I noticed a pattern...
Thursday, February 09, 2012
...or a cycle, if you will.
Why: well, here it gets far more detailed than a one-word explanation. Basically, "I don't know" crops up a lot. So as I search for my own answers (and so far they are myriad and not a 100% solution by themselves), I discovered a cycle last night that's been there for a long time and I never named it. So I'm naming it here to try and formulate a plan around it.
When I don't binge at night, I don't have that full stomach feeling at bedtime and have trouble falling asleep. So, while I feel all positive in the morning at having wrestled the binge beast to the ground the night before, I'm tired. I'm really tired, sleepy, and weak-feeling. But I get through the day as best I can. I might blow off a workout because on 5 or 6 hours sleep, I'm not really up for blowing all my energy in one gym-style hour because then I don't have the energy left to do what needs to be done for my child who is Autistic and home-schooled (yes, by me). So I "get through" the day, and then night comes. I'm spent. I want comfort. I want to go to sleep, but my child, who wasn't up until 2am battling the binge monster, isn't ready for bed. He has his own sleep issues, and only sleeps about 8 hours a night. So...I begin to wistfully pine for sleep time. Wistful = feeling powerless = frustrated = binge ready.
What kind of logic, what kind of plan will work against all these feelings? That's the next part of my journey, figuring that out. I think tonight I'm going to put on some pants that are too small, that I can't zip. I'll wear a long shirt so my husband isn't like, "yeah, baby, you're looking quite hot with your flab poking out all over those too-small pants," not that he would ever say anything, but it's me thinking it that makes me think how could he help but think it, and then the "oh what does it matter" thoughts creep in. So, loose long shirt over the pants that don't fit. That's my reminder. Gentle reminder, no words that are mean or hurtful. No telling myself I'm not strong enough, not capable, not fit, not whatever. No feeling like I have to gird up for a binge monster fight I'm too tired to have. Just a pair of pants that are not exactly comfortable to remind me that I'd rather they get comfortable than have an extra helping of TJ Pita Chips, or Bliss chocolate, or whatever the binge monster keeps putting in my head.
It's what I'm going to try.