11/28: Reason #1
Monday, November 28, 2011
The first reason is that I never want to be that person again.
I've lost my way. My motivation lately has been nil and everyday has been a struggle, ten different struggles actually where I have to fight just to get out of bed in the morning. But, of course, when one is lost, the best thing to do is draw a map.
The first point on a map to chart is where I've been. I have to remember where I was. I picture a day when I woke up and weighed 286.6 pounds. My back and hips ached from laying in my bed. I was tired even though I had just woken up. Going to the kitchen, I opened a can of soda and lit a cigarette. I sat at the table, smoking and drinking more soda. After a bit, I would head to the living room and park in front of the television until it was time to go to work.
It was one in the morning when I got home. Mcdonalds was right on the way and lord knows I liked that angus burger. I can still feel the calories, fat, and salt entering my bloodstream, making me sleepy. I would watch some tube and go to bed.
I didn't go out much. I was embarrassed about how much weight I had gained. I didn't want anyone to see me like that. The jiggle of my body was ugly and disgusting. I didn't love it or take care of it. I just hated it. I didn't understand what it meant to truly be in my body.
That was where I was.