I have been in a funk for the last couple of weeks because of emotional baggage that I have been carrying. I was with the father of my daughter off and on for well over 13 years and the relationship was really toxic. I did everything I could to try to make the relationship work, but he never really appreciated or valued me. It was as if we could never find a middle ground. Either we were extremely happy or extremely miserable with each other. He took me and my loyalty for granted.
Although we broke up, I was still a really good friend to him. Even when he sabotaged a potentially great relationship with a wonderful guy (eventhough Mr. Wonderful and I gave it another go, I don't think he ever got over how my daughter's father ruined our relationship the first time around). He had to go through a major surgery, and I was right there. I was there and his girlfriend at the time wasn't there. He lost his job recently and was not entitled to any unemployment compensation. I did not stress him over support for our daughter. Instead, I encouraged him and ministered to him in a moment of despair.
Secretly, I was hoping that one day we'd find our way back to each other and raise our daughter together. I was hoping that he'd realize that I was the one that had been there for him when everyone else had turned their backs on him and it would mean something. I was hoping that I really meant something to him. I thought that I was worth fighting for.
Well, three weeks ago I found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend and was now dating someone new. The very next week he broke the news to me that he would be marrying this new chick in December.
WTF?!!! Talk about a whirlwind romance. He just ended one relationship in September and by October he is engaged to be married in December.
I was so angry and hurt all at the same time, because I realized that he would rather go from woman to woman than to make things work with me, a d@mn good woman. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that he really didn't want me. I went through a range of emotions. I went from feeling unattractive, to feeling not good enough, to feeling like there is something wrong with me. I had to deal with these extra negative emotions on top of the existing ones I had regarding my obesity. This situation really had me down in the dumps big time!
Thank God I have a close friend that I was able to share what I was going through with. She allowed me to cry, told me that what I was feeling was normal, prayed with me, and encouraged me to grieve and move on.
Lately I have been talking to God a lot about this situation and many others, and he has been revealing things to me. He has given me confirmation in the most unexpected places. I know that he is truly working on me, because through this entire ordeal, I have not turned to emotion eating. That is something that I have been notorious for in the past. As a matter of fact, the night I found out about the engagement, I almost went to McDonald's and ordered half the menu. I shut that thought down the moment it popped into my head. Instead, I went to Long John Silvers and got the broiled salmon dinner.
I cannot say that I don't think about him and the situation on a daily basis. I just think about it much less. It doesn't hurt quite as much anymore, but it does still hurt. I do not know how I will feel the actual day of the wedding, but I will have to face it head on since he wants our daughter to be his flowergirl. I will not be in attendance, and instead, I hope to be in the company of family and friends doing something really fun.
I know that in time, God will heal this wound and send me the person that will truly love me and value me. In the meantime, I am working on me. I realize that I must love me and value me so that I will not allow myself to endure a situation like this again. I must get to the place that I like and accept myself, flaws and all. If I do not like my weight, then I must change it. I cannot continue to be so negative towards myself. I am a good person with a great heart. I love my family and friends and treat everyone with respect. I am a loving mother and will lay down my life for my daughter. In the meantime, I am letting go and letting God!