Oh so careless.....

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Man I have been careless this holiday. Before Christmas and everything was in full swing, i had already gained like 7lbs. Now I have probably gained another 3-7 on top of that bringing me to an all-time high of somewhere over 200lbs!!!! This makes me want to cry, literally.

But, I cannot let this get me down. I KNOW what led to this ridiculous weight gain. Cookie binges, not tracking food, eating recklessly...It makes me sick thinking about it. I just do not understand why I consistently sabotage myself and put myself through these feelings. It is absolutely masochistic!

There are just some things I need to do...

1) I need to quit hating myself. It is natural to do mean and cruel things to the people we do not like (I am not saying this is okay, but it is something we can often justify because of our disdain). If I do not like myself, I then can easily justify and condone ridiculous behavior towards myself. That, in reality, is utterly disgusting!!!! I don't do that to people I do not like, yet I am deliberately and willingly hurting myself! I am changing this. Not tomorrow, not 3 weeks from now, but right now at 7:17am on Thursday, January 5. I can't live like this anymore. It is not who I am.

2) I need to quit waiting for "the right time." I need to realize that my life is always going to be busy. Always has been, always will be. I need to adapt to that and quit using my busy life as an excuse. I can pack a lunch of healthy foods. I can even go out to eat and get a healthier menu choice than I choose sometimes. Being busy does not mean I have to eat when I'm not hungry. And obviously food is not doing anything to help out my stress levels; it is ironically making it worse. And honestly, why am I letting myself get stressed??? One thing at a time! and Life happens! There is no reason to let setbacks get me down.

I'm sure there is more, but I think these are the things I need to work on right now. I do not hate myself anymore. I cannot make excuses anymore. Why? Because these things are making me miserable and I am sick of living in a cloud of misery because of myself. It seems absolutely ludicrous! (Because it essentially is...!)

I am my own worst enemy....not anymore. This vicious game/cycle is DONE!
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