I put the grief away
Monday, January 09, 2012
I guess getting sick back in November was the tip of my proverbial iceberg. I did really well to not binge out over the holidays but still had a lot of stress. Christmas came and surprisingly I did quite well. That is until after new years. I was posting on a forum I had not posted to in a while and when a ticker I had set up popped up I was reminded of what I had "forgotten" . I had missed the anniversary and had not been significantly depressed. You see two years ago Christmas I almost died . The day came and I was peaceful and happy. I was okay with my world. Yes I was sad for what might have been but I felt I was moving forward. I felt so angry with myself for forgetting about it. I saw the ticker and said "who's that?" and then "Oh yeah that's who it is." I forgot. I had put the mourning away. I let the baby I lost that day go and put them away and I was mad with myself for forgetting. I have been binging ever since. The punishment has to stop. I did not forget.I remembered but did not grieve. I have decided to embrace something else in my life. I can't live in constant mourning for people who have moved on. By letting go I have freed myself. Perhaps this year I will do better than last year and release this weight hanging round my heart and the other weight that came with it. I am putting the grief away and I am embracing life right where I am. I can't punish myself for moving forward and embracing today and the joy that comes with living in today. That is my past and I no longer live there.