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2012. Day One. And a bit of History... and a rant ... and ...

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Hello Sparkland. I've been missing for a while.

This whole Mexico thing has been a massive roller coaster ride, and I can't seem to find the exit. The ride controller went out to lunch and he never came back and I've been going round and round and round in circles of ups and downs and twists and turns. I was starting to feel a bit sick.
Then one of the other roller coasters crashed into me and I've been wallowing at the bottom of this huge pile of rubble and self pity and emotional eating and I'm done.

Sparkland ... I'm back to 255 lbs. I've gained back half of the weight I've lost. I was holding (mostly) steady around the mid 220's, low 230's ... and then all hell broke loose.

As I went out for my evening run around Halloween, a car lost control, careened around the corner, jumped the curb to the sidewalk and impacted the telephone pole that I just happened to be walking by. This telephone pole broke clean off at the bottom, and with the momentum of the car, and weight of the entire pole behind it ... the part that broke connected with my left quad. (left thigh). It picked me up off the ground, and threw me across the sidewalk into a metal gate.

The driver then revved his car, and by some mechanical miracle (for him anyway) ... drove off into the night.

Thankfully there were some lovely people there to help me. They got me a chair, and a glass of water. They called the cops and the ambulance. Sadly my spanish is still a wreck, so I could only barely communicate. The ambulance had to slice up my favorite pair of workout pants (jerks) and they wanted to take me immediately to the hospital. I told them that I'd much rather wait for my roommate (who had also gone running, just in the opposite direction!) so I could have help with the language. They made me sign a form that said I would get to an ER ASAP.

A few minutes later my roommie showed up (prompted by my neighbor who was all "OHMYGODMEREDITHJUSTGOTINAREAL
LYBADACCIDENT!!!!!!". He was a bit freaked out.

8 X-rays and 80 dollars later (gotta love Mexico) I had 3 prescriptions and an order to NOT WALK FOR AT LEAST 3 WEEKS!


I wasn't going to complain. The leg hurt like a BIOTCH.

Well. That was the beginning of the end. I started walking a little bit 2 weeks later ... but I was still very slow and hobbly. I couldn't bend my knee properly for over a month after. I spent the rest of the season an invalid. Grumpy that I couldn't do anything. But not willing to do anything ELSE. I used it as the most massive excuse on the planet. (how much of a dumbo am I?). Because then started the depression. Bad food choices ... no activity at all ... declining mental state.

I finally made it home at the end of the season and found my mobility. AND I found my lovely binge eating disorder. And off I went! And 2+ months later here I am. Back in Mexico. 255 lbs of regret.

Today I went through some of my old blogs. I got a glimpse of that old me. That ... amazing energized me. The me that was unstoppable!

I need to find that girl. I need to make her exist here and tell this depressed, defeated girl thats re-stretching out the skin on my body to take a freaking hike. How can I let some stupid drunk mexican driver get the better of me like this?

So you know what? NO MORE.

No more bihtchy, no more whiney. No more "poooooore ole me look at what happened". Nope.... I did this to myself. I will undo it. I have amazing outfits to wear ... that I can't wear. Because I keep fooling myself that it won't matter. IT DOES MATTER. Get a grip girl!

So ... today is my new day one. what did I do today? I went to the Vlog I posted when I hit 199 lbs. I played it over and over and soaked up that winner attitude. I soaked up that happy. I used MYSELF as my own motivation. (seriously... how freaking hot did I look? woohoo!)

Today is Jan 30. Day one. This means, until I fly home again, I have 5 months to find her again. 5 months to eat healthy, make small goals, and big goals, and cook amazing meals and work out like this girl KNOWS SHE CAN.

Every week I will read one or two old blogs of mine, and I will channel that energy ... that drive that I had. And I will push, daily to bring that sexy back. (you can bet that song is going to play a LOT these next 5 months.)

Will I go out with friends and have yummy things every so often?


BUT! Plan one... I am allowed TWO fun meals a week. (not DAYS. MEALS.) I will do my best to fit them into my food plan ( I will be tracking again.) If I go over in calories, I will tweak my workouts that week to create a bigger calorie deficit. (I will not eat less...I don't need to fuel my Binge disorder any more than I have already.)

At all times I will try to limit my carb intake. Can I eat them? YEP. Do I have to? nope! If I'm dying for a piece of bread, I will have whole grain and I will have it with breakfast or lunch. If I must have chocolate, I will have it as dark as I can. Etc.

I will schedule my workouts on a weekly basis (as well as my food). That way I can't excuse my way out of it. As for food... my goal this week is to create a recipe 'deck'... of 300 & 400 calorie foods and 100 calorie snacks that I can pick and choose from to create my weekly menus. Food planning made easy. I will enter these meals into my food tracker, so tracking my meals is a SNAP (and LAWD KNOWS I have enough time to do all this!!!)

Honestly I think that's one of my major problems. Too much time. When I was busy ..i couldn't think about it. I just DID. I didn't have options, I had what was in my fridge.

Here..I have too many options (thank you roommies who can eat whatever they want!) and waaayyy too much time to sit around and THINK about the food that's in the fridge.

So... I will schedule myself! And stick to it as much as possible!

So here we go ladies 'n gents. I'm bringin' sexy back. With a vengeance. 5 months. Lets see what I can do with 'em!

This is the top of my left leg after the accident.

This is the outside of the leg. Pretty right?

The pole ended up severing the top half of my muscle ... so part of it essentially tore in half. It's very weak, and there's a large section that still has no feeling at all (I can poke it and not feel it at all.) So the nerves are shot. There's also a lovely "dent" in my leg, from the muscle being severed partially. But hopefully I can start running in the next few weeks. I'll be starting from scratch ... gently and slowly. But I can't wait!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Holy craptastic! I had no idea..I am sorry I have not been a better SP friend! So glad to see that you are OK! Jeepers! Bouncing motivation to keep on keeping on ;) Hugs!
    2218 days ago
  • MAGPIE17
    Hugs, Mere. I'm right. here. if you need to talk, if you need encouragement, motivation, a shoulder to cry on, whatever. Right. HERE.
    2296 days ago
    Damn Girlfriend!!!

    I guess that pole didn't know it was messing with the wrong showed it who's boss! emoticon

    I hate that you've fallen back, but I and many others have done the same thing. I'm back to pre-Spark weight, but I can only blame myself and stress eating. I sure how the next time you're back in the Buckeye state that you'll give a shout and we can meet up for a healthy lunch and catch up.

    Best wishes!
    2297 days ago
    Mere, you are such a strong individual, and know that with your plan, you will succeed.

    Sorry to hear that the muscle was actually torn in half, but so glad that you are well on your way with recovery.

    If you need a virtual training buddy, I'm always here, and enjoyed our training almost 3 years ago (OMG Has it been that long?!?!)

    I know you'll do amazing in the next 5 months!
    2300 days ago
    I love this blog so, so much. I know it's hard to come back after a physical trauma - I was hit by a car in university and while it didn't start my weight issues, it certainly didn't help them either.

    You can do this - I know that, and I hope you know that we're all here for you to support you along the way. xo
    2301 days ago
    First of all, I am glad you are safe and on the mend.

    And for the rest of it, you were never really very far away, just hiding in what used to be your safe place. You made a new safe place though, one with sweat and muscles and big smiles and cute clothes. Glad you are moving back to this better safe place Mere. Now let's kick butt together.
    2301 days ago
  • MICHOU83
    My god, honey, I'm so glad that you're ok after such an ordeal! Don't worry about getting back to your goals, I know you can do it!
    2302 days ago
    Wowza Mere! I would say you deserved a little poor me time. I'm glad you're back at it though. Planning and getting mentally prepared is one of the hardest parts. Big Hugs! I'm so glad you're okay!
    2302 days ago
    Big hugs to you! You sound determined and committed and I know you'll reach that goal because you're effing unstoppable. We're here when you need us!
    2302 days ago
    I wish I could tell you how GLAD I was to see your name on the friend feed as posting a blog!!! I've missed your inspiration and lovely spirit so much.

    You can do it, Mere. You can! emoticon
    2302 days ago
    I am sooo glad you are back Mere!I know how much it sucks to gain a bunch of weight back- the binging, feel sorry for self crap- you are human! And, the ONLY thing that matters is that you are brushing yourself off-- and being nice to you :-)

    If ANYONE I know will make this happen- it's soo you! Because I've seen how unstoppable you are and you have inspired me to keep trying at a time when I was was not feeling it- and struggling- I hope you know that.

    Anyways, I am here for you :-)


    P.S. So glad you are doing better :-)
    2302 days ago
    Holy gamoley, Mere! 3 months recovery from such a massive injury seems like barely any time at all for such a large muscle group. You are doing remarkably well, doll. I am also thanking God that you were in Mexico where you got treated more conservatively rather than possibly US docs who may have insisted on surgery that may have mangled things worse.

    I will write to you privately what I am doing since I had been planning on sharing it with you anyway and it's not conventional Spark wisdom.
    2302 days ago
    Holy crap girl! I am glad you are ok! You got this, just take it easy and you will be just fine! :)
    2302 days ago
  • _TRIXIE_
    We're here with you, every step of the way, hon. Sounds like you have a great plan in place. More importantly, it sounds like your head is in the game, which we all know is 99% of the battle.

    One day at a time. You can do this!
    2302 days ago
  • SWAZY33
    emoticon Welcome back!
    I'm so sorry to hear all that you went through. I can relate with being on medical restrictions after my cancer surgery. I was also cleared to *only* walk and I also put some pounds on during that time but, FINALLY was able to get back to the gym and now starting to feel a lil more like "normal" me! and YOU will get there too! You have a great plan and I believe in you and will be cheering you along the way! emoticon
    2302 days ago
  • SHEILA1505
    You've got the plan and you will work it - and for a time it won't be too danged hot for you to manage. Glad that you are bringing the Sexy back into your life - and 2 meals a week - that's great - it's only 10% and there's absolutely nothing wrong with darkest dark chocolate - as long as it's not a box-ful - that's always my problem :((

    2302 days ago
    I'm so sorry for your accident. What a horrible thing to go through.
    I'm happy to hear, though, that you are ready to move past the gain that happened after. Just focus on today's choices.

    Sending you a emoticon !
    2302 days ago
    Meredith...welcome back. You've had a helluva time the last few months. But you absolutely have that winner/athlete in you that can face adversity and triumph. I love that you are going back to your old blogs to motivate yourself. You know what to can do it! Go get em girl!
    2302 days ago
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