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Warning: this is a sad blog

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I've been in a funk.

My friend has cancer again, and since it came back so quickly, this time his chances of survival are extremely low. He is five years old. He and his family were my downstairs neighbours for several years, and now we are like family. Watching his mom and dad struggle is the hardest part.

I was going through anticipatory grief and then beating myself up because why should I be so sad when he's still here and there's still hope? But a good friend told me that anticipatory grief is a natural part of the cycle. She should know, because she's been through a lot of grief. I'm very lucky to have her wisdom and support.

I was also feeling guilty because if my little friend dies, I'll go on living. I'll survive. If he dies, his parents will be forever changed, and I'll go on living. It's crazy that I felt guilty about that, but I did.

I've also been very sad about a romantic disappointment that is basically too embarrassing to go into. Yeah. Uh huh.

So I stopped tracking my food and exercise for four days, and even stopped playing the cello. I'd just sit and watch bad TV on the Internet and knit Christmas socks for my sister. They are almost finished, and they're beautiful. Those four days of not tracking were my first lapse in over six months, and I can say this: I learned a lot from this funk.

I've continued going to the gym, and even when I ate weirdly, I still kept some moderation. The healthy habits I've picked up seem to be sticking, so that is wonderful indeed. I began to play the cello again. Tonight I found myself singing a song in my empty house.

Last weekend I baked cookies with my little friend, and we decorated them. He got to use the piping bag; I held the end for him, and he piped red and green icing lavishly onto the gingerbread. He spilled sprinkles all over. I got these cookie cutters called Ninja Bread Men…they're hilarious.

He told my my candy cane striped cookies were beautiful. He's great at giving compliments, and he's only five!!! We had a good day, and when his mom came to pick him up she said the thought of us baking gave her such a warm feeling. We showed her the cookie we made with her name on it.

I'm not religious, but please God, let him live.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh my sweet friend! I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I am so glad that you are there for your friend and his family. They are lucky to have you. Enjoy every single moment with him...this is what matters. He is here now and may still be for a long time. You don't know but you do know what matters...he is here now. emoticon
    3198 days ago
    What beautiful, loving service. And I loved Linda Jo's feedback to you...such a confirmation of your reaching out. And this: "As young as they are, these special children know their time on earth is short and are able to leave in peace when their loved ones around them are ready."

    Amor saca amor.
    -- St. Teresa de Avila
    (Love begets love.)

    Here's something to boost your spirits:

    3200 days ago
    Your blog was sad and joyous a the same time. Sad that another child has to go through such a terrible illness and that God might take him. But joyous that you and he get to spend time together and you will be there through the days to come.
    It's never easy, coping with a child's illness and what could happen.
    I know for my great grand son is 14 months old and in intensive care waiting for a new heart. We want a heart for him, even though some other child will die in order for one to be available. It's happiness and sadness all around.
    I will pray for everyone.
    Take care
    Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3200 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Oh, Tara, this is terribly sad. I am glad you and he are enjoying one another's company. What a blessing you are to him and his loving family. Sadness requires its due - I think you are handling it gracefully.
    3201 days ago
    I wish I had read this before I sent you the goodie & note :(
    I'm sorry your little friend is having such a tough time. It really isn't fair when children go before we do.
    It sounds like you made a good memory with him though. I was going to get those cookie cutters last week, but didn't end up getting them. I have the ABC (already been chewed) Gingerbread Men from the same company.
    Please take care of yourself...I know it is hard when you are hurting.
    3202 days ago
  • DR1939
    3202 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4534979
    It is always so sad when kids struggle for life. I will pray for his parents, his quality of life, and your own feelings of grief over his cancer fight. emoticon
    3202 days ago
    Sending lots and lots of love to you and your friends. It is a sad blog, but I'm glad I read it- even if my eyes are all teary. Glad that even when in a funk, you are taking care of yourself- that is a big deal. And very glad you are spending time with your young friend. Sounds like it was a beautiful day!

    More love to you!
    3202 days ago
    A very sad story, indeed. I'm sorry that you, and his parents, have to go through this. Sounds like you had a great day with him. I'm sure it means a lot to him and his parents.

    3202 days ago
  • LINDAJ0621
    We lost our middle son to cancer (neuroblastoma) at the age of 4. He was diagnosed at 2 and fought valiantly for 2 more years before leaving us. One of the things that comforted me after he passed, was knowing that he had our love surrounding him and simple joys during the few days he had on this earth. For such a young and short life, every smile, every hug, every shared happy time, is what is most important. As young as they are, these special children know their time on earth is short and are able to leave in peace when their loved ones around them are ready.
    3202 days ago
    Think of how much you helped him have a good day and I am sure he helped you have fun too! That's what friends do. They help you have fun AND can be sad for you.
    Enjoy your time with him. No matter how long or short a time we spend together on this earth, it will never seem to be enough.
    3202 days ago
    This is SO very sad. Sending love to you, to the child, and to his family.
    3202 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5128667
    Sorry about what you're going through......I will keep you, your friend and his family in my best thoughts.......this season is so difficult to deal with when one is faced with such situations.....please know that your fellow Sparkers care!

    3202 days ago
    Lots of emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3202 days ago
  • CATS_MEOW_0911
    I'm so sorry to hear this. He is lucky to have an awesome friend like you (and I'm sure he knows it), and his family is fortunate to know you.

    Much love, Tara, and hugs for you and your friend.
    3202 days ago
    I feel for you and his family, but spend as much time as you can and continue to pray for his healing. Just pray and you will be in my prayers!!
    3202 days ago
    Life is so unfair.I won't even try to give comfort because from experience I know that well meant words at these times can't help or even touch your pain.Just enjoy every moment you can with him and know that I'm here if you ever need to talk.I send you the biggest of hugs and my prayers will go out for this brave little boy. emoticon emoticon
    3202 days ago
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