40,000-49,999 SparkPoints 46,296

making peace with where I am

Saturday, January 28, 2012

How many times have you heard to enjoy the journey? “Don’t wait until you’ve lost weight to enjoy life; start enjoying life now.” How many of you have struggled to do so?

I did, for most of the time I was losing weight. During the last few months of weight loss, I gained an appreciation for the steps I was taking, how far I’d come, the person I was evolving into. The majority of the time, though, was spent dreaming about a goal weight I equated starting a desired life.

Of course that’s not the way it happened. Last April, I wrote a blog I saved but never posted, on account of how personal it was. It discussed the issues underlying my weight, my fears about reaching goal weight, and my resurfacing struggles with emotional eating. Anyone that’s read my blogs in past months knows that maintenance has been very difficult for me as I’ve battled emotional eating and bingeing on an increasingly frequent basis. Ironically, the more I’ve tried to take the lessons learned from weight loss and apply them to other areas of my life, the more I’ve slipped back into the very habits that led to my weight gain. As I’ve tried so hard to avoid *directly* facing the problem areas in my life, the self-doubt and self–defeating thoughts I’d largely kicked to the curb slipped back into my head and have been poisoning my self-confidence.

I became so impatient with the journey! I stopped caring about progress; perfection became the ideal. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I wasn’t WHO I wanted to be. Therefore, I felt worthless. After losing over 110 pounds, the realization that self-improvement was an ongoing goal drained me. To discover that I still didn’t feel “good enough” threw me into a loop of self-hatred when all attempts at improving my life and, subsequently—in my head—my worth, fell flat, time after time, no matter the approach.

Three chapters in, Dr. Roger Gould’s book “Shrink Yourself: Break Free from Emotional Eating” addresses some of the exact issues I’d pinpointed a year ago. Even better, the second part of the book includes exercises so that I can actually take my awareness and *do something with it*! I haven't gotten to the exercises yet, but the promise of actually having steps I can take fills me with hope. While I’m not thrilled about where I am currently by any means, I’m excited about the journey again.

Earlier this week, I found an element of patience for myself that’s been lacking for months, and the finding helped pull me out of the several week-long depression that’s been imprisoning me. Tomorrow I may wake up impatient about the process again, but today, I’m deciding that I’m ok with me, just the way I am at this moment in time. I make mistakes, am flawed, and have weaknesses. That's ok.

How do YOU stay in the moment and enjoy your own journeys?
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for sharing your feelings, STARDUSTD. I don't think I can totally enjoy the journey, because as I lose weight, I have to deal with the bad things that got me to where I am. I CAN try and be more positive about my life now, and be more positive about the work I need to do to make my life happier.
    2331 days ago
    Wow, I'm glad you're making strides in the right direction, and it's GREAT that you're excited about the journey again. I hope the book and exercises bring you where you need to be mentally and emotionally. Even though none of us will ever be perfect, I still think you're pretty awesome. Good for you for not giving up on yourself!!
    2331 days ago
  • SHAMAN29
    Stardustd - I having been feeling very discouraged lately and your post really hit home with me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I think it would be wise for me to follow in your footsteps and change my attitude/outlook on what I really want to accomplish. Thank you!!
    2331 days ago
  • KANOE10
    Hi Stardust: I found the same thing..losing weight does not mean that your life will magically change. You still have the same life issues to deal with. It is an ongoing process as you said.
    I am so happy you found a book to give you tools to help you in your life.
    Good for you accepting who you are right now..None of us is perfect. All of us are learning to live a life of maintenance.
    I enjoy my journey by following healthy habits..exercise, planning my food, and expressing myself here about my feelings.
    I also totally stay away from sugar and eat low carb. This helps me control emotional eating. There is a book Willpower, discovering the greatest human strength by Baumeister where they have found that when people's blood sugar drops, their will power drops also.
    You are taking excellent steps for yourself. I hope today is a very good day for you. emoticon
    2332 days ago
  • MIRAGE727
    We all have ups and downs. I just try to stay positive as much as I can. I'm far from perfect but the most important thing for me is that I know I'm always going forward in the end and continue to do what I need to do. Perfection is not a goal for me. Having a healthy BMI, maintaining a healthy weight and being able to do a 5K, survive a Half Marathon, and enjo0y the journey is all I want. The most important thing? I really don't give a damn about negative people and the things they say. I love me for what I'm doing. I've got a "good feeling!" Much love. Be well. You have the spirit within you.
    2332 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.