Still Wasting Time and Plans for the New Year
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
So... After writing a very emotional blog about how much time I am wasting when I could be living, I'm still wasting time and gaining weight. My binges have been getting a bit better, not as often, not as big. I joined the newcomers group for Overeaters Anonymous and slowly learning how to live binge free. I have also been attending some of the online meetings which has helped me realize that I am not alone in my binging and cravings. My family has always criticized how much I eat and always told me to just stop or just not eat garbage. My brother who has been doing fantastic on his journey has made drastic changes without blinking. Food is always on my mind, always thinking about my next meal. I love grocery shopping so I can get home to eat some of my new treasures. It's an addiction, a high, that I can't seem to escape.
On January 1st, 2010 I gave up all soda. I had tried it before and it didn't last but something stuck this time. My goal was a year. Once I achieved that year I never wanted to go back. I started drinking more hot chocolate and other sugar filled drinks instead so on January 1st, 2011 I decided to give up all drinks but tea (nothing added) and water (and the occasional black coffee).
This year (January 1st, 2012) I am giving up all white; sugar, pasta, flour etc. This will be the hardest yet. Drinks were easy. Focusing only on water did not make me feel deprived. I have done sugar free before for a month and then screwed up and it all went downhill. It was not too bad, I was able to say no to a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to before going soda free. Knowing that I can give up other things gives me the confidence that I need to do this.
I know Spark teaches to have everything in moderation. And that was my mentality too until I discovered OA and realized how addicted to sugar I am. No one would say that it is okay for a cocaine addict to have drugs as long as it's in moderation or on special occasions like birthdays. If I am ever going to beat my addiction and take control I need to get rid of my triggers. All my binges have either sugar or white bread involved. Getting rid of those will help prevent my binges.
So I have been making a list of the things I will miss. All are sugar related, cake, ice cream, chocolate.... I could go on and one. Fortunately clean eating has taught me that I can have my cake and eat it too, without feeling guilty. Whole wheat, honey, apple sauce, there are a ton of ways to have healthy versions of my favourite sugary treats. So on December 31st (my birthday) I will be having my last piece of ice cream cake.
My biggest obstacle will be my cruise in April. They have a lot of healthier food, including whole wheat options but the main thing I was looking forward to were the desserts. See, food being my focus.... Anyway I am hoping that after four months of doing without I will be able to crush my cravings and proudly survive my cruise without any sugar. If I find it completely over whelming and I need a dessert, I have already decided that I will allow myself one dessert a day. I am hoping I won't need it as there is plenty of fruit but I know that I have a plan anyway.
My other decision for the new year is to cancel my gym membership. I know that sounds like going backwards but with my work scheduling changing like it has been it is not worth my money. I hate going when it's busy which is way too often. With people joining in January with intentions of getting fit it will just get worse. After only being a member a few months and not really getting anywhere, I'm going back to what has worked for me in the past. Working out at home with videos and games let's me set my own time, not worry about travelling or how busy it is. I'm also looking into getting a treadmill so what I save from my gym membership will help go towards it.
There are my plans for 2012, I'm excited to conquer my addiction and get on with living again. I'm loving that I have a new plan and can't wait to get into a routine again. Here's to 2012!