Read this and digest this: A message to myself

Monday, November 28, 2011

Such an important part of my life.

It's just SO powerful. I need to ask myself and answer this question: "How does the weight make you feel?" In the comments of that post someone writes, "Your thoughts about compensation really struck me in this post…I’ve never really considered how much of the rest of my life serves as a sort of apology for being overweight…it’s not necessarily conscious but…it covertly sounds something like…”I’m so sorry that I’m fat…let me put your needs before mine…let me do everything else perfectly…let me go above and beyond so maybe you could love me in spite of my weight."

I could have written that very thing. I try so hard to help others, constantly (!!!) put others' needs before my own. Constantly. I always, always, always, go above and beyond... and why? Just so maybe someone else will like me IN SPITE of how I look and in spite of the fact that I am overweight. One reason I feel such shame about being overweight is that I KNOW that being overweight is like the secret you can't keep. There is deep pain there and the pain is reflected as fat and excess weight. So it's like walking around with a giant scarlet letter on me all the time, even when I'm naked, saying, "Hi. I CAN'T DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONS." It's embarrassing and shameful that everytime I can't deal with something or someone I eat. Or save that feeling for later and binge.

I think I've buried my emotions and pain for so long, I'm not even sure what started this behavior. Where does it come from? My parents divorce? Something earlier than that? Something later? I'm not even sure. I need to do some serious self-reflecting and exploration because until I know what started this behavior I'm not sure I'll fully be able to change my behavior.

To end this on a good note: I do realize and fully admit that I am overweight because I can't deal with my emotions. I run to food for comfort and security and forgiveness. This behavior is NOT healthy. I need to NOT DO THIS ANYMORE. This is the best I can do today.
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