Back to work...back to Spark

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It seems like forever since I've been on here. I'm so sorry that I haven't been checking in and keeping touch with all of my spark friends. Hopefully you'll all forgive me! :)
The past 10.5 weeks have gone by so fast. I have to admit that it's been the most exhausting 10 weeks of my life, but it's also been the most incredible at the same time. For my entire existence, I've been terrified to become a mother because of my experience with my own. I was certain that I just wasn't born with a "mother gene". I never felt comfortable around kids. I never wanted to hold babies, never wanted to play with them, just felt completely awkward and honestly, felt that if I never had kids, I'd be fine with that. And then Adelyn came along. I never knew a love like this could exist. In many ways, I feel like my life didn't truly begin until she came into my world. I now know the meaning of a mother's love. Although this makes me even more angry with my own mother, because having my own daughter, I just can't fathom not telling her I love her everyday, not wanting to know how her day was, or not knowing her favorite bedtime story or lullaby. I can't imagine not caring what her favorite color is, what her favorite ice cream flavor is, or why she's totally in love with the boy who sits behind her in Algebra. I have come to accept that I will never have this with my mother and know that I WILL have this with my daughter.

I came back from my maternity leave this past Monday. Man, it was difficult to leave my little lady bug. Thankfully, my husband had Monday and Tuesday off, so he watched her and brought her to see me during my lunch hour. He's a pretty spectacular husband and is definitely an incredible father. Today was the first day I had to drop her off at Dakar. Those poor Dakar workers. I'm sure I'm not the first mother to sob as she left her child at Dakar, but it definitely felt like it. Thankfully, the Dakar is only a block from my office, so I'll be making regular visits on my lunch hour...and some sneak attacks just so I know they're taking good care of my baby! :)

So, I'm now back at work full time. This of course means that I'll have much more time to Spark and reconnect with my spark friends. This also means that I need to get serious about getting healthy again and getting back into shape. I'm not sure how to get even a sliver of that motivation back that I used to have, but I do hope that by being back on here, that I'll be inspired again. I stopped weighing myself towards the end of my pregnancy, but I'm guessing I ended up around 215. The few weeks following delivery, I had lost about 30 pounds due to the craziness of being a new mother and some medications I was on for the complications I was having. Sadly, all of those 30 pounds didn't stay off. After my appetite returned (as well as the uncontrollable snacking), I have put about 10 back on. I'm sitting around 190. Ugh. I have a long way to go from where I was before I got pregnant. Sometimes it seems like it will take forever and I get so angry with myself that I let it happen. I certainly didn't need to gain 85 pounds during my pregnancy. I look at pictures from before and want to be that person again. I look at pictures from the present and am so sad and unhappy with what I see. But, all I can do is start. I want to feel like I did last summer when I was in the best shape of my life and actually ran a half marathon. I want to feel like I'm healthy again. I want to set a good example for my daughter someday and want to have tons of energy to play with her. I did it before and I know I can do it again.

So I'm asking for some help from all of you. I'm asking that I can reconnect with all of you and get inspired by all of you like I've done in the past. I can't say that it's going to be a perfectly smooth road ahead, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to gain some momentum along the way.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Ahhhh.. you have an incredibly adorable little girl! And, from those pics of her and you, you look great!

    I know how it feels not to be in the shape you want to be in and I think if you chip at it one day at a time, it'll all start coming together!
    3319 days ago
  • BAKER1009
    I can only imagine how difficult it was to return to work. With my last, my husband was home to take care of our son, but it was still hard!
    I hope you are beginning to adjust some. You sound like a wonderful mother!
    My motivation has been lacking the last few months, but I'm back on board and will help you in anyway that I can! SP ROCKS!
    3340 days ago
    I'm looking for some motivation myself! We can do this!!

    Congrats and best wishes.....

    Let me know if / when lia sophia sounds appealing again! :)

    3340 days ago
    I had some similiar issues with my mother, and still to this day do not have a good "bond" with her. I knew I wanted to have children and I also knew that I would NEVER treat them the way I was treated. Hugs and "I love yous" are an estential part of a child's life!

    3344 days ago
    Welcome back SF , congrats on the precious baby girl , I am sure your mother skills will come natural as did mine after to a very hard relationship with my own mother , god gives you the kind of kid he thinks you will cherish and will inspire you both. It's hard to get back to work for sure and it's even harder to leave that little one( I remember those days :( hang in there on your weight thing , it will come off now you are back to your normal routine , it took 9 months for it to add up , so give yourself that much time to get back to your before prego weight !! Congrats again to motherhood , it will change your life and heart forever !!
    3346 days ago
    Welcome back!! emoticon
    3347 days ago
    We would all love to deliver our babies and weigh exactly what we did when we found out we were expecting them. But, in the course of your history this is a totally manageable and temporary, and somewhat necessary step. I have never been in better shape since my babies were born, because the stress of parenting was only manageable with regular exercise. I look and feel better than ever, AND have lovely little girls to play with. Anyway, if you didn't have to lose the baby weight, you would be too busy to come visit sparkfriends. Glad your back, and especially happy to hear your husband turned out to be a great daddy. You can never be sure what kind of dad they will be, but when you win the lottery and get a great one, there is no better feeling.
    3351 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1633912

    Congratulations on signing back onto Spark. All of your SP friends here will without a doubt welcome you back with open arms. I am so emotional reading your blog, and the love you speak of for your little girl. You are clearly already an amazing mother. Enjoy this day with your loved ones!!

    3352 days ago
    YEA for being back!!! I know you can get back in the groove- if you need ANYTHING at ANYTIME you can text me! seriously andrew and I are up at all hours haha
    seriously Im so glad you are back!
    3352 days ago
  • LOVE_2_RUN
    Congrats!!!!! Glad to see you back on SP. You will get that motivation back because you want to be healthy and want to be a good role model. Those thoughts will help you push through any slump you are in. emoticon
    3353 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6811492
    I got goosebumps when you talked about how you will break the mother daughter cycle that existed with you. I'm so happy and thrilled for you and your new little family. Babies are the best! I'm not a mama, but a super proud auntie to 2 little girls, and I would do anything in this world for them.
    You will get healthy, do it for you, your daughter, and to set the example. I'm always here to support you friend!
    Congratulations once again!
    3353 days ago
    You just made me teary-eyed at the hair salon! I'm in your same boat. We can do this. We just need to love ourselves as much as we love our girls. Xoxo
    3353 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/23/2011 12:24:02 PM
  • KARVY09
    What you wrote about your mom made me cry. I feel the same way and I hope I have the same feelings when I hold my daughter in about a month.

    Past is past. Look at the number where you're at now. It's only downhill from there.

    Love ya!
    3353 days ago
    Welcome back
    3353 days ago
    Glad to see you're back on here!!! I always did LOVE your blogs (that's how we become friends!) You can sooo totally do it Nicole - one day at a time. Emailing you now...
    3353 days ago
    3353 days ago
  • BONJI40
    Hey Nicole!!
    You know I'm here for you!! I know you'll get that motivation patient. It will come.

    Reading about your discovery of what a mother's love is was incredible...what a wonderful experience, and I'm glad you have experienced what it really is about!! Little Adelyn is so lucky to have you both as parents!

    So, I expect to see you around SP, and I'll check in with can do this!! Remember, you are an athelete!! : )
    3353 days ago
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