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Proceed with Caution, exposing Blog

Friday, October 28, 2011

After careful thought and looking back at things, I see that all of my coping mechanisms have lead me to where I am today. In a very unhealthy state. But how does one go about changing coping mechanisms that they have had since childhood? There in lies the question.

I can remember back when I was 7 or 8, my first coping mechanism was trying to take my life. Part was a "I'll show them, won't they be sorry" responce, part was "No one will even miss me if I do this" and the other part was "This is the only thing I know that I can do that will make my father happy with me." I went through this for over 10 years, in high school it was really bad. I pretty much avereged about 8-10 attempts a year.

Never being able to go through with it only lead me to see myself as one weak, powerless individual. Constantly telling yourself that you are weak has its toll. That's when I think I turned my suicidal coping mechanism into my eating coping mechanism. I would eat and eat and eat. Sophmore year I jumped from a size 13 to a size 18 and to this day still wish I had listened to my mom and gone to a doctor about it. I would look at my body in the mirror and just want to take a knife and cut and stab myself over and over and over again. The only thing that stopped me was the fear that it would hurl like hell. That's when I usually would go grab something to eat and shove my face with junk food.

Last year I actually did start cutting, only a few times. I was lifted up by someone who made me feel loved and beautiful only to drop me like an anvil into some bottomless pit. I'm not going to lie, the few times I did cut, the endorphin rush was simply amazingly calming and soothing and just made everything simply melt away.

Now back to the present, I have recently gone from eating lots of junk food at night, chips, home made baked goods, ice eating fruits and veggies and I think it has caused a shock to my system. Lately I have been very emotional and any little tiff I get into with my mom has got me either wanting to end it all or to take a knife and cut and stab. These feelings are so intense lately, they have never ever been this intense before. So now when I ignore them and say "NO" I end up breaking down and crying and this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to die. Sometimes its brought up just by walking in a store and not being able to get the sweets that I normally would of gotten. I just don't understand it, I didn't forsee any of these happening.

Hell, I love fruits and veggies. I had to discover yummy veggies like artichokes, asparugus, broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, spring mix lettuce, raddichio, eggplant....all in my adult life!

When I was little lima beans and peas and potatoes is what was shoved down my throat and I would fight them all becuase I didn't like them! I also remember 'helping' my mom make salads in the summer, only all the chopped up veggies would 'disappear'. So all this emotion I am going through is simply just shocking. I just hope I have it in me to continie and not give in to these dark desires.

A big part of me does feel "who am I to complain? I have had it easy compared to some people" So if anyone reading this feels like I am just complainging to complain, I'm sorry. I wrote this out for me, and there are so many details that I have left out. My mind is just a jumbling mess at the moment, so I will end it here.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    2421 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear what you have gone through! Never give up on yourself, you are worth it!!! We're all here for you if you need us!
    2421 days ago
    Just wanted to come by and offer some emoticon , Hally is there for you too, as well as the rest of SP. Sometimes when I am feeling depressed it helps me to strap Ozzy into his leash and take him on a long walk. You'll get there, you'll find what makes you happy, you just have to keep trying to move forward and live your life the best way you can. emoticon
    2423 days ago
    I'm sorry you have had to go through this struggle from such a young age. I agree with what the others wrote and girl, never give up. You are such an amazing person, and by being here on SP you are changing your life. Your support for others is awesome, and I'm so glad you are on our team for the BLC. Keep your head up and I hope you find something that eases your suffering. emoticon
    2424 days ago
    "But how does one go about changing coping mechanisms that they have had since childhood?"

    I'm going to just focus on that. What, to you, are some positive methods of coping with stresses and emotions? Before you can change, you need some idea of where you want to go, not just an idea of what you want to leave behind. Negative coping mechanisms tend to be self-destructive and to avoid not just the stress, but the root causes. Positive coping mechanisms are ones that we use to face the stress and uncover the root cause, allowing us to find at least something we can control about it.

    An example of a positive way to cope is getting a bad employment review and being honest with ourselves on whether we deserved it, asking what is stopping us from doing better, and deciding what can we control about the situation to make it better going forward. Maybe that's going to bed earlier. Maybe it's going back to school for more training or a career change. Maybe it's learning to say no to projects that aren't our job or to properly delegate to subordinates. By recognizing what we can change, we take control of the review rather than letting it ruin us.
    2424 days ago
    You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Amazing, huh? Those crazy strong emotions are probably not exactly crazy or even very strong; just like a young child learning about their feelings and how to influence the world around them, you are having to relearn all that stuff about control and proper perspective now that you're letting go of old dysfunctional coping mechanisms. . Give yourself a break. Heck, give yourself a pat on the back. And remember, time takes time.
    Be good to yourself, be safe. If you are still wanting to hurt yourself, please go to a professional. We all need help sometimes. You're worth it!

    emoticon emoticon
    2424 days ago
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