NATARSHAD

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Letting Go & Letting God, This Too Shall Pass

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I have been in a funk for the last couple of weeks because of emotional baggage that I have been carrying. I was with the father of my daughter off and on for well over 13 years and the relationship was really toxic. I did everything I could to try to make the relationship work, but he never really appreciated or valued me. It was as if we could never find a middle ground. Either we were extremely happy or extremely miserable with each other. He took me and my loyalty for granted.

Although we broke up, I was still a really good friend to him. Even when he sabotaged a potentially great relationship with a wonderful guy (eventhough Mr. Wonderful and I gave it another go, I don't think he ever got over how my daughter's father ruined our relationship the first time around). He had to go through a major surgery, and I was right there. I was there and his girlfriend at the time wasn't there. He lost his job recently and was not entitled to any unemployment compensation. I did not stress him over support for our daughter. Instead, I encouraged him and ministered to him in a moment of despair.

Secretly, I was hoping that one day we'd find our way back to each other and raise our daughter together. I was hoping that he'd realize that I was the one that had been there for him when everyone else had turned their backs on him and it would mean something. I was hoping that I really meant something to him. I thought that I was worth fighting for.

Well, three weeks ago I found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend and was now dating someone new. The very next week he broke the news to me that he would be marrying this new chick in December. emoticon WTF?!!! Talk about a whirlwind romance. He just ended one relationship in September and by October he is engaged to be married in December.

I was so angry and hurt all at the same time, because I realized that he would rather go from woman to woman than to make things work with me, a d@mn good woman. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that he really didn't want me. I went through a range of emotions. I went from feeling unattractive, to feeling not good enough, to feeling like there is something wrong with me. I had to deal with these extra negative emotions on top of the existing ones I had regarding my obesity. This situation really had me down in the dumps big time!

Thank God I have a close friend that I was able to share what I was going through with. She allowed me to cry, told me that what I was feeling was normal, prayed with me, and encouraged me to grieve and move on.

Lately I have been talking to God a lot about this situation and many others, and he has been revealing things to me. He has given me confirmation in the most unexpected places. I know that he is truly working on me, because through this entire ordeal, I have not turned to emotion eating. That is something that I have been notorious for in the past. As a matter of fact, the night I found out about the engagement, I almost went to McDonald's and ordered half the menu. I shut that thought down the moment it popped into my head. Instead, I went to Long John Silvers and got the broiled salmon dinner.

I cannot say that I don't think about him and the situation on a daily basis. I just think about it much less. It doesn't hurt quite as much anymore, but it does still hurt. I do not know how I will feel the actual day of the wedding, but I will have to face it head on since he wants our daughter to be his flowergirl. I will not be in attendance, and instead, I hope to be in the company of family and friends doing something really fun.

I know that in time, God will heal this wound and send me the person that will truly love me and value me. In the meantime, I am working on me. I realize that I must love me and value me so that I will not allow myself to endure a situation like this again. I must get to the place that I like and accept myself, flaws and all. If I do not like my weight, then I must change it. I cannot continue to be so negative towards myself. I am a good person with a great heart. I love my family and friends and treat everyone with respect. I am a loving mother and will lay down my life for my daughter. In the meantime, I am letting go and letting God! emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NATARSHAD
    Thanks ladies for all of your comments and encouragement!!! It really sucks to have to go through this, but I know God has something awesome for me on the other side.
    3190 days ago
  • EXQUISITEDEE
    You are the doing the right thing...Letting Go and Letting God. He really does know what best for us.
    Even though it is painful you will gain strength and courage.
    Love yourself and do things that will make you happy.

    Take care.
    3193 days ago
  • GODSBEST
    Oh my goodness - this is pretty close to my story (without a child and a few other details). He did tell me he was getting married (and I found out that he did) and he wants us to remain friends (hun!!) and wants to call and chat sometimes (going to end that cycle - he's another woman's husband and I will respect that).

    I went through the same emotions, but then I remembered that God told me to leave that relationship a long time ago and I made the choice to stay, so I can't completely blame him without taking some of the blame myself. I was trying to do my own thing and make God fit into my plans (duh !!!). You are right in that it hurts less and less each day. My life did not depend on being with him, I have accomplished so much and that's what I look at. And why in the world would I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me !?! I'm better than that. And just how long do I plan on brooding what isn't and won't ever be? How will I ever be prepared to meet the person God has for me if I keep singing the "somebody done somebody wrong song" - oh please !!

    I am 55, fierce, fabulous, and fun - the man who gets me will get a fine specimen who is "fearfully and wonderfully made". My ego took a hit, but my Spirit jumped up and reminded of who I am and most importantly whose I am (girl, I'm preaching to myself - LOL !!

    That chapter in my life is over and done - never to be repeated (I bet you when God talkes this time my ears will perk up !!). I am so looking forward to the next chapter and I thank God everyday for the spouse that he will bring me that loves him unconditionally and I get the overflow of that love. And because Psalms 37:4 says he will give me the desires of my heart (and apparently he put that desire in me), then that desire has to come to pass.

    I hope something I said encourages you. I'm still working through the bitterness and anguish, but then I snap/slap
    myself out of it and realize that life is TOO short to be pondering the "what ifs" of yesterdays.

    You are a good person with a great heart and you have the power to change whatever it is you don't like - You Can Do This !!
    No longer sit on the sidelines - life is waiting for you to get into the game - so go play !!
    3193 days ago
  • SWTONU2000
    I agree with Time4Tracy, Let go & let God. You are on the right path by not falling back on on emotional eating. You have someone in your life that loves you unconditionally. All moms are super heroes, & I'm pretty sure your baby girl thinks that way about you. Keep your head up Diva, God never gives us more than we can handle.
    3193 days ago
  • FORBANDE
    Even if it doesn't feel like it, you are in a great place. One where you are taking care of yourself. You are an amazing woman and if he doesn't see that, you don't need him. You will continue your journey and find a man who will honor, respect and LOVE you for who you are.

    And as your title says, Let Go and Let God. =)
    3193 days ago
  • TIME4TRACY
    Thats the best thing to do. Let go and let God. He does not deserve you and somewhere out there is a man that will love, respect, treat you right, love your daughter etc.
    In the meantime take care of your self, love you and leave the rest to God.
    3193 days ago
  • SHAWNEDA
    You're in such a great place. Don't think about what could have been with him, continue to look at it from God's perspective. Get that Beyonce song and rock it until you know that you are the "BEST THING HE NEVER HAD!" It is clear he didn't think he was worth the love and loyalty you gave him or he would have recognized how precious you are and cherished you. You will go on to be more fierce, fabulous and awesome than you can ever imagine and without someone who was unable to see the beautiful and exceptional woman you are right now. It sucks to be him right now. But you, you're about to spread your wings and fly. Keep sparking!
    3193 days ago
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