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fell off the wagon, but I am back again

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I get so mad at myself when I fall off the wagon. But, when I fall off I find it hard to get back on. So sick of the rebellion against myself. I tell me it's okay to cheat, but I know that the minute I give in to temptation it will take me a very long time to get back in. I tell me it's okay to not walk one day out of the week, but every time I do take a break I can't get back to it the very next day. When I stop walking I hurt, then I don't want to go for several days. When I continue to exercise everyday I find I am motivated to go again the next day. When I stay on track and don't cheat I find I am motivated to stay on track. I have to quit listening to voices in my head that tell me I deserve a break, I deserve a treat. I have to find a break that doesn't involve not walking, I have to find a treat that doesn't involve breaking my diet.

There are not only signs on the scale when I stop walking and eating right, but also with my blood sugar, that then turns into a horrible long term yeast infection. Yep, I said it. three weeks now I have had this problem. It's my own fault. Everything I eat good or bad is always too much and it bothers my PH levels and then I pay for it.

You would think that this problem I have would be enough to keep me on track but I get so depressed I can't stop eating. I get mad at myself and subconsciously I suppose I am punishing me and instead a good beating with a belt, my own personal comfort pays the price. I am so upset with me. I really need to stop blaming myself. I mean really I know how to fix this, why can't I just bust out of this funk and do what I keep saying I am going to do and stick with it.

And to make matters worse, the hubby and I got into another argument about his eating habits again. He keeps saying he wants to lose weight, but he won't change his habits because the low fat stuff doesn't taste good. He wanted me to make a smoothie last night for him for desert. Good idea, better than ice cream or brownies which is what we really wanted. So I went to make it, I use dry fat free powdered milk, he got so upset, because he wanted real milk. I was only trying to spare a few calories because the bananas and peanut butter that he wanted in it was going to be plenty calories and he wouldn't even be able to tell the difference. I got a little upset because he wants me to make things for him but he always insists on telling me how to do it. I mean really if you are concerned about how I make things then make it yourself. He got so mad, started acting like a child, not to mention that while I was preparing to make his smoothie he was eating a string cheese, that he threw at the TV during his fit, then he threw the remote control across the room and went to bed, but not before slamming the bedroom door behind him. I mean really, all over fat free dry milk versus 2% milk in a friggen smoothie. I am done! I am not helping him anymore. So now today he is on strike, says he's not going to eat anything. Yeah that will show me! Starve yourself. I don't know who he thinks he fooling though, because I know he will head right down to McDonald's on his lunch break today and eat both of those big mac's and all of those fries. And don't forget that big non-diet coke to go with it. I swear if the man doesn't wind up with diabetes or blood pressure problems it will be a miracle.

But of course I bowed down, I said I was sorry. Because he was very angry this morning when he woke up. Fact of the matter is, that no matter what he does, what he says, I love him. I only want to help, but he says that I nag. I don't think I do, I think I just speak the truth and he isn't willing to hear it. The truth hurts. He has no idea what it is to feel hungry, he has unlimited amounts of food available at his fingertips. I think that if he actually had a hungry feeling he wouldn't know what to do with it. He would probably treat himself for heart burn or an upset stomach.

Am I being mean? I don't think so. What do you think?
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