Is it all about moderation?
Monday, January 09, 2012
If this is the case, why can't I do it? I seem to be all or nothing. I'm either not eating chocolate or I'm eating all the chocolate in the house. I'm either not drinking or I am so outrageously drunk I suffer from a hangover for days. I'm either exercising every day or not at all.
I can't seem to find a balance. It's like a flip switches in me and I want EVERYTHING. Or nothing. I prefer the nothing to be honest, at least in the food department as at least I feel in control then. When in everything mode, I am very much out of control. I know it too and I curse myself even as I'm doing it. Hell, even as I'm planning to do it.
That's right, sometimes I plan to misbehave. It doesn't seem to matter that the food angel on my shoulder is saying 'don't do that. Please don't plan to eat that cake, it's not going to help you lose weight. In fact it will probably make you gain weight and you have weigh day tomorrow. Please be kinder to yourself and don't do it!'
But instead I listen to the chocolate cake devil on my other side who says 'it's only one slice, what can it hurt? You've been good, for the most part, this week. Don't you deserve a piece of cake? Compared to what you used to eat this is nothing. Have it and don't worry about it.'
I have this argument millions of times a day over all sorts of things. Today it happens to be cake. Even though I know that my 'reward' shouldn't be food. Even though I know it will hurt my weight loss. I know all the reasons not to do it and yet I'm pretty sure I'm still going to have cake today. And then I will feel bad about being so weak and will berate myself and if the scale doesn't show what I want tomorrow I will feel even worse and know I have no one to blame but myself.
Yet if the scale let's me 'get away' with it, it's even worse because then I believe I can in fact cheat every now and then and lose weight. As if I am getting one over on some secret system somewhere.
I lose this game. I am only cheating myself and yet...there will be cake.
Possibly I have a mental disorder when it comes to food.