December 26 2011 Update
Monday, December 26, 2011
Update December 26, 2011:
As I mentioned on my updated Spark page, I have been developing something that works for me, a system, I guess, for the last 4 months. It has been a struggle and a slow weight loss over this time. As of today I am a total of about 18 pounds lost since I started in the fall. And despite sometimes feeling like I can handle it, consistently doing what I need to do to lose weight has been more difficult than I ever thought it would be. But that also means that I am doing it. And it is rewarding.
I started this current positive trend this fall, when realized that unless I changed something, I would be working hard, but always starting over, for the rest of my life. I decided I would have to specifically make some sacrifices in order to change my life, and to stop this cycle.
And I have made sacrifices. I go to the gym after work almost every day, and miss out on that sleep. I gave up the TV shows I used to watch after work. I gave up vegging out at lunch time, so I can work out. I come in earlier in the morning, to get some workout time in. I allow myself to look stupid in front of others - lifting weights in front of coworkers, cute guys and scornful gym rats. I feel terrible for ignoring others' demands for my time, including my family's and any boyfriend’s, but I put myself first in order to stay consistent with my fitness endeavors.
The struggle that I go through in order to resist eating foods that will set me back or slow me down (or make me just want to keep eating more) is enormous sometimes. The desire to eat "bad foods" is sometimes overwhelming. And it's a struggle because I know that if I don't eat them, I am still on track and if I do, I am only slowing my own progress. So I could eat them. And sometimes I just don’t care, just like before. I can barely see my goals as something important to me when faced with a delicious 3 pronged pastry filled with crème at an Au Bon Pain that I can’t avoid passing. Or even just oatmeal with fruit flavor but at night when I should be simply going to sleep. The desire to eat well disappears. The desire to do right disappears. All that stays is desire.
But now I have a little voice that says, you don’t want to give up all of your hard work, right? You don’t want to start losing the progress you’ve made for a pastry, do you?
And that’s the difference – I created that voice. I am that voice. I can do this. I can win!