How can I ever get back to normal?
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Warning...ridiculously long and somewhat graphic...
We all have events happen to us at some point that have a profound influence on the rest of our lives. It could be a deployment, moving away from everyone and everything you have ever known, or countless other things. But what do you do if you lose something so unbelievably important to you, something you have wanted with all your heart more than anything in the world? How can you be the person you were before ever again? If you have the answer, please tell me. I would love to know because all I can come up with is...you can't. Your life is never the same.
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since our honeymoon in Feb 2010. Throw in a month here and there for school and a short deployment along the way and here we are, January of 2012 in the same spot we were before. With two major differences. Our two angel babies we never got the chance to meet. Alive anyway. After months and months of trying, I finally set up an appointment with an infertility clinic. I was so excited to finally figure out what is going on and be on the way to having our baby only to be told by the Dr. that I was too fat to have a baby and that even if they gave me fertility meds they wouldn't work because of my weight. Talk about a heart stomping, dream crushing blow to the gut! Fast forward to June 2011...we showed them! I found out June 22nd that I was pregnant with our first baby. I was so excited I didn't know what to do first. Should I tell him, should I wait for a dr appointment first? I couldn't believe our dream of starting a family had finally come true! The next day, I went and bought a build a bear (also the way he proposed so I figured it was a pretty neat idea) and dressed it up in a Navy onesie and had the positive test sitting on its lap in his spot on the couch. Then the spotting started and I panicked. I wasn't going to tell him at first, but later decided against it. We were finally pregnant, on our OWN, and I wanted him to know. The next day at 11:30 PM we were on the way to the ER and I lost the baby. It was so early on that I eventually convinced myself that it didn't happen and I was just imagining things. I knew I was pregnant for 3 days, my husband knew for 1, but those days were the happiest I have ever been, because we finally did it!
Fast forward to August 22 2011...I find out I am pregnant again! I was so thrilled and terrified at the same time that I didn't know what to do. I decided though, that I wanted my husband to know asap in case something happened again. We were doing SO good! I went to get a blood test confirmation and tried to get the dr to check my levels to make sure I was progressing like I should. She refused and said it didn't matter anyway. If we lost it, we lost it and there was nothing they would be able to do about it. Gee thanks! Talk about support! I made it to my first appointment at the hospital for orientation with spotting off and on in between. I mention it to the nurse in our extremely brief conversation about the first miscarriage before she shoved me out the door to get bloodwork done. After it was all over, the spotting got worse, I tried not to stress about it and lay down and drink as much water as I could and just took things easy. I woke up Sept 29th to clots and heavier bleeding. I couldn't take it anymore so I went to the ER while my husband was at work. They did all the bloodwork, exams, ultrasound and said everything was normal! I saw our baby and the heartbeat. I was so shocked I looked at the dr and said are you serious? The baby is still there? She said everything looked good and the bleeding should stop on its own and everything would be fine. I was so relieved. I got home and told my husband and you could tell a weight lifted off his shoulders when I said everything was ok. Little did we know how fast things could change....
I woke up the next morning to more clots and bleeding after it stopped the night before. I tried to calm myself and tell myself everything is going to be ok, it will stop, the baby is fine. An hour later, I knew I lost the baby again. In the process of trying to collect a tissue sample to take with me to the ER, I somehow managed to catch the baby. Once I finally realized what it was I cried like never before. The gut wrenching kind where your heart is shattered into tiny tiny pieces that can never be put back together completely again. There I was, alone in our bathroom, sobbing, staring at our tiny baby dead in a plastic bag. How do you ever get that image out of your mind? How can you bounce back from something like that? Please tell me because I just don't know.
I hate the person I am right now. I hate the fact that I can't give my husband the baby that we so desperately want and the grandchild our parents wish for. We get so close, only to have our dreams shattered. I hate seeing so many pregnancy announcements and feeling so angry because some women get to have a baby so easily and we can't, or just how much they take for granted the fact that they are pregnant or have their children to care for. I hate being so jealous of people. Babies are such blessings, why can't I be happy for them? Why is it always about me and how I feel? That isn't who I am. I am not this hateful person! I want to be happy for them, but all I can think about is how sad I am for myself. I can normally put it all aside, and distract myself from thinking about things, but lately everywhere I turn it is shoved in my face. I feel like such a failure. Why can't anyone tell me why this keeps happening? Why doesn't anyone else care about this besides me? Will it ever be our turn to have a baby of our own to hold, care for, and love for the rest of our lives? Can I ever be truly happy with myself ever again? I just don't know.
I wish that anyone who is pregnant or has children would see how blessed they really are in life. So what if you have morning sickness, be glad your baby is still alive inside you to make you feel that way. What, you can't sleep because your "big belly" is in the way? Get over it! You have a baby. Something that so many people would die for just to experience. Kids are fighting? Won't let you sleep in in the morning? Cherish the time you have with them because like Darius Rucker says, it won't be like this for long. Please stop taking your children for granted! Not everyone can have that opportunity in life like you do.
Out of this whole horrible experience, I have learned so much about myself. My husband and I are closer than ever. I truly believe that people come in to your life for a reason, and I would not be where I am if it wasn't for the friends I have met here in VA to help get me through this. I am a strong person, and I am a fighter. I refuse to give up on my dream of a family and I will be damned if I am going to let a dr tell me it isn't possible because I am too fat! I am going to be one damn good mother! I'll cherish every little thing that a lot of others take for granted because of what I have went through the past 7 months. It will happen. To me, any other option is just unacceptable!