tmi EXTREMELY private, need help

Thursday, January 19, 2012

With losing this weight I've become more confident being naked around Josh somewhat but I'm still not good at the... sexy stuff with the lights on. This morning he was being weird and I kept telling him I wanted to know why he was being so different. He wasn't being mean, he was just acting unusual. I had to take the kids to school and head to the gym for my class so I told him to give me a call if he needed to talk about anything. Right before I was supposed to walk into class he sends me a text that says "I don't know how to say this to your face because I don't want you to feel bad. We have great sex but I don't feel like you put any effort into getting ready for sex. I don't feel like you're excited about it at all and feel like it's ok to just show up to the party. I know I shouldn't feel upset about this but I do."
We have two nights a week where we sleep in the same bed because I work the night shift. Every now and then I crawl into bed with my sweats still on from class but most nights I take a shower, brush my teeth, and crawl into bed in my underwear. I have lingerie but I don't feel like I look good in it at all. I'm extremely self conscious in it. I'd rather hide under the covers with the lights off. I know he doesn't mind how I look but my extra skin is really really bothering me and him seeing it just ruins the whole thing and makes the sex really bad. So I guess I'm just looking for some answers on how to make him know I'm excited about it and how to look like I'm excited about it feeling like my husband is looking at a half way deflated balloon....

And for once on a girl topic I would actually like some guy advice.
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    I definitely agree with the people that have brought up communication. Find out what "making an effort" looks like to him. Find out what is sexy to him. He might be totally cool with cotton underwears...IF you wear them with a white tank top. I know guys that love white cotton underwear because it is simple and sexy. Other guys like the lacy stuff. Find out what HE wants you to do to make an effort and adjust it for yourself to feel comfortable. If you don't dig tiny lacy thongs and you just cant be comfy in them, don't wear them...or wear them occationally to show you are switching things up. But besides that and maybe most importantly for you - HE LOVES YOU. He probably doesn't notice your skin. He just wants you to be close to him. He wants you to love your body as much as he does so that you don't keep it from him. Get sexy girl! He loves it! emoticon
    2853 days ago
    Tricks to make you feel sexy during the transitional phase...
    ~Men's button shirts. no bra. access to breasts, but covers tummy: SEXAY!
    ~sliding your bra off your shoulders but leaving it at your waist.
    ~Dim the lights, but, have a glow...Lamp with tri-light. A bedroom must. You don't have to have matching lights...that's for in the movies. Candles with kids in the house and by the time you get them lit...I dunno, I guess I'm lazy...
    ~You have an area that you are rally uncomforatble right now being touched you'll need to work on it but feel free to relocate his hand. Say his hand slid to your hips and it made you kinda turn off...that's not his goal...pick up his hand and slide it to a place you'll both be happy with.
    ~Flirt...you know how.

    Go ahead and bring sexy back.
    2856 days ago
    I get it, girl. My boyfriend ADORES my body, but I'm soo self-conscious. Most of the time, I can relax enough to enjoy myself, but sometimes it's really hard. He'll hold me and I'm like, "don't touch me there," and he gets upset. I know he loves me, it just make me feel weird when he's grabbing my rolls. Then he'll tell me I'm not fat and I don't have 'rolls,' and I'm like, HELLOOO. Lol. We've been together nearly 8 years, and I still struggle with this.
    I agree with the other Sparkers... talk to him. But before you do that, talk to yourself. Remind yourself that he loves you no matter what you look like, no matter what you say to him. If he's as great as you're always saying, he'll understand and he won't hold it against you.
    2856 days ago
    I found that it helps to have this kind of conversation with my husband. He knows that I have self-image issues. (Hell, I was almost 300lbs six months ago.) He knows where my head is at because I tell him.He needs to know how I'm feeling and why I'm not comfortable wearing some skimpy lacy thing. Since I started explaining to him what I'm feeling, he is really understanding and tries to find ways to make me feel attractive.

    And he's my biggest supporter now in my journey to a healthier lifestyle. He has even lost a couple pounds...

    And, yes, the sex is still great!

    You can do this, hun! Just be honest with him.
    2858 days ago
    I think you are asking the wrong people! He is the one that needs to know. Ask him what that means to him? All the ideas here are wonderful but if your husband does not think they are sexy then you are wasting your time and energy.
    2858 days ago
    My husband has said the same thing. Actually I've said the same thing back to him on occasions. If you find the magic way to make things better then please share!

    I also have the skin issues. The last time we talked about my weight loss in depth he said he likes the way my stomach is now 'its so soft' Umm, ok? He said that was a good thing!? Yea, ok. Still doesn't help when his arms are around me. I don't like my midsections touched and he loves to hold me there. Figures. Three kids and down 60lbs and I guess somewhere in there I expected to look like a playboy cover. Well, not really but one can dream.

    I guess none of this is really helping you other then to say you are not alone. Just remember that he married you for you and not your weight and he is happy with what he's got to work with so try some new thigns and see what makes him happy?
    2858 days ago
  • no profile photo GIANT-STEPS
    I think communication is the key. What is your favorite part of making love? Tell your husband that you have been thinking about that a lot and you want it. Most guys love being told what to do in bed; if your attitude is "anything you do is fine" than it sounds like you are just going through the motions. Even though a lot of women feel silly in lingerie it is a major turn-on for most men. You could use lingerie to your advantage. If you are feeling a little flabby a bustier or torsolette could give you more confidence to strut your stuff.
    2858 days ago
    These ladies have already used all my suggestions! Communication, candles, and something sexier that you do feel comfortable in. Even if it's just lacey underwear instead of cotton underwear he'll notice!!! Plus if it's your skin that you are self conscious about, there is plenty of lingere, like the babydoll already suggested, that covers that stuff up!! Lots of women have extra skin from weight loss or pregnancy, and plenty of designers are on to that!
    You could also do something fun. There are all kinds of games and kits and erotic coupons and things for married couples that could be a lot of fun! I don't mean anything weird, unless you're into that of course!
    2858 days ago
    I feel like the biggest part of the problem you are having is a communication issue. People often do not realize what their actions say to others, even if they are not trying to say it. I think your boyfriend is feeling distant and neglected because even though you are not trying to tell him you are uninterested in your sex life with your body language, and your actions that is what he is hearing. If you would like my advice, I would suggest you try doing something intimate just for him, that will make him feel special to you and that the intimacy in your relationship is important to you. It sounds like he is feeling like YOU are no longer attracted to HIM. When your significant other loses a lot of weight and begins changing their body in significant ways, men can get insecure about weather or not they will still be attractive enough to keep catching your eye. It sounds like you started with an incredibly hectic schedule that you are now adding a lot of healthful activities to, which leaves less time and energy for intimacy, but I can see how it would feel like disinterest. I know this is kind of a rambling response, so I will sum up what I am trying to say: If you are still attracted to him, and the intimacy you share with him is still important to you, take an extra 5 or 10 minutes a week to really show him. It should go a long way.
    2858 days ago
  • _JODI404
    He is so sweet, to be able to open up and yet not want to hurt you.

    I would suggest using candlelight. It's more romantic than lights on, and yet not totally pitch dark. Even just a couple of tealights would be enough.

    I also suggest wearing lingerie, even if your heart is not in it. It doesn't have to be anything really extreme, even just a silk one piece short thing is really very nice. I just looked it up ~ babydoll it's called. That's probably the easiest, most comfortable thing out there, and cute too. I think men love that silk feel. I wouldn't go for anything that makes you uncomfortable, but a compromise that will make him happy without making you really unhappy.

    Hope you can work this out. Just remember that he loves you, just as you are! emoticon
    2858 days ago
    I am very self conscious about my body since my weight loss too. I have come to realize my husband loves me for me(even with sagging skin). It's all mental, really. One piece of advice someone gave me, "Fake it until you make it." As a man, he wants to be loved, adored, respected and desired. And men are visual creatures. If he loves you, he loves you. Make an effort to dress up. Maybe try leaving the lights on at the beginning and then turning them off after 5, maybe 10 minutes. Talk about your feelings. Sex is about intimacy, mentally and physically. Communication will help most of all. My prayers are with you.
    2858 days ago
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