is send positive thoughts and tons of {{{hugs}}}.
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    2316 days ago
    Oh, Jo. *hugs* I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Cherish every moment. That's all we can do. I hope your knee is healing well. I have missed you. I've been away for a bit, too, and have also gained back weight that was very hard to get off in the first place. It will be no easier getting it off the second time, I know. We will, however, make it. I pray for God's help in this new season of life. Where you are weak, He is strong within you. I'm a phone call away, sweet one. I love you.

    2316 days ago
    I'm sorry to hear that . but try to find another self defense mechanism . think you will ruin your surgery if you gain it back.I know what you are talking about , my father died of lung cancer when I was 16 . the heaviest burden wasn't on me but it was still a hard thing to deal will pass, all will pass . do you really have to hurt yourself now when you need all your strength? wouldn't it be better to love yourself and make good choices for your body and your heart?
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    2316 days ago
    All I can do is keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Remember, Lady--you do have friends here.



    2316 days ago
    I've been in your shoes. I had lost over 100 pounds when my mother in law became ill and we took her into our home. I loved her very much and it was a very stressful time. After she passed away my husband went into a severe depression and I was busy eating my way through the stress and gaining all of the weight back.

    Find someone you can talk too about your situation, look for ways to deal with your stress, i.e. exercise, new hobbies, or counseling. Maybe talk to your pastor. This will be a very challenging time for you, and you need to take care of your self. Sounds like you may be dealing with some depression too.

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    2316 days ago
    Oh geez... I think anyone would turn to food in a situation like yours. I can't even imagine. I have nothing profound or inspiring... just a hug. Hang in there.
    2316 days ago
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