Contemplations On Grace (Or A Lack Thereof)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Yesterday, in the middle of my Bollywood Aerobics class, my ankle popped, no big deal - my joints/body pops all kinds of weird these days as I lose weight - sometimes I can feel it getting ready to pop in an area. The draw back was, when my ankle popped, I lost my focus and my leg buckled, and I fell - HARD - today I am nursing an ankle twice the size of the other and swollen 4-5 inches up the leg as well, along with a knee that feels a bit twisted

This got me to thinking, because I haven't turned my ankle in a long time - when I was younger I did it all the time - and after thinking about this for awhile, I've realized the following

emoticonwhen my body is growing or changing, I have major balance issues

this makes sense why I had so many problems in middle and high school - I thought it was because I was clumsy, but I think it was because I didn't know how to function in my changing body - the last time I hurt my ankle really bad like this was when I lost weight from 280 to 250ish - I think I had gotten used to being a certain way, and losing the weight threw me off balance - this time I am nearing a 40lb loss, so...

emoticonthis body is foreign to me

I just recently blasted my stuck point of 215 into a million pieces (okay, that's dramatic, but that is kinda how I feel) - "if" I was this weight in high school (which I kind of doubt based on the class rings) it was for a really short time, and my body was still growing and changing - I was more likely this weight in middle school - right now I feel like I've gotten a new body - I'm starting to see knee bones and neck bones (the start of collar bones) that I have NEVER seen before - you know that feeling when you are driving a car that isn't your own, and you are mortified that you might wreck it because you don't know where everything is, including the blind spots - uh, yeah, that feeling

emoticonmy reactions are not my own (or rather not my old ones)

am I even changing this much? when it happened, I don't really remember even being too embarrassed - when I got home and related the story to my husband, the first thing (very first thing) he asked me was if I cried - I looked at him like he was crazy - "no!" - but he remembers the old me I guess - that old me that would have been embarrassed, cried, and would have quit instead of finishing out the class

emoticonautomatically thinking of how I'm going to solve this

the old me would have taken it as a sign that the exercise needs to stop - immediately - and then probably given up the dietary end too - but now I'm almost panicking - how am I going to get in my exercise, what do I need to modify, how long is this going to take to heal - maybe I need to start swimming more while this heals, etc, etc

Despite the challenges, I kind of like this new me emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD8066537
    I hope your mending well and I agree this changes are awesome you are growing into your new body! congrats!
    3191 days ago
    I hope you feel better soon. I loved your insight into your new experiences and body. I know you will navigate these new challenges. emoticon
    3192 days ago
  • LADYBUG1107
    I hope that your ankle feels better soon.
    3192 days ago
    I'm liking my new me, too! Lots of light bulb moments--and you will conquer these challenges! Rest that ankle well, follow doctor's orders. I'm hoping it will heal uber-quick and you will be back at it! In the meantime, you can still do (some) core and upper body workout! :-) The game isn't over... the rules have been tampered with!

    3193 days ago
    AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME! Your attitude and insight are truly remarkable! You are a true inspiration to anyone and everyone who reads your blogs!

    Congrats on all your weight loss thus far and I'm praying for a speedy recovery for you!
    3193 days ago
  • MARYMO22
    great blog - hope your ankle gets better soon
    happy new you....x
    3193 days ago
  • BLOSSOM2344
    Love hearing about the mental attitude change! Confidence & hope will help get you through this little set back. Wishing you good health and healing thoughts. emoticon
    3193 days ago
    awesome blog and soo can relate to everything you wrote!
    3194 days ago
    I like the new courageous you too! You are doing such an incredible thing in continuing to fight for what you want AND analyze what it is that works for you as well as what does plus the whys! It's so important to know why we do things ... or why things happen to or for us. You are on the way to a whole new inside and out future! Don't slow down ... keep going! I mean after your ankle is healed up, of course! emoticon You rock!
    3194 days ago
    You go!! I do understand what you mean about not being used to your body! Weird feeling!

    I'm sorry you twisted your ankle. Get thee a good ankle support. You might need to wear it for several weeks until it heals.
    3194 days ago
    Take care of your new body! It is the only one you have. emoticon

    3194 days ago
  • BLH507
    I agree with the xray just to make sure you are okay. I walked around on a broken ankle for months a couple of years ago. I turned it on a cobblestone street in Pompeii and continued walking on it for the next 10 days in Italy thinking it would get better when I got home. I ended up at a foot specialist a few months later after a boot for a month. I wore either a boot, cast or brace for several months before it was better.
    3194 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9543726
    It's a good new-me to have. :)

    If the ankle keeps giving you issues, or your knee, I highly recommend a chiropractor who will work on your hips. I turned an ankle back in the spring when I stepped on a rock the wrong way, and it hurt for a month until I saw my chiropractor and he fixed the spot in my knee that was wrong. I thought it was my foot, and I'd been wrong all along...
    3194 days ago
    Me, too! (And, by the way, I love your page background, too!)
    emoticon emoticon
    3194 days ago
    Katie.. with that much swelling you might want to consider getting an xray. That is a lot of swelling and if there is a break you want it taken care of properly. My dad was a tough guy and did NOT when young.. and it never healed right. Now he had to have it fused.

    As for your new body.. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!
    3194 days ago
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