Here I go....again.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

I feel like I've finally had enough. I've had enough chocolate, enough ice cream, enough cookies, enough potato chips, enough fast food, and enough pies and cakes. I've been in a complete and total haze of eating whatever and whenever I want for the past year. I found out I was pregnant Jan 4, 2011, and the eating hasn't stopped since then. Over the weekend, I actually told my husband that I'm sick of eating the way I have been I'm tired of feeling nauseous because of all of the sugar flowing through my body. I haven't had a piece of fruit or a vegetable in what seems like months. And in all actuality, it probably HAS been months. Unless of course, you would categorize chocolate covered cherries or raspberry creme filled chocolates a Right. I'm even tired of listening to my own excuses as to why I haven't returned to the once healthy lifestyle I had been living.

So, today, I say "Here I go again". It's a new year, it's a fresh start, and in a lot of ways, it's the beginning of me learning more about myself and rediscovering who I am again. In the past year, I've learned that I'm not the person I thought I was in many ways. This is not a bad thing. Actually, this is a good thing. I've learned that I'm much stronger, much more loving, and much more capable than I ever knew. I also learned that I allow anxiety and fear to paralyze me, which is something I need to work on. I have a lot of "New Years Resolutions" on a list for the year. I want to work on being more patient...with myself and with others. I want to start eliminating some negative influences and relationships in my life. I want to strive to communicate with my husband better. And of course, I want to get back to living a healthy and active life again. A goal inside of that is also to not be as rigid with eating as I had been in the past. I want to be healthy, but not neurotic. I want to find that healthy balance. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake occasionally and it not feel like I've thrown out the entire day. I don't want to focus on a number on the scale. I want to eat healthy and be active so that I can feel alert, energetic, and strong.

I don't know what this year will bring, but I do know that I am going to try to make it a year of self exploration and a return to health. I am not happy with the stats that I'm starting with, but I also know that I'm tired of trying to hide it. Trying to hide it, has just kept me in a state of denial and procrastination. I know I've returned to the category of "obese". Man, I hate that word. But, it's the start. I'm going to try to not let that number define me like it has so many times in the past, But I do feel it's effects. I don't like feeling tired, run down, nauseated, bloated, and sick to the stomach all of the time.

So here's to my start.
Jan 3, 2012
Weight: 195.2
Size 18
I'm excited to see how this year unfolds. I'm excited to peel back the old layers and discover the new ones. I have a feeling this will be a wonderful and memorable year. Bring it on 2012, I'm ready for the challenge...finally.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are not alone and you can do it! You're amongst friends and we will all take 2012 by storm!
    3225 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1633912
    I am so happy and proud for you. You will accomplish this, that I am 110% sure of. You have surprised yourself already in the last year, this year is going to be so positive for you!!!!

    3291 days ago
    I remember reading your blog last year and you feeling so desperate and out of control and then I remember reading your last blog and how amazed you were at how much you love motherhood and the whole nine yards :-) What I took away is that things can change- this is a journey- your own personal life journey and you get to set your own, personal "rules" which can change, evolve etc.
    I used to be a lot more rigid in my eating and then I decided to stop- dieting, obsessing and trying to find more balance in my life. It has not led to the magic weight loss path- but I did loose 12 lbs in 2011 and I can honestly say, I am a more balanced person. It's a great feeling- a feeling a progress and not perfection and that's what I want this to be about. I can work on improving myself continuously, but it does not mean that I have to weigh less, eat less and exercise more. For me, it means- to be moderate in all aspects of my life.
    I say start digging, exploring and take it all in with as little judgment as possible- all those feelings, fears etc are normal for you and it is totally okay to feel whatever comes up, as long as you don't give it power, right? I also let fear and anxiety paralyze me and when I feel paralyzed, it's really hard for me to snap out of it- it's like it sucks me in and doesn't want to let me go. I have been working on that as well and have made some improvements, but I look at 2012 as my opportunity to be brave, something that I feel like I have ways to go yet, but I think it'll be a great.

    I love your attitude- go for it!
    3308 days ago
    So excited to see you back (: You can do this. I have been back now pt through most of December but at the end my head was back on path. I have to say I feel AMAZING after workouts now I missed that feeling of the burn and the proud of myself feeling I felt. Can't want to see you shrink (:
    3309 days ago
    I loved this blog because I can totally relate!! You were able to do this once, you can definitely do it again!! Lets kick some butt this year girl :)
    3310 days ago
    Great blog! You can do it! Just take it one step and accomplishment at a time. :)
    HUGS! How is that little baby of yours doing?
    3311 days ago
    I know the feeling! Veggies were gross to me when I was pregnant, and I've done my best to avoid them since! I went crazy with junk at the holidays because I knew it was the end.
    3311 days ago
    YEA! Im so glad you are here,b ecause now we can work together to get these lbs off !!! (and yep. again for me too)
    I am starting at 191. so I am willing to do something (anything) to help you and me! get moving and stay away from the sweets (oh how I love them haha)
    anyway, your daughter is adorable!
    3311 days ago
  • PSMITH3841
    You Go Girl!!!! You know how to do it, like the ad says...Just Go For IT! Plus, when you get back into the better eating habits, Adelyn won't think of "Junk Food" as anything but a once-in-a-while treat! Better yet, maybe she won't think of Junk Food at all! Hope you had a great Christmas and I wish you a Happy & Healthy 2012!
    3311 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4416266
    You can and will do this. You have the tools and now you have the desire.
    I am in the exact same place you are with the "enough is enough" attitude. I've gained 20 pounds since October. This has to stop.
    Let's refocus and work on this together. One step at a time!
    3311 days ago
    I hear ya! I am all sugared out!!!! Good Luck!
    3312 days ago
    I would just like to point out that you are still in "Onederland"! I know you can do this, and you know you can do this! You are and always will be an ispiration for me!
    3312 days ago
    U can do this
    3312 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6892401
    It's totally a fresh start! I'm ready to be goal obsessed again!
    3312 days ago
  • ROGUE_1
    Just like the mantra on your arm says from your first half... YOU CAN and YOU WILL!!! Here's to making this year better than ever!!!
    3312 days ago
    I feel energized and ready to go too. With an attitude like that, you can go far!

    Cute pic of your wee one too. So adorable!
    3312 days ago
  • no profile photo IMATALOSS
    You and me both!!! Glad to see you back and focused. Rock on 2012!!
    3312 days ago
  • BAKER1009
    You can totally do this, and there are lots of us here willing to help you in any way we can!!
    3312 days ago
    I agree with Lori ... win that money!!!
    3312 days ago
  • ERINBEAR1876
    I am excited for you!!!

    P.S. LOVE your background. So adorable.
    3312 days ago
    Yay, yay, yay Nicole - I am very much looking forward to this journey with you. I know you can and I know you WILL do it. And maybe you'll even win some money along the way emoticon
    emoticon emoticon
    3312 days ago
    Now you just need to turn your "I wants" into "I will!" You have enough resolutions that you could probably work on one of them every couple of months that will allow you to achieve the success you desire. And now you have an extra special reason to be healthy~your little one! Happy new year and welcome back!

    3312 days ago
    I'm proud of you, Nicole! You are taking the first steps to getting back on track, and they are always the hardest! You WILL get there again, I just know it! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3312 days ago
    It sounds like you are ready to start. Now go get it!!
    3312 days ago
    You can do it!!
    3312 days ago
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