Feelings of Despair and Desolation
Saturday, November 05, 2011
WARNING: THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT THE HAPPY SIDE OF THE JOURNEY. IF YOU DON’T LIKE READING ABOUT STRUGGLES PLEASE DON’T READ.
I have given a lot of thought about whether or not to post this blog but I decided that I need to be honest and hopefully getting this out there will help me come to terms with everything.
For a long time I have refused to admit one thing that in the back of my mind I have known was true because I have been afraid. I have tried to fight it and continue to deny it but unfortunately things are getting worse instead of better so I must come to terms with everything and try to figure out how to fix them. I am depressed. I know some people believe that the term depression is used as an excuse for people to be lazy and not get things done and honestly part of me has tried to tell myself that that is what has been happening with me, but I can’t continue to deny it.
Over the last six months or so things in my life have gotten progressively worse. I have had family members die, family members have surgery, and through it all I have become more and more isolated in my life. Through it all I have tried to put on a brave face and not let anyone see how I am really feeling and until recently it has been working. The problem is that it’s getting harder and harder to face things daily. I have noticed over the last few months that I have a more difficult time concentrating, I’m completely exhausted, and nothing I do seems to help. I could handle the concentration at first but it has crept into all aspects of my life. I find myself zoning out at work more times than not. I can’t sit through a television show (heaven forbid a movie) without fidgeting. I can’t sit down and read or write without getting up and doing something else about five to ten minutes in. The problem is that these issues aren’t just once in awhile anymore. I try hard to stay focused and some days I can but even then my mind wanders and oftentimes I end up in tears.
I thought I could make things better if I tried to explain things to those around me, but all they seem to do is tell me I’m wrong or I just need to try harder. That is if they done turn everything around and tell me I am being a drama queen because after all “I’m single and child-free” as if that automatically makes my life better and easier. It seems the more I try to reach out to those around me the more worthless I feel. I feel like a failure because I haven’t been able to pull myself out of this funk I have been stuck in and it scares me sometimes because I just seem to be sinking faster and spending more time wondering whether the fight is even worth it anymore.
What does this have to do with weight loss some might ask? Well in addition to spiraling out of control I have been stuck at a plateau weight wise for the last five months. Sure I have gone down about a size and a half, but my weight has been pretty much the same (although it fluctuates up and done by 2 pounds). Until this last month I had been religious about my workouts but lately I fight to do them because I am so exhausted. The month of October sucked for me fitness wise although I have been trying to be better this month.
My exhaustion not only affects my workouts but also my nutrition. My calories average out where they should be (although I often question what exactly that number is since the scale doesn’t seem to move) but I find myself doing protein shakes more and more because I don’t have the energy or desire to cook. I know I need to eat better but when it’s a fight to get out of bed the choice often goes between workout and homemade food and the workout tends to win.
I know I probably sound like I’m whining and being all poor me, but that isn’t it. I’m scared because I have never been this low before. I am starting to think I need help and that scares me for so many reasons. I hate asking people for help and I can’t afford it. So this week I will do some searches and try to come up with some homeopathic remedies. Who knows, maybe now that I have admitted it to myself I will be able to start climbing out of this pit and get back on the losing side of the weight loss journey.