Binge last night... :(
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Things had been getting easier. I've been eating regularly, keeping my calories where they should be, and doing yoga every day, both for exercise and stress relief. So why do the binges keep happening? I haven't had one in a while, but last night was a doozy. I only stopped once I had eaten until my stomach was painful, and sleeping was horrible last night.
I think I know why it happened... I have been getting back to normal lately after my mother's sudden and untimely death last march. It still hurts, but it's easier most days, and I don't cry as much anymore. I think last night I was trying to hold it back, because after the binge I cried harder than ever, for at least an hour. It just poured out of me; sometimes the sobs were so hard I felt I would throw up if I didn't calm down. Afterwards I was wrung out, worn out, exhausted.
I am also noticing that I am being much gentler with myself before, during, and after a binge. I'm talking gently, telling myself it's ok, asking myself if there is anything else I need other than food. I recognize that sometimes I still binge because subconsciously I haven't developed other coping strategies yet, and that's ok. It helps that I don't binge as much anymore; I think I am slowly learning how to deal with life in healthier ways.
Today is a fresh start. I am going to work, which is a positive and uplifting place, and then I'm going to come home and do my yoga. I am going to eat healthy meals regularly through the day as soon as I get hungry, and continue life as normal. A binge doesn't have to derail me anymore.
I am growing.
I am loving, good, and gentle to myself.
I am ok.