First step...all over again.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
So I started sparking almost 2 years ago! I realized over the past few weeks, how much I need to be here more often. SO here I am... At 280+lbs. and stretching out my size 28 jeans, all I wanted was to be a size 10, at all costs.
2 years later I haven't gotten there yet. But I am really not going to beat myself up- I am really proud of the past 2 years. I might not have shrunk as much as I wanted, but WOW have I grown.
My mama (begoniac) and I started together. She has been WAY more successful than I. She lost over 120 lbs and is right at 150- size 8/10. She looks AMAZING. She has kept it off and I am SO proud of her. She lost more than pounds...she dropped the anguish that helped her put it on in the first place. Really, really, really proud.
And then there's me... I said I didn't want to beat myself up, right?
My husband and I have gone through some horrible money problems. We are in the midst of bankruptcy- loosing our house, cars, every little thing we have. It has been miserably hard. But it seems like we are rounding the corner... December 8th we have our hearing, and can start over- officially. I am really proud of the fact that loosing it all has just cemented what we DO have. I love him more now than ever before. 19 years later, it is still good- richer or poorer.
Dealing with the stress has been a challenge. It was almost as if I couldn't keep up with taking care of myself...because I had to deal with the mental burden of the money issues. I let the exercise go and we cocooned.
In the midst of all this, my brain went on the fritz.
My oldest son was diagnosed with adhd a few years ago. I had been taking zoloft for 10+years...anxiety issues more than depression...After sparking and exercising for months, I was feeling horrible- which I knew was wrong. Brain chemistry is so difficult to deal with. It is so linked to personality- and there is such horrible stigma attached. So not feeling good, I had talked to my doc and upped the dosage...and was at a really high dosage and feeling 'wrong'.
So I made an appt with my son's psychiatrist. After talking, she added another drug on top of what I was taking...which made me feel even worse. A month later and 15 lbs added to my butt, I returned. We changed the medicine. She decided I was bi-polar. I whole-heartedly disagreed, but went along with the diagnosis and tried new meds...who knows right? Depacote. Within a week I had gained another 8 lbs.
After months of working hard to loose my 35, I had gained over 25 back and was out of control, couldn't move- felt HORRIBLE. So I started doing research. I realized there was major overlap with my son's symptoms. Somehow, I got the doc to try me on a ritalin derivative. I have had to try a few different meds to find the right one, but I think I have...
Okay- not to sound idiotic, but I feel like I have found the magic key that has unlocked me...For the first time in my life I feel even. I have been keenly introspective- in trying to figure out why I am as I am- for well over a decade. And I have gained so much self acceptance- and compassion- when it comes to my brain chemistry imbalances. I KNOW THAT giving your body what it needs to be successful is the greatest form of self kindness.
But I never extended that thought process to my relationship with food. Odd that I would understand it implicitly when it came to drugs, but not with food. Food has been a drug for me for as long as I can remember. It really is just now, that I have taken on one facet of me...that I feel like I can get a handle on the rest.
I have begun to loose in the past few months. I actually bought my first 20's since my single victory pair- short lived last year... And yesterday I went to the thrift store and got 2 pairs of 18's! I haven't worn 18's since before I was married.
I haven't weighed myself since the end of August. I was at 267. I go to the doc this week, so we will see.
I have returned to sparkpeople. When I lost the 35 last year it was so slow... but it was really good. I felt smaller then, even though I am physically smaller now. I know I need the exercise and I need to be more conscious of what, how and why I am eating. And I miss the camaraderie of this place. The friendship of strangers - helps. Having a place to air the dirty laundry, and talk freely about the complicated bullship of a relationship I have with food and my body. I just love it. It is special. And it is important.
So, my excuses have stopped being excuses. They are my reasons...It has been a HARD year. Truly SUCKED. I'm not sure if it is because our finalization of the bankruptcy is nearing (or the drugs talking) but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am ready to take care of me. I am hopeful...