The ugly truth

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

and there it is!! HOLY CRAP!!! It's worse then I thought!!

I knew it "felt" worse then what my home scale was telling me......this is just stupid!! I have gotten myself right back to where i started when i was loosing for my wedding! That just makes me SICK!!

Oh well, all i can do it look forward and FIX IT!! I took that picture last night at the gym (had to stand there for damn near 5 mins before i got a good picture...i felt like a fool!!) Thats right I said AT THE GYM!! YAY ME.....yeah…YAY me; I was there for about 15 mins (thats not including the scale photo opp in the locker room!! lol!) and bailed! I felt like such a looser......

i have to come to my own defense (not making excuses) and say that, it was my first time in a new gym. I went in hopes of being able to do a "power" class but i was too late. So i got situated at the front counter and headed off to the locker room to weigh-in, get my ipod, and head for the machines. Well......i forgot my fkn ipod! I was planning on taking a class so I guess i forgot to put it in my gym bag! UGH!!! I tried to use the machines without it but, i felt like a dumbass!! The place is TINY and the less then 30 machines they had were all facing the windows with personal tv's on each!!! To compound my "dumbass" status, i couldn't figure out how to get the treadmill to work properly and had to interrupt the very trim young lady next to me before she started her run! She actually yelled out "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?" as she yanked one earphone out, with eyebrows raised and annoyed tone.

Of course the embarrassment continued, as she then pointed out how dumb i was not to notice the HUGE GREEN up down arrows, equipped with pictures of people in motion and plus/minus indicators!!! FKN REALLY?!?!?!?! As if i didn't feel stupid before!! So, away i go walking fast (honestly i was trying to keep the pace of myoh so helpful neighbor). Yup here I go....I'm walking! Walking & listing to the white noise of the machines working. Other then the sound from the machines, it was completely silent! EVERYONE HAD HEADPHONES! We were all pointed at the same mirrored windows; i held my ground for a bit; started to get winded (red im sure). I kept my head down and eyes closed. When I did look up i noticed glances and smirks…head down, forget them, keep going..…….nope I couldn't stay. I FELT SO STUPID and defeated as i pushed the stop button and walked out of the cardio room. I went on to look at the other rooms hoping to find a circuit circle i could do, but nothing jumped out at me screaming "CIRCUIT TRAINING OVER HERE!”!

I walked back to the locker room gathered my things and LEFT!! I told the counter guy (completely mortified, since he just signed me in) that i was couldn't hang with out my headphones, and i would be back on another day. He said he totally understood and wished me a good night. Honestly i feel like saying "SCREW THAT PLACE" I'll never set foot back in that building after the humiliation i just endured. Really.......that is the attitude i left with!

I sat in the parking lot for a while feeling like a looser. Thinking about that scale and how winded i was just by walking briskly for a few mins and what everyone must have thought about me. "Look at that fat girl, she doesn't even know how to use the machine and then she gave up!!" Remembering the smirks and glances in the windows as i struggled........thats what they all had to be thinking! I started to cry a little bit, then the thoughts of food started. I visualized myself going to the drive through, then to an ice cream shop, then getting some doughnuts, then Chinese food........... It was AWFUL!!!!!

I’m proud to say that I snapped myself out of it!!! What would all that food do FOR ME? How would stuffing face HELP ME? How would I FEEL after giving up at the first sign of a challenge?!?! The answer is.......IT WOULDN'T HELP ME AT ALL!!! It would make me feel good about myself or get me closer my goals!! It would only add to that red number above, and make me feel worse then i already do!!

I sucked it up, wiped my face and headed home! I ate a "hamburger salad" with my girl and straightened up the kitchen. I wanted to do the Wii for an hour with Hannah but i got a fricken nose bleed!!! A BAD ONE!! I think leaving the heater on at night has dried out my nose. :(

Anyway, no working out last night for me; but i think i got something more valuable out of the night over all. I really feel like I found myself worth. I feel like I looked the ugly truth in the face and told it to SCREW OFF......YOU DON'T OWN ME ANYMORE!!!
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  • AMANDAK1213
    I would put money on it that we were separated at birth. Except we look nothing alike. Your experience at the gym is exactly why I do not have a membership. That is an extremely traumatic experience and I do not care who they are....they look. And they are rude. I am sorry that this happened to you last night. I wish I was there to go with you. I am super proud of your passing of the food that we so eagerly turn to. You are amazing and that will power is in there somewhere!!! You are finding it...slowly but surely!!!!

    Text me if you need to or want to!!!
    2662 days ago
    When I see someone like that, on the street or wherever (which is where I walk) My thoughts go along the line - "Hey, at least she's out here walking" rather than thinking that they can't do it or can't keep up. But it is what they CAN DO!

    I don't/won't go to a gym, I just am not comfortable... And I've got a bike, a treadmill and lots of areas to walk also, so that's enough for me.

    I wish you luck on your endeavor... Some people are so mean!
    2663 days ago
  • CECE0330
    One thing I've come to realize is: We only feel the way others WANT us to feel if we let them control us. I'm a very insecure person by nature, but at some point, I just decided "eff it." I'm doing this for ME, not the strangers in the gym. You have to just develop a harder shell, hold your head high, and most importantly, laugh at YOURSELF when you feel silly. It feels much better to be IN on the joke than feel like the butt of it!

    Next time you go to the gym, remember those words: YOU DON'T OWN ME! and how you felt when you thought them first.
    2663 days ago
    Good for you. I am glad something positive came out of your bad experience. Good luck in the future!
    2664 days ago
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