Wall Push-Ups....No More Excuses!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Two weeks ago in one of the challenges I am in, the weekly challenge was to do wall push-ups. I read the challenge and immediately decided I wouldn't be able to do them. Why? Because it requires standing and I can't stand for very long. I did think that maybe I could try it sitting on a chair, but I pushed that idea aside because I didn't believe I could do it. So, I took 0 points for that challenge. It was just 0 points for me, but it also affected my whole team's total points. The truth is I often decide that I can't do things because of my mobility....and don't even try for fear of pain & failure.

I often tell my Sparkfriends to believe in themselves because I believe in them. I cheer them on because I know they will do amazing things. But, even though I have made huge strides in the last year, I still don't believe in myself. I have been making excuses about why I can't do many things. And, they are just that, Excuses.

For most of my life I have been afraid of failure. I haven't believed in myself. I haven't trusted myself. These things have been my core beliefs since I was a child. I wasn't always this way though. When I was very young, around 4-5 years old, I was super confident. I was extremely independent. I was a healthy, active, beautiful, happy & friendly little girl. I was absolutely awesome. We lived in a small town and my mum couldn't keep track of me. I would walk all over town (yes at 4 & 5 yrs old) creating my own adventures and visiting people. I ran, jumped, climbed trees and rode my bike. I never doubted myself. I knew I was awesome and could do anything I wanted to do. Then between 5 & 6 yrs old something happened to change all that. I was sexually abused by 2 people I trusted and loved. That awesome part of me seemed to have died at that time.

Now, so many years later, I have worked through a lot of that. But, unfortunately, some things just aren't that easy to break through. I'm not saying that I'm fat because of the abuse..originally that is when I started to gain weight. It was a survival mechanism. My young brain didn't know how much worse it was going to make my life. But the lies about myself that I believed are what made me get fatter and fatter.

I didn't start this blog with the intentions of revealing so much about my past....but, it is so connected with what I struggle with today that it just came out.

So, back to the wall push-ups. Yesterday I got a message on my sparkpage from WOLFKITTY, one of the leaders of the "Done Being the Fat Girl" group, asking how I made out with the wall push-ups. My immediate thought was " f____, why did she have to ask me about that?" I know the reason was because she cares about her fellow Done Girls and wanted to encourage me to try the push-ups. I really didn't want to tell her that I didn't even try. I wanted to respond to her note, so, tonight I decided I was just going to try. What was the worst that could happen? I waited until Dale had gone off to do something, there was no way I was going to let him see me fail, and I went into the kitchen and tried. Guess what! I did more than try...I DID it! I was so excited and so surprised that I started crying. I was so happy that I was doing it that I did 50!! I was thanking WOLFKITTY in my head the whole time.

Thank you WOLFKITTY for helping me to believe in myself. Thank you for taking the time to stop by to encourage me.

I know that I'm not going to believe in myself every time something new comes up...but I will remember the wall push-ups and try to believe in myself. It takes time to change your core beliefs...and this is one step closer.

And, this is another reason I love SP and all the amazing Sparkly Peeps I have met here.

If your core beliefs tell you not to try because you will fail...don't believe them!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    That is just PURELY emoticon
    2308 days ago
  • DANA5402
    That was really awesome, I feel empowered after that. Thank you for sharing your story, and ROC ON!!!! emoticon
    2312 days ago
    WONDERFUL JOB!!!! That little girl is still there, she just got scared and hid for a while! But she's coming back out now. FANTASTIC job!
    I'm so proud of you for being brave and determined!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Sending you big squishy hugs! You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to!!!
    2313 days ago
    I applaud you for recognizing your fear, why you are afraid and working through it. I was raped when I was 18, when I was at my peak shape physically. For a very brief window in my life I was actually in good shape. It took me until a few months ago to come clean with my husband about the biggest hurdle I was facing with losing weight. It's fear. I have been so scared of getting unwanted attention or worse if I lost weight. I used food and my weight to hide behind. But now it's not about fear. It's about wanting to be healthy. It's about my faith in God that no matter what happens, I'll get through it, because He gives me the strength I need.

    I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Keep up the good work so that you can be healthy and fit and don't let your past rob you of your future! =)

    2314 days ago
    Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I know all about sexual abuse. I went through what happened to you for 12 years. It messed me up for a long time. Food was the first thing I found that made me feel better. I am so proud of you for persevering in spite of the obstacles you were given and I think you are completely awesome. You ROCK!
    2314 days ago
    Ummm,ok so I only have one problem with this otherwise perfect blog of yours - you said that you WERE absolutely awesome. Honey, you ARE absolutely awesome!!!!!! Don't you ever ever ever EVER forget that.

    And I am proud of you for giving that part of you that feared failure the middle finger. You did those wall push ups baby!!!!!
    2316 days ago
    Twice in my life I have lost what I felt was a significant amount of weight--once was 60 lbs, once was 40--nothing close to what I have to lose now, or close to what you have already lost, but I never got past the fat mental issue. When you go to sit down you look for a chair without arms. When you go to sit on a bench you look for where the support is so that you can sit over it. When you get in a strange car you don't put the seat belt on in case it doesn't fit. Now mind you I went from 185 to 135 the first time and then from 272 to 232 the next time. At 135 I was looking for size 16-18 clothes because I didn't want to have to come out of a dressing room to find bigger size. Our bodies are definitely a barrier at times, but no where near the barrier our brain creates for us. Good for Wolfkitty for not considering that you weren't capable of it, and good for you to keep pushing to 50. Just sitting here and grinning about it.
    2319 days ago
  • CATS_MEOW_0911
    Wow, Deanna, what an amazing and powerful blog. I am SO PROUD of you for overcoming your fear and hammering out all of those push-ups. Indeed, sometimes the most major limitations are in our minds.
    2320 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your story..I'm inspired by you!! Great job on the Wall Push-Ups and way to go for trying it!!!
    2321 days ago
    Hi, D. Let me tell you that I completely identify with the abuse issue. There was a person in my life who took advantage of me under the same circumstances. It does help the survival mechanism building. In fact it is sort of like a foundation for the building. You being through two of those trials and you are still standing reflects how much courage and drive you have. I think I would have been in cahoots with you out on the town at 4-5! You would have been someone I would have wanted as a best friend! Dirty knees, bruises, scrapes, messy hair and a beautiful face with a strong little bod. I know we are still these girls somewhere. I am happy to be getting to know you. I think you are incredible.

    I am so happy that you went up to that wall and made it something to push off! Booyah!

    Keep pushing and keep believing in you! I DO! You inspire me everyday emoticon
    2322 days ago
    Thank you for sharing this, Deanna. I'm so proud of you for being so strong. That awesome part of you never died; she was just hiding out for a while. And now you are reconnecting with the wonderful, independent, brave, happy and friendly little girl that has always lived deep inside you!

    This is a tremendous step you've taken! You really can do anything you set your mind to, so pleaseā€¦DREAM BIG! You deserve a wonderful, exciting and fun life. You deserve to feel healthy and vibrant and strong! And with all the changes you've made and are continuing to make, you are getting there!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2322 days ago
    Thank you for sharing this! I've been in that survival mode and I know the lies it can slip into your psyche later on. You will overcome it, it's just a matter of time.

    It's wonderful that you took the chance and now you know it's all you ever have to do. If you find yourself forgetting, you should grab a sheet of paper, write BELIEVE on it an tape it to that wall to help you remember that you can do it, it just takes that willingness to try.
    2323 days ago
    Lady you had me CRYING!! I'm so happy for you. I started reading and the more I read the more excited I got for you. I'm so sorry what you went through, NO child (or anyone) should Ever have to go through that but for you to move forward and press on, YOU GO GIRL!
    I just want to tell you something we tell each other at church. I only way to TRULY fail is to NOT do it. If you try and fail at least you attempt. No one learns to walk the first time up. When you said you did 50, the TEARS of Joy started and I'm just SO HAPPY for you!! Show em whatcha made of! emoticon
    YOU'RE emoticon emoticon
    2324 days ago
    I always say that if you believe you can do it, then you can!! Congrats on such a momumental victory - learning you can do whatevver you want to!! I am so proud of you!! Keep working hard and make every day a 'victory.'
    2324 days ago
    Deanna, I'm so proud of you! You took a chance on yourself, and now you've seen how strong you really are! You're an inspiration to everyone that is lucky enough to know you. Thank you!
    2324 days ago
    You rock Deanna!! You have overcome so much! Every time you say to yourself "I can't do this", think of those wall pushups and all your Spark peeps that are rooting for you and give it a try. We're here for you! emoticon
    2324 days ago
  • TEMPEST272002
    I was so moved by your post. I could have written this myself 2 years ago. Sexual abuse also played a large part in my depression/self concept/obesity. And like you, I used to avoid trying new things because I was afraid of failing. Then I tried 1 thing and surprised myself. That 1 thing gave me the courage to try another & another. My motto became "I don't have to succeed, I just have to try." Through that I learned: Trying & failing isn't the awful thing I thought it was. Indeed, that was just another lie I told myself. Really, it's the failing to try that gets us in trouble. So I want to tell you that I'm so proud of you for pushing through the fear and actually trying. Let this success give you the courage to try the next challenge. You are capable of more than you believe. I want to leave you with the quote that drove me forward that first year:
    "Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth." - Kate Mansfield

    2324 days ago
    Way to go, D! It's amazing what our bodies are capable of!
    2324 days ago
    You have been through a lot in your life... it takes a lot of encouragement, inner strength, and persistence to overcome such ingrained fear of failure. I am very proud of you for trying wall push-ups :) You are a rock star!! emoticon
    2324 days ago
    First of all, let me tell you that you are beautiful, and awesome!!! I love you for who you are today! You have been so kind and caring with our friendship and I would not give that up for anything! You are a wonderful, kind, caring and positive force here at SparkPeople and in my life! I'm sorry that you've had turmoil and negativity in your past, but who you are today is a gift!

    Now, for the exercise, you are a warrior princess, you are Deanna the woman that can do whatever she puts her mind to! Look at all you've overcome and that you continue to overcome! Dale loves you for the woman you are today and he will celebrate your victories and comfort your failures...which by the way are fewer and fewer. You've challenged your mobility by walking and now wall are invincible!

    I look forward to hearing of the progress that you continue to make as you rid yourself of any doubt! YOU my friend have inspired me to push myself to make the changes that I need to make to reach my goals. I, like you can do whatever ti is I set my mind to!! Thank you for reminding me!

    Much love, my sweet and beautiful friend!
    2324 days ago
    Thank you so much for sharing this story and it really sounds like your trying to work on lots of issues in your life and your not affarid to many people here need help but are scared to addmit they are scared of failing...but you have to share your fails so sp friends can help that not happen as much we al have fails but we move on
    2324 days ago
    Deanna I know you can do anything you put your mind to! I was so moved by reading this. You are a true inspiration!
    2324 days ago
    Wow! That's absolutely fantastic, Deanna!!! I'm so glad you took a chance and proved to yourself that you can do it!
    2324 days ago
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