Wicked and weird
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
An absolutely rotten start to my day. Had to skip breakfast because I was getting blood tests -- no food or drink for ten hours prior to the test. That was difficult because I always eat within a half hour of rising. I felt dismal and was in a filthy temper as well.
Even though I arrived at when the lab opened at 7:30, I still had to wait an hour, under blindingly bright fluorescent lights, next to a woman who talked loudly on her cell phone while sitting directly below a sign that prohibited the use of cell phones.
But the worst was that my sacrum was out of place, so I was walking like a 100-year-old. I think it went out yesterday when I was lying in strange positions on an X-ray table. I've had this issue with my foot for a few months, and the doctor thinks it could be a stress fracture.
Let me tell you, foot pain is no fun. There are so many nerves in those tootsies!
Luckily, my physiotherapist's office is in the same building as the lab, so I went downstairs to ask him if he could fit me in. I've been seeing him for the past 5 years, and I think this is the first time I've used the elevator…but my 100-year-old pelvis couldn't manage one flight of stairs. The physiotherapist was kind enough to fit me in.
I've also been having an attack of the weepies. I think it's PMS. My friend bailed on me yesterday, and I try to forgive and be understanding but I'm pissed about it.
So, angry at friend, aching in pelvis, hungry for breakfast -- not a good start to the day.
GET TO THE HAPPY PART…. I'm supposed to be 1happywoman, right? Today, I was one unhappy woman, for sure.
The happy part is that I grabbed breakfast at a little cafe, also in the medical building, and I picked the healthiest choice, an egg on an english muffin. Then I asked her to hold the cheese and the mayo, and add some tomato, and onion if she had it. "Cooked or raw?" she asked. I saw a pan of sauteed onions on her stove, and said they looked good. She said those were for the soup she was making, and they were highly spiced with curry. Sounds good, I said. And it was! I'm looking forward to making something similar for breakfast soon.
But the big part, in case you missed it, is that I asked her to hold the cheese and mayo!!!! This is a whole new me! Dining out feels like a special occasion, so I've often used it as an excuse to eat all kinds of nonsense. But somewhere on Spark I read about a really great question: ask yourself whether the restaurant meal you are about to consume really is a special occasion.
This morning most assuredly was not. This morning was just me being caught out with low blood sugar and a surprise appointment with the physio.
I asked her to hold the mayo and the cheese!!! Pardon me while I gloat about how much I've changed!
The physio did his best, but I was still sore. I went to work. The day didn't get a lot sunnier. I was crying…at work! No, no, no! Don't want to do that. Everything hurt, and everything sucked.
My co-worker was so nice, and he encouraged me to go home. We work in a very time-sensitive, high pressure environment, and if anyone goes home sick, others have to pick up their work. So people stay even when they are disgustingly sick.
The hours went by, and I was still walking in a geriatric fashion. The physio had suggested that I come back in the afternoon if it didn't clear up, so I made an appointment, then made up a schedule for my co-workers portioning out my workload, and I left.
I didn't even talk to my boss. I was too weepy. I just sent an email and headed out.
The physio did some of his magic skeletal manipulation stuff, then hooked me up to a machine that electrically stimulated my muscles. I lay in the darkened room for a while with my back pulsing, thinking about all the things I could eat to make myself feel better.
That's what I've always done: medicate my pain with pizza and ice cream.
My goal for January and February is to see mostly gold stars on the SparkSummary Calendar -- meaning I ate within my calorie range. I just checked this month, and out of the 29 days I tracked, I have 5 days over my range and five days under. That's a little high, but next month I WILL do better. It's a moderate goal. It's not about being perfect. It's about hitting the mark most of the time, with the understanding that sometimes you shoot and you don't quite score.
The question that haunted me as I lay on the physiotherapist's table was: is it ever a good idea to soothe pain, physical or emotional, with food?
And I thought about how I would feel if I ate pizza, and how I would feel if I went home and had some veggie soup. When I thought about how I'd feel if I ate pizza, my body felt tense. When I thought about how I'd feel if I ate the soup, my body felt relaxed.
After the appointment, my back felt a lot better. I went to the grocery store, where cheesy poufs and chocolate sang their seductive songs from the shelves. I bought strawberries, fat-free yogurt, and my favourite tomato-basil rice cakes. Those are my treats now. I've been avoiding flavoured rice cakes lately, choosing to eat the plain unsalted ones. It's okay to have a treat now and then. So the salty rice cakes are my treat today.
I want those gold stars on my SparkSummary calendar because they symbolize persistence and commitment over time. Today was craptacular, but it had some good parts too. My physio and my co-worker were kind. So was the lab tech. I said, "Hold the mayo and the cheese." I chose soup over pizza. Another day of persistence: I got my gold star.