11/20: One/And How Losing Weight Is Like Going To See The Wizard.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
So, I'm sitting here watching the Wizard Of Oz. It's my favorite movie. I love it's optimism and cheer, reminding me of the special occasion it was to watch it when I was a child. We only had two channels and the Wizard came on once a year. Mom would make a special dinner, usually with a dessert which was rare, and she'd let us stay up later than our nine o'clock bedtime. It was the third biggest holiday in our house.
As I was watching, I was entering my food in the Nutrition Tracker, and I noticed that the movie was lining up quite nicely with the ruminations I was having about my journey thus far. I set the tracker aside and started watching intently.
Dorothy is unhappy with her life, wanting something more "somewhere over the rainbow." She doesn't know how to get there, but it's got to be better than dealing with Mrs. Gulch who wants to take her dog and being ignored by her family and the hired hands. After the lose of her beloved pet, she sets off for places unknown meeting a charlatan who directs her back to where she was.
It does to me. It's been a long struggle to get my life to a place I would be if not happy, then content. A happy place felt like it was as far away as over the rainbow. For years, I pretended that the sheer cruelty of others didn't bother me. It was frustrating that the extra weight was all everyone saw. My friends and family loved me, but they ignored the weight. For this, I love them and resent them, but I understand not wanting to upset the caramel apple cart. I began to feel like the elephant in the room. No, really, I did.
I set out a thousand times to change, a thousand little moments that I had aha's when I saw some fitness product that let someone drop a hundred pounds without changing their habits. But alas, the fortuneteller was just looking through my basket and telling me what I wanted to hear.
So Dorothy gets whacked on the head and travels to Oz where she meets witches obsessed with geography and couture. One she lands a house on, another wants to kill her, and the third points her in the right direction. She travels down a road and meets other needy people until she gets to the emerald city where the wizard is supposed to help her, but he sends her to the bad witch for an accessory. Dorothy melts the witch and takes the broom to the wizard who, as it turns, can't do jack.
Really? (Side note, what is the obsession with shoes and brooms, which might as well be a purse?)
I don't know if I had an aha moment or if someone whacked me on the head, but I felt as big as a house and I decided enough was enough. I sat on the witch who was the voice in my head that started telling me that this is what my life was going to be so I might as well eat everything with cheese in the title. This, of course, really ticked off self doubt and fear who were running the show. They went to DEFCOM 1 and starting working overtime.
But I found SparkPeople, the good witch sans the meringue dress (maybe the shoes and broom go with). My goal was just to be thin, wear cute clothes, and make my ex boyfriend lose his mind. That was my Wizard and it was just as useless as an old man behind a curtain. I was on my way to it when it struck me that the things I was picking up, smarts and heart and courage, served me better than any old vanity based revenge fantasy. I know stuff about nutrition and exercise and that lets me make better choices. My heart is literally and figuratively stronger. And, for the first time, I believe in my own ability to accomplish whatever I try.
In a way, even though I still have sixty pounds to go, I've come to the end of the movie. Glenda is behind me with her wand and I'm clicking my heels. I learned that the power to be happy, not content, but happy was inside me the whole time. Yea, I want to lose the rest of the weight and I'll keep at it, but that stopped being the point a long time ago. I'm just living, happily ever after.
P.S. I get the boot off tomorrow.