Christmas, ankle, & T.O.M.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
I'm quickly learning.... when in doubt, blog. When frustrated, blog. When you want to throw your hands up & just give it all up, blog. I should've done this days ago.
Christmas was extremely stressful for me this year. To be honest, I'm not really sure why. I'm still just starting to come down from it (I think..... I hope). The past week has been horrible food & exercise-wise. I've definitely hit a funk.
Last Thursday kicked off the hectic-ness that continued till today. I couldn't fall asleep until 5 am that morning so I only got 4 hours of sleep before I had to get up (it wasn't until a few days later I figured out why I couldn't sleep & it was totally my fault - made mental note for future). My last final was that day & afterwards I went back to my place & packed as quickly as I could to go home for 2.5 weeks. Before going home I was supposed to meet my mom & aunt to visit my brother. Since packing took longer than I thought, I knew I'd be stuck at count when I would get there. A friend of mine had surgery that morning so on the way out of town I stopped by her parent's place to visit for a little bit at her request. It was a good visit & she seemed to be doing well. I didn't stay long & when I did leave the city, traffic wasn't too bad, but by the time I got to my brother's, they were just leaving the visitation area, which means I wasn't allowed to go in & see him. Extremely frustrated, hurt & pissed, I just got in the car & drove home. Stopped at the library for a while. Since everything was non-stop that day, eating wasn't the best & no work-out in.
Friday I helped my mom with some things around the house, did some shopping with my mom, & helped with setting up some things for Christmas. Since I was still annoyed & pissed (& overall nervous for some reason), eating wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst. No work-out again.
Saturday I made it to the Y & got a quick work-out in. I also took some time for myself & picked up a couple of last minute presents. Christmas Eve was spent with the family & my mom's boyfriend & his kids. It was a great, relaxing time. I portioned myself well with food throughout the day, & went over just a little at the meal with carrots & meat. Though later at night I ate a bit of sweets since my nervousness came back.
Sunday was Christmas at my aunt's, the time I was dreading. My extended family is not on the best of terms with each other & it's just always so TENSE, no matter what is going on or what holiday it is (or not). I did pretty well at the meals but again, helped myself to quite a bit of sweets to make myself feel better since I was so anxious. No work-out whatsoever.
Yesterday I vegged out on food whenever I did eat, eating twice as much as I normally do in a meal, having a lot of sweets. I kept telling myself that if I eat all the puppy chow & cookies now, when it's gone I won't have anything to "look" for. Of course I'd feel so full & unpleasant & bloated before I could eat it all. I did get to the Y for 35 mins of cardio. I also got new shoes so I could hopefully start jogging again. Still annoyed & pissed for some reason.
Today I got to the Y for some work-out again & my food choices were good for the first half of the day. Then I vegged a bit more than usual in a meal during dinner & ate a lot of high calorie/high sodium/high carb foods, which never makes one feel good. Let alone when it's your TOM.
In hindsight looking at the last few days:
1. My work-outs took a serious dive. Yes I was able to get some in a few days, but half the amount of what I usually do for a work-out. So instead of getting 5-6 days with 45-85 minutes total across everything, it was only 2-3 days of 20-30 minutes.
2. Food-wise I haven't made the best choices. I've tried being mindful but it just didn't work. I have tracked everything I ate but when I run the report I don't even look at the numbers because it just frustrates me & makes me want to eat more out of spite. If anything ever is in range, it's only one area usually. A lot of sweets & high sodium/high carb items were eaten - partially out of stress/anxiety/nervousness, partially because I knew my TOM was coming & I crave it to the point where I can't ignore it.
3. My ankle was still giving me a lot of pain until today. Some days were more tolerable than others. Most of the time I couldn't walk more than a short distance without having to stop or rest. That also cut out a lot of what I was able to do with my work-outs. That also could be why I was so frustrated & nervous with food, knowing that I would have to step back in that area.
4. TOM. While it was official today (finally!), I could feel it coming on in the last few days. The way I see it, there's pros & cons. Pros: I bloat up more easily & quickly, which helps me to not over-eat too much (usually) since I feel like I ate a million calories; it motivates me to work-out since I feel so much better & more 'normal' when I do. Cons: I crave sweets & carbs/sugar, a lot; I bloat up a lot with everything; I over-eat at meals because my body thinks it's never going to eat ever again for some reason.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this or why I typed all of it. I know I just needed to get it out so I can have a clean slate. I am just SO so SO frustrated with myself that I haven't picked myself up as easily & quickly as I've wanted to. I know it was just the holidays & I just had a ton of stress & I had a physical set-back, but those are no excuses. Yes it's ok to slip a bit, but I don't want to slip for good. And so I'm writing this to remind, and show, myself that these things happened & while I am not proud of them or happy about it, it's just the past. Get some rest, get a clear head, & think of a plan to help get yourself back on track again tomorrow morning.