So now the paranoia sets in...

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I am not a complainer. I don't like it...I'm not very good at it and I don't like people to feel sorry for me. This is one of the reasons I have not blogged lately. The other reason is that I have very low energy lately and am still dealing with the eye infection and the headaches. I would rather blog about interesting things, good news or funny things so I guess I don't blog at all these days. I do know that many of you have checked in and inquired as to how I am doing and I am touched by that. I am not really used to it. It is so kind. My extended family back in the states don't even realize that I am sick. Haven't had a call from my mother in quite some time as she is dealing issues...I suppose is the best way to put it. I am never exactly at the top of the heap when it comes to them. I am also not really thrilled with them as Patrick and I are planning a trip to Greece this summer and my folks are also planning a trip to Greece. I stupidly thought "How wonderful...we can go at the same time and they can spend some time with their grandchildren as they are retired and can go whenever they want." I was mistaken. I got an email from her informing me of their dates in Greece and they are not when we can go. She doesn't want to be away from Minnesota in the summer because it is such a nice time of year. No discussion about it. This feels very lame to me. This feels like she doesn't care to spend time with us. As grown up as I get this kind of thing still stings and even though I should be used to it by now it always bums me out. In my heart I know it is them but it still sometimes feels like it must be me.

So....low energy, still sick and a little bummed out...hence I have not blogged...or done much else but trying to get to bed early. I have been to the doctor though. He can't seem to help me so he is referring me to a specialist. I have sent my papers in and am waiting for an appointment. If I don't hear anything by Tuesday I will try and call. My vision is still not good. I can see large shapes right now but cannot read a thing or see details through my right eye. This affliction makes me very sensitive to light and yet because it is hard to see I am always trying to adjust the light to see weird.

I asked the doctor to do some bloodwork because I am concerned as to why I have been constantly sick since early September. It has been one thing overlapping another body is not fighting infection very well at all and I want to know if there is something wrong. I have another appointment this coming Wed. with him.

I don't get really sick that often but when I do it is usually not good...or rare things...I once had this thing called erethema nodosum. It caused big huge bruise like rings on my shins. They came out of no where and then eventually left with out explanation. I have had cancer on my cervix...two surgeries later and it was gone. I have had hives from nerves that covered my arms, thighs and neck. When Liam was born I had something called HELLP syndrome where my organs threatened to fail and I could have died. If I kept thinking I could probably come up with more but you get the idea. I don't like that this happens to me. I would rather be healthy, happy and NORMAL!

So now the paranoia has set in. Fears of not being healthy. Why am I not? What if something is really wrong? My energy is so low I can feel myself getting out of shape. I am sure that it is normal but I have been in shape for over a year now and I am remembering what it felt like to be out of shape. I am not a fan! I am of course also having a weigh gain creep but I just cannot bring myself to monitor my eating much aside from just trying to be somewhat sensible. I think it is because I have not been moving as much as I normally do.

I hope that when I see the doc on Wed I will be able to get some answers. I am probably making more out of it all then it really is. The eye infection has probably taken alot out of me and if I can get over this I can get back to normal. I am probably also extra tired these past days because we are going through a menu change at work and starting to get busy and I have a lot to do. I am probably extra tired because it is getting really dark here now but today is Daylight Savings time here and so everything will shift for a while but then of course get dark again...we will get down to barely 6 hours of daylight in the winter and I will be inside working during them! I have GOT to get in a better frame of mind by them...and be healthy!

So there it is. I plan on writing a blog about the unusualness of Halloween here in Norway next and there will be NO complaining or talk about my health! Norway can be a funny place on Halloween because it is a very new holiday here and not everyone participates and when they do they do all kinds of funny things like handing out waffles as treats!

Thanks for reading...thank you so much for your concern and don't worry about me. I will get better and get on with things. I do so appreciate your friendship.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo RMMARS
    where are you. you keep me going.
    " In my heart I know it is them but it still sometimes feels like it must be me." i just had to tell you , you are right. it is her and maybe that is all there is. our fairy tale mom is not the mom we are often dealt. look for those mom traits in others and let them mother you the way you need. good luck

    3241 days ago
  • no profile photo RMMARS
    i have been off spark for awhile. lazy and not eating right. but i am back and you are one of the first things i love to read. take heart. i love you, even if your family f amily is not there for you, your spark family sends support. hope the eye heals fast.
    3246 days ago
    Thank you for your candid update. I am thankful that we, as your Spark friends, can be "there" for you during this time. Big hugs....
    3250 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well, yet.

    An infection can take alot out of a person. And interference with your vision has to be so stressful. I hope the doctor has some answers for you and that you get feeling much better real soon. Then you will feel more like yourself and can tackle these other issues: next summer's vacation, family issues, work, etc.

    Also, as it gets darker here each fall, I find my mood changes - sometimes to not so good. I NEED sunshine and daylight to feel my best. It's just another challenge for me when I don't feel good. So maybe the lack of light isn't helping you feel better too.

    I do remember your blog from last Halloween and you mentioning the strange things that are handed out. I look forward to reading your blog this year too!
    I know you will take care of yourself. You are so worth it! emoticon emoticon
    3250 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9631366
    Oh so sorry - I don't even know if you can read this! Hope you get into see the specialist soon. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. Sorry about your Mom too...I understand how that hurts.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3250 days ago
    I can't believe you're still working when you can't see and are feeling so poorly. But I guess you have to do what you have to do....
    It can be really scary when you don't know what is going on with your health.
    Be assured I'm not worried about you or feeling sorry for you -- just some compassion because you're going through a rough patch. I hope you feel healthy and well soon.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3250 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/30/2011 6:45:42 PM
  • IONA72
    Hope you feel better just for getting things off your chest via your blog. I always like to hear your news and about life in Norway and don't mind at all if you feel like it's complaining, to us it does not seem that way. I certainly hope things start to improve for you soon, in the meantime, know that your Spark friends are thinking of you.
    3250 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8937156
    You probably know this already, but you should keep a symptoms log. Note the aches and pains and their duration. Suspected triggers might be good too. It's very helpful for your physician, especially if you can get your log to him/her before your visit. Diagnosis of something unusual or that shares symptoms with other illnesses can be quite challenging and takes time. It took over a year to find out about my pernicious anemia even though I went to a Naturopath.

    It seems there are more and more autoimmune problems all the time. Especially among women. Tracking them down is difficult and doesn't always help as there's often no actual "cure" although peace of mind is a lot when it comes to a diagnosis as is the ability to cope.

    Hope you get a resolution soon and meanwhile I'm thinking of you! emoticon
    3250 days ago
    When I was younger I always tried to stick to the motto - "laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone." It worked fairly well, but sometimes you just need to vent a little and have someone on your side. We both always tried to be on our kids' side, and it's a shame that your parents wouldn't change their schedule to meet with you. You rival the problems the BW has been having the last couple of years, and I really hope you get effective treatment soon. It's no fun to be sick. We'll be praying for you.
    3250 days ago
    Sending lots of hugs.
    3250 days ago
  • TERRYT55
    Doesn't sound like complaining to me.......just letting us know about your life at the moment! I'm happy you blogged as you have been on my mind. I'm sorry it's not better news. I hope you get an appointment quickly with a specialist......I know you need to feel better.

    Very sorry your parents are being poops (-: I'm so happy that Patrick's folks take an interest in your family and spend time with you.

    I love the idea of waffles as treats.......maybe not very practical but fun!

    I seldom get sick and tend to get paranoid if it's anything other than a cold........I understand the fear.

    Take care and feel better........Thanks for keeping us up to date. I'm really looking forward to reading about Halloween in Norway.

    3250 days ago
    I hope you realize that your blogs never come across as complaints to us. We all go through some hard times but you have really hit a rough patch to say the least. I so hope that you feel better and get to the bottom of all if this. You are doing the right thing by going to a specialist.

    Regarding the family, well ug. I made a tough decision to take control. I have not gone home since we moved to the Carolinas. They were weird towards my man, long story. I rarely have to remind myself that I have the best family in the world, my man and my pups. But of course this is easier for me to say because I don't have children.

    All I know is that you deserve to be happy and healthy. AND we are here for you no matter what. emoticon
    3250 days ago
    Could you swap your dates for your trip to Greece to coincide with when your parents are going ? You wouldn't have to spend the entire trip with them. Just see if it's possible to overlap some days. This way, everyone would still be able to do what they want to do on their own vacations. I love my family dearly, but after a while, we would get on each others nerves.

    And I give you a lot of credit for deciding to go to Greece. I hope the country will be more stable by then. All the rioting and strikes have put me off going to Greece. Perhaps when things are quieter I'll put it back on my list of places I really want to see.

    As for your health, it sounds like you've hit a rough patch. Because you're a busy woman with lots of responsibilities, you probably haven't had a real chance to sit back, relax and take care of yourself. If you've been under a lot of stress recently, that's not helping your immune system. Then you get a cold and when you finally think you're over it, you catch another one. You do the best you can in hopes that your body will fight off whatever is ailing you.

    3250 days ago
    I have missed your blogs and don't consider them complaining. You have every reason to be concerned. The problem is that no one seems to answers for you, and it is only natural to worry. I hate when medicine becomes a process of elimination and not the science I wish it could be.

    As for family, my feelings would be hurt as well. It has always been important for me to feel that my children had a sense of their broader family. When that hasn't been my broader family's priority, I get hurt and withdraw.

    Norway's Halloween sounds a bit like how I remember it as a child. People used to make treats to distribute. Then along came razor blades in apples and stuff like that so now you have to give things that are pre-packaged and deemed safe.

    I'm, glad you are back. Hugs!
    3250 days ago
    I can relate to your family disappointment, but in a different way. For me, it is my so called friends. I'm not in as bad a situation as many, but I'm still feeling like an abandoned ship. It stings. One in particular bothered me. I had just been rejected for the job I really wanted, and she told me to 'get over it already'. It had only just happened!

    I am so sorry about your various health ailments. Given your prior history, I can see why you would you might be worried. I am optimistic this is just a minor setback, and nothing serious. Really hope the doctor can help you. Please do let us know how it turns out.

    Waffles for a halloween treat is really funny! How awesome this holiday must be for a country that hasn't been tainted by sociopaths handing out poisoned candy. I can remember a time when I got homemade cookies for treats. I enjoyed them so much more than the commercial candies. Now days, American kids have to get packaged treats, or it gets thrown out. I envy the trick or treaters in Norway. This is all new for them!
    3250 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/30/2011 11:10:50 AM
    First of all, I will worry about you if I darned well please! You are so precious to me, and it hurts to see you in such a bad place and be unable to do anything to help you. I'd send you both of my eyes if I could (although, since I'm 58, I don't know how much help they'd be).

    That totally stinks about your so-called family, but I've been there myself. What they want is all that exists. Please imagine that I'm giving you the world's biggest hug all the way from California.

    Praying that the doctors figure out the problem and a speedy solution
    3250 days ago
    Ronna, there's not much I can add to the responses you've already received here, except to say that you sure have some smart friends. Listen to them. Real friends are here to hear the tough stuff as well as the fun stuff; filling us in on the hard times as well as the good is just part of friendship, it's not complaining.

    Oh, and waffles for trick-or-treat sounds cool. If people did that here, I'd be in costume, going door to door with a plate and bottle of syrup!
    3250 days ago
    Sure hope the doctor can give you some answers, some effective treatment, and reassurance. Thanks for sharing some of your trials. I have also observed that if you are going to be sick, get something usual. Doctors know how to treat usual. When you have unusual things, it is easy to feel like the problem is you as the doctors questions what you describe. I look forward to that blog about Halloween in Norway. Take care. Do the best you can. I've just been through 3 illnesses this summer and am finally over a 5 week cough. I'm just beginning to get back in shape. You will, too. Hang in there. -Marsha
    3250 days ago
  • DANA564
    Thinking of you. emoticon Hoping you get some answers soon!
    3250 days ago
    Don't feel like you are complaining. We are here to help by listening and offering support however we can. And we do worry about you. I haven't been on much because of double work and a respiratory infection, so I missed your last blog. BUT, know that I will pray for you and be looking for an update on your health.
    I feel for you with your parents... I looked and wished for approval for over 45 years. Finally "got" it when I decided I wasn't going to keep putting myself out there emotionally for her to trample on. Now, I call when I want and keep the conversations short. (The Man helped me to get through that one.) Keep believing in yourself! You are fabulous!
    3250 days ago
  • ERIN4771
    my dear friend....nothing wrong with venting your concerns, it's not complaining!! the family thing, it is hard, i understand, because frankly i have the same issues with mine, all i can say is it's their fricking loss if they dont' take the opportunity to see liam and quin...i would hop a plane and go myself if i could...remember, again, that;s on them...not knowing what;s going on with your eye, and in general feeling lousy is indeed a scary feeling, so i am glad you are following up with the doctors, be persistent, and you will find an answer i am for the weight creeping back on...last thing to worry about my friend, you concentrate on getting healthier, both physically and emotionally, and the rest will fall into place...til then, me, brad and the dogs are sending you hugs (the dogs send kisses, because that would be akward from us emoticon )....hang in there, and remember, you have a friend, and an extended family here in mn emoticon emoticon
    3250 days ago
    Get well soon - and stay well...
    3250 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9136158
    Understand where your coming from, I also find the caring attitude a little overkill.. I wish it was just as good in real life lol...
    3250 days ago
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