The Corn Test
Sunday, January 15, 2012
To be fair to anyone reading this, I want to let you know ahead of time that this is a "poop" story...more specifically, about how to test if you're suffering from constipation (in a completely goofy, non-medical, exceedingly red-neck kind of way, so if you're not in the mood for a poop story, stop reading now!!
I'm sharing this ONLY because it's making me laugh. I got into a pretty involved discussion with my "interesting" mother today about constipation. When I told her the scale finally dropped for me this morning, her first supposition was that I had a good "BM", not that all of my work at the gym and with my diet might actually be finally working again. (thanks Mom, for your continued anti-support) So I had to inform her that I'm fairly regular, and am pretty darn sure that this was not the case. But not to be deterred from a good "poop" discussion, Mom wouldn't let it drop. We had to discuss not only her bathroom habits, but the habits of many of her friends, most of whom I've never met, but who I'm sure wouldn't appreciate her sharing their poop issues with anyone. :) After we worked through the constipation issues of the over 50 set (so happy I have this to look forward to), she asked me if I've ever tried the Corn Test (yes reader, you know where this is going). Apparently, one of her hippie friends swears by eating a giant serving of corn, and then timing it to see when it "makes a reappearance" to "make sure" she's really constipated. This made me burst out laughing, because the idea of checking your BM's for the corn with a stop watch in hand OR "having to make sure you're constipated" just tickles my funny bone like that. :) I didn't get into the subject of partial intestinal blockages with her because she's kind of a hypochondriac, and it would set her off, but I digress. So while I was still cracking up, she took my inability to stop laughing as her cue to continue with "It's not funny...so-and-so has been doing it for years, and it always works for her", which only made me laugh harder, because her buddy has apparently been scrutinizing her BM's for corn for years. Which earned me a "I don't see what is so funny about it, I'm considering doing it too!" Tears, at this point, but she continued on with "I'm just waiting to get all of the old corn out of my system". I had to sit down on the side of the trail in the middle of our hike, as I was in danger wetting myself on the trail. She was thoroughly disgusted with my 12-year-old-boy-sense-of-humor at this point, so she quieted down long enough for me to calm myself so that I could ask her why she wasn't just timing her current corn deposit, to which she replied "How the heck am I supposed to remember when I ate the old corn?" Which just made me laugh so hard (because if you can't remember the last time you ate corn, how are you going to remember now? Charts? A billboard?) that we had to change the subject. How indeed, Mom...how indeed. :)