Interesting realization

Yeah, I haven't been around here regularly for a long, long time. I stop in every now and then, hoping that somehow just signing in will give me the inspiration to "get back on the horse." So far that hasn't happened.

I started a new job at the first of this year, close to home, so my intention was to use my old commute time as exercise time. That hasn't really happened yet, because I just enjoy my extra sleep so much!

The interesting thing about my new job - it is very similar to positions I've held int he past, but didn't really like. I went into this job with a different attitude. I know that a person is not going to like every part of their job - there are always annoying things that have to be dealt with but done nonetheless. I've been making a conscious effort to have a positive rather than negative attitude about my job, focusing on the things that are fun and not obsessing about the negative. And so far I really, really like my job. Maybe it is the shorter commute, maybe it is the positive attitude, maybe it really is just a better job. Whatever the reason, I am thankful.

One of the programs in which my new firm participates is a "Wellness Program." They give monetary incentives for people who fill out health questionnaires, get regular check-ups, monitor their weight and exercise, and several other things. I had serious doubts about participating - it seemed a little "big brother" to me, collecting all of my information, someday presumably using it to deny me health insurance or any number of things. I started focusing on all of the negative ways that information could be used against me in the future. But the incentive for simply signing up and doing the first test was cold, hard cash and I just couldn't pass it up. I knew I was going to be disappointed in what some of my results were, especially knowing I had creeped back up into the obese weight category. But I did it.

When I looked at my results this morning, I realized something pretty important. Part of the reason I didn't want to do it is because it is just easier to ignore that I've stopped taking care of myself. If I didn't step on the scale, maybe I could pretend it didn't happen. If I didn't go to the doctor, nobody could tell me I needed to watch my blood pressure or exercise more often. I wanted to be able to justify my choices to only myself. All of my "big brother" fears were really just me trying to have a "valid" excuse for ignoring again what deep down I know to be true. I'm glad the cash pushed me through, because now I cannot ignore it any more. It is right there in black and white, along with ways to do a little each day to improve each thing.

I've always been good at keeping to a strict diet and losing weight in the short term. Crash and fad diets always suited me well, because I knew that when it was over, I could have that sugar, coffee, carb, whatever it might be again. But once the diet is over, I have absolutely no discipline to stick with a healthy lifestyle. My last loss cycle (because yes, it really is a true cycle for me) I thought I had figured it out. But even though I wasn't viewing it as a diet, and I really did try to think of it as a healthy lifestyle, the weight still came back. Not all of it, so at least that is a difference this time. Somehow, I HAVE to figure out how to break this cycle. And I'm hoping that today's realization about the wellness program will help in this - recognizing when I am making an excuse for something I don't want to deal with. Maybe if I can recognize that is what I am doing each time I do it, I can stop and reevaluate my thought process.

It simply has to start with ME.