one step forward, 12 steps back
Monday, February 06, 2012
Well, I can't say where I'm at with my weight because I don't have the nerve to step on the scale. I have been dealing with depression brought on by a difficult relationship with "toxic parents". It's amazing how a parent can reduce a 45 year old to feeling like an 8 year old in the blink of an eye.
Of course when the stress comes on so do the pounds. The crying starts when I least expect it and can't seem to stop it. I've been reading my bible, praying, surrounding myself with loving family and friends, but still feel like a child abandoned by her parents. Again.
I've been to this place so many times before. I let them back in, thinking it will be different this time, but I wind up in the same place every time. The last "good" day I had with my mom I was talking about trying to lose weight. She said how glad she was because she couldn't stand my double chin. First of all, it's not that bad and second...now when I look in the mirror, that is all I can see. The ironic part is that she weighs at least 50 lbs more than I do.
I'm so tired of being emotionally blackmailed, put down, having my feelings invalidated. I want to move on. Right now all I feel like doing is curling up in a fetal position and crying or sleeping or eating. How is it that the people that are supposed to love you most in the world can be so hurtful and hateful. They think because they are old that they can say whatever they want, unfiltered, and if I am hurt by their words I'm told I'm being too sensitive or I'm asked "did I hurt your stupid feelings"?
I'm sure that I'm not only back where I started but I've gained even more weight. UGH!
I want to get off of the emotional roller coaster and get on with my life. I've been through this grieving process over and over and over and it never changes. I'm tired of the guilt, the pain, the sadness. I have such an amazing husband and children that I love dearly. I want to enjoy them, without fighting this sadness and depression. I want to be the parent that I wish mine could be.