So much has changed ... losses and depression..but..

Sunday, November 06, 2011

I use to be good at this. Keeping a journal and just letting my words help me express my feelings and deal with just about anything. I've lost myself for a while.

I thought after losing a job, facing a foreclosure and my health taking a nose dive in 2007 that nothing could get worse than that .. until my biological grandmother passed away that same year, as well as my step-father's mother. I retreated home to my Mother in 2008 and spent the next couple of years trying to get a grip on life.

I decided to return to Chicago in 2010 with renewed energy and after everything that I had been through.. I still felt like things would get better... until Mom passed away June 5th, 2011.

Still shaking my head and wondering what the hell happened.

One minute me and Mom are talking on the phone, laughing and chatting about her next visit to Chicago and the next minute my step-father calls me to say Mom is being rushed to the ER for chest pains.

My Mom suffered a heart attack, and the doctors found severe artery blockage and she needed a triple bypass.. after hours of pacing back and forth she came out of the OR with flying colors.. out of danger we all thought. but within hours, her vital signs took a nose dive and within days she was depending entirely on machines to keep her alive. We all prayed and prayed that her heart would get strong enough to beat on its own, and that her breathing would improve.

I never thought that I'd lose Mom so soon, she was only 58 and was turning 59 next month.

My sisters and I are still trying to wrap our heads around this, and know that Mom is still with us in spirit - but miss her immensely.

I decided to return to sparkpeople to get my head on straight and get serious about getting healthy.

I think about Mom daily, and still cannot believe she is gone. I was there until the very end, and remember looking at her face when she took her last breath. She seemed tired, so tired. Mom did so much for everyone, and anyone. So giving, and loving. I love you Mom, and I miss you.
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  • LEEDZ09
    emoticon emoticon So sorry for your loss emoticon emoticon
    2359 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2362 days ago
    Until a person experiences a devastating loss such as this, you just can't grasp the enormity of it. I have two words for you - if you are even able to atually 'hear' words yet. FAITH and TIME. Wait, dear one, wait and wait and wait. Just keep waiting and knowing - she has entered a different realm but you can never ever lose her. With time and a deep abiding faith, you will be able to deal with this. You will not "get over" it. It has been almost 7 years since my son has been gone. There is no "getting over" it. But I lead a regular life now. Yes, he is always on my mind but I can stand it. May God give you the "peace that passes all understanding."
    2362 days ago
    So sorry for your loss. May God grant you the strength to get through this tough journey we call life.
    2362 days ago
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