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Three Years, Fifty Pounds

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I wish this was one of those great posts, you know the kind where one can share their accomplishments about how far they have come, how proud they are of themselves. Well this isn't one of them. It's actually pretty pathetic. I know the comments people will write will be stuff like "you can do it" and "I'm here for you" etc. but I just don't feel positive right now. I joined SP in 2006 (age 18 310 lbs) excited to finally be able lose the huge amount of weight I carried around most of my life. At this time I was hoping to lose it for a trip I was going on. I started taking diet pills, worked out at Curves but still ate horribly and binged often. I only was on SP for one month... February 2008 I was at my highest weight of 340 lbs. Again I was full of enthusiasm. I found huge support from my Sparkfriends both with weight loss and with personal struggles. By July of 2009 I was down to my lowest weight of 277. I was on the moon! I got compliments all the time, I felt full of energy. I love getting dressed and my clothes being too big. Coming back to Canada (I lived in Korea for a year) I loved shopping and fitting in smaller sizes. I felt like anything was possible.Almost three year later I would like to say that I am down an additional 50 pounds, that I weigh 227 now. Instead my weight is back up 50 lbs to 327. When I came back from Korea I took a year off. I worked out everyday, some days for 2 hours. Instead of my weight going down it crept up to 290. Then this fall (2011) My plateau broke, instead of being stalled at 290 I ballooned to 300, then 310, then 320, 330, at one time my scale read 335. I just want to cry. How could I go from such a happy place to such a miserable one. I keep writing posts saying that I'm going to change, I have all these huge plans to do great things. And I believe it too. I joined Overeaters Anonymous in November after suddenly realizing I am a food addict and a binge eater. I thought this was the answer. I bought books to help me deal with my addiction. Yet here I am, struggling to grasp a little control. I am an obsessive planner. I am always in control. I always do and get what I want. If I dream of something I will achieve it. I'm always reach my goals. Over-performer is what my last evaluation at work said. Yet I sit here a failure. The one thing I can't conquer is still impacting my life. I am still out of control when it comes to eating. I just don't know what to do.... I start a new challenge with my mom tomorrow, if I lose 10 lbs by April 1st she will give me $50. I know I will get the money, 10 lbs will come off easily once I start drinking more and working out more. But what about when the challenge ends, I'm scared that the weight will come back, and I'll gain even more. I'm afraid that I will always be fat, that every day I will say "I'll start this new plan, I'll do better tomorrow". I'm afraid that the day will never come when I'm happy with how I look, that I won't be ashamed of my body. That I won't have to worry about breaking chairs or not fitting in something. What if nothing every changes and three years from now I'm still 327 lbs, or higher. What if I get diabetes or have a heart attack. What if my addiction controls my life forever. I just feel so hopeless and lost right now....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just found this blog.. and although my journey has been different.. I can SO relate. I have lost 50-70 pounds a couple times now.. and I am halfway to regaining again. NO. We deserve better than this! Binge eating. Eating junk. Negative talk. All of this is self-abuse!

    I am working on changing the foods I eat... because I know for ME that I need to eat whole healthy foods to feel nourished and energetic. My body is more satisfied when I eat enough protein and don't go too low fat. My body is more satisfied if I do not totally deny it anything BUT seriously limit sugar. My body does better if I avoid diet soda. Studies are starting to show that it leads to weight gain and sugar cravings. As you make healthy choices and listen to your body you will learn to eat healthfully.

    You already do more than enough exercise.... so clearly you need to figure out your eating... and you WILL do it.

    And YAY about joining BLC. If you do well with challenges.. lets hope this helps you.

    How are you doing so far??? Let me know if I can help you in any way.
    2731 days ago
    I can sooooo relate.

    Sounds like you have "crash and burn syndrome", a diagnosis I learned to recognize in myself from FlyLady. All or nothing, black or white, overacheiver or failure, perfection or nothing at all.

    If you have crash & burn syndrome, focus on DAILY BABY STEPS you can do EVERY DAY that are NOT special diets, and are NOT special exercise regimens.

    Your assignment is all-in committment to, and extremely intense focus on, those daily baby steps. Committment level as if your life depended on it.

    This is what works for me:
    No S Diet for food, you can do it every day for the rest of your life. Stops the insanity of dieting, and diet mentality. For me I received the unexpected gift of freedom from food obsession.

    The Step Diet for exercise - no way will I EVER workout 2 hrs a day, etc. Again, this is something I can do every day for the rest of my life, takes the insanity out of exercise. Brenda Willis lost, AND KEPT OFF FOR 7+ YEARS, 140lbs on The Step Diet.
    2799 days ago
    After three years on SP I am only a few pounds less than when I started. I have gone over my beginning weight as well but here is the difference: We are different and better today than we would have been without being here. I am amazed at the people who lose 100lbs in a year but that will never be me.

    I have so been there with you with the new hope that comes with a new book or program or goal. Those things are okay and useful for sure but the most profound thing I have found is daily, effing-frustrating consistency. Since you are a results girl, maybe the journey gets to feeling too long?

    I try to remind myself that the fitness minutes and healthier meals have to have a positive effect on my heart and liver if nothing else even if it doesn't mean a loss on the scale.

    This frustration and despair are part of the process. I keep reading it in other's blogs and it gives me hope that there are some really dark days for the super successful too. Do you happen to be SP Friends with MichelleSmiles? She is wonderful and so real and still struggles too.

    There is always hope and always a new moment to just plug forward. I know for me sometimes that means re-starting 15 times in one day. That initial high that comes with being motivated never stays for long. This journey is about conquering negative thinking and adopting positive change one itty bitty moment at a time and all those added up will translate to results.

    Hang in there and I'm sorry you're feeling discouraged right now.
    2808 days ago
    Thank you for your honest post. I am over 20 years older than you, but I can still hear echoes of my younger self in your words and your situation. Since I was 18, my weight has varied over a 110 pound range. I'm currently near the lower end, but still not quite where I'd like to be.

    I have learned a few things along they way: I need to eat a little protein with most meals, eating a lot of sugar leads to eating more sugar, exercise matters (I need to sweat!), taking care of myself emotionally is important, etc.... But the MOST important thing for me is NOT to beat myself up. THE WORST thing I can do to myself is to start calling myself, stupid, or ugly, or fat. Those thoughts lead to binge disaster!! It sounds like you are a perfectionist like me! When you're comparing yourself to some perfect ideal, you will always come up short - no matter how wonderful you are!!

    Everyone has their own journey. I have no doubt you will find your way. You adventured your way to Korea and back, didn't you?? My advice is to be kind and encouraging to yourself. Focus on developing healthy habits. Learn when you need the carrot (rewards) and when you need the stick (punishments). To be honest, the process won't be easy or quick, but it will be worth it. Good luck!!
    2809 days ago
    2809 days ago
    It sounds like challenges are motivating for you. Have you considered training to walk/run a race? It would engage your ability to plan and reach goals as well as give you something to work for beyond simply weight loss. Not to mention the momentum that success in that context could give you.

    Being healthy and happy is hard. Amazingly hard. But nothing worth having is ever easy.

    2809 days ago
    emoticon On your great achievement! Realizing that you need to do something other than what you've been doing is the first step towards success. Sounds like you're ready to go beyond that step! I feel your anxiety; however, although fear is a great motivator for some; keep in mind that as you progress - your quality of life will benefit as well. You know what to do; you've been there before and I believe that you will succeed again. Have a good day! emoticon
    2809 days ago
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