Saturday, November 26, 2011
Let me start by saying, I hate this time of the year. I wish I could make the days between October 31st and January 1st disappear from the calendar.
I'm a compulsive person who wishes to please everyone. That way I get some positive vibes back which I need desperately. I'm an adult without an ego, without a good self-image, so I need to get it from others. This becomes very stressful and I get very angry with myself. So goes the vicious cycle.
A month ago, in an attempt to get my weight under control, I joined Curves. The membership is being paid for by my senior health insurance plan. I can come and go at my own time, work at my own pace and meet others like me who are trying their best to stay healthy while facing their senior years.
Last Tuesday I weighed myself to find that I had gained 5 (FIVE) pounds in one week! I collapsed mentally. I forgot that I was creating muscle which weighs more than fat.
For days, I believed I was a failure, the worst person in the world. I wanted to crawl into a cave and disappear. Instead, I had to go to dinner with my daughter and her family who had just arrived from Arkansas for Thanksgiving. I had to go to Thanksgiving dinner (w/o my partner who won't go anywhere there are crowds or kids - even though I needed him with me).
Finally, Thanksgiving was over and things calmed down for a day. My daughter and family are visiting others and will return tonight. In the meantime, something "clicked" in me and I decided I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. Yesterday was a blessing: calm, peaceful and relaxing.
Next Sunday I leave for my third Caribbean cruise with my best fibro friend. I had been dreading that, too. But not anymore. We're going to spend 12 days together doing whatever we want. Christmas shopping is over so there won't be a frenzy of purchasing when I return. And, no one is getting Christmas cards this year. Most of those I send out are to people I've never even met. How ridiculous is that!
Happy holidays to all - and please, for your sake, make them truly happy! Do what you want to do, not what's expected of you.