one step forward, 12 steps back

Monday, February 06, 2012

Well, I can't say where I'm at with my weight because I don't have the nerve to step on the scale. I have been dealing with depression brought on by a difficult relationship with "toxic parents". It's amazing how a parent can reduce a 45 year old to feeling like an 8 year old in the blink of an eye.

Of course when the stress comes on so do the pounds. The crying starts when I least expect it and can't seem to stop it. I've been reading my bible, praying, surrounding myself with loving family and friends, but still feel like a child abandoned by her parents. Again.

I've been to this place so many times before. I let them back in, thinking it will be different this time, but I wind up in the same place every time. The last "good" day I had with my mom I was talking about trying to lose weight. She said how glad she was because she couldn't stand my double chin. First of all, it's not that bad and when I look in the mirror, that is all I can see. The ironic part is that she weighs at least 50 lbs more than I do.

I'm so tired of being emotionally blackmailed, put down, having my feelings invalidated. I want to move on. Right now all I feel like doing is curling up in a fetal position and crying or sleeping or eating. How is it that the people that are supposed to love you most in the world can be so hurtful and hateful. They think because they are old that they can say whatever they want, unfiltered, and if I am hurt by their words I'm told I'm being too sensitive or I'm asked "did I hurt your stupid feelings"?

I'm sure that I'm not only back where I started but I've gained even more weight. UGH!
I want to get off of the emotional roller coaster and get on with my life. I've been through this grieving process over and over and over and it never changes. I'm tired of the guilt, the pain, the sadness. I have such an amazing husband and children that I love dearly. I want to enjoy them, without fighting this sadness and depression. I want to be the parent that I wish mine could be.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Kitty, Continue to love your parents but love yourself more; not to be selfish but you deserve to be happy and you yourself is a parent; you mentioned amazing husband and children. Focus on them when those blues about your parents come crawling. As we become parent ourselves we have to move on and become a parent that we want to be. I am sure you are wonderful to your children and focus on them. Remember, our mom always our critics whether the critics are good or bad. So hoping that you can get back on your journey focusing on better and heathier you emoticon emoticon
    3365 days ago
    Oh, Kitty, I've been pondering your post. In my own life, I've come to realize that some people just weren't meant to be parents. Some of us didn't have very good parents, and, unfortunately, that will never change. I can’t go back and have a mother that gives hugs when I am crying or a father that actually talks to me.That inner child of mine will not get what it needs from them…but it is learning to get what it needs from others. So these are some things to consider, if you haven’t already. How about at 12 step program for eating behaviors? (12 steps formward, not back). So many of the people who attend the group I go to have issues from childhood. Consider talking with your physician about depression if it feels as if it is overwhelming you. And last, individual counseling has helped me in the past.
    3384 days ago

    Even when you grieve the lack of the sort of parents you wish they had been, they are still alive and your parents ... so there's always going to be that deep-down hope that this time it will be different.

    You are amazing in your ability to continue to love them as your parents and give them yet another chance. Not all of us have that much heart. emoticon

    I hope you can find the way to still love them, but to love yourself more. You deserve to have someone love you unconditionally in the way they've chosen not to for whatever reason.
    3385 days ago
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