Maybe it's just 4th grade...and the gap is wider.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Maybe my problem...as I sat there doing planning tonight and thinking, *$&% it, I'll just eat until I pop...is that teaching my autistic son 4th grade is just so hard. It's really showing the gap between where he is and where "typical" grade 4 kids are like no other grade has. I homeschool him b/c he wasn't getting much of an education b/c he really needs an extremely alternate way of learning that no school could possibly offer. Without getting into that whole schmeer - the homeschooling has never been **easy** but this year it's really a huge challenge. The lessons aren't cute little 4-page science lessons with mostly pictures. No, they're ten pages of heavy facts, explanations, logic behind, diagrams that my EE and CE master's husband who is the CTO of a company said that he didn't even see until college! Really?! And I have to interpret this stuff for my seriously communication delayed child.
I can say I've had thoughts of sending him back to school, but that's like saying I'm giving up on him completely. I KNOW that his learning style can't be met in a traditional environment, and to stick him in one not only will slow his education, but will return him to all the nervousness, the panic attacks, the fears, nightmares - everything that went along with traditional school.
So, will identifying this new and very powerful push toward the pantry help me at all? Well, it sent me to the computer to type about it rather than to the fridge or pantry. So maybe analysis is a good thing. Maybe, even if nobody gives a hoot about my homeschooling problems, they can benefit from watching my journey of trying to identify why oh why I'm struggling so badly this fall.
I know I'm full of conjecture lately, but I'm grasping for reasons so that I can start to defeat them - combat them - come back at them with, sure I know but it doesn't mean I have to EAT!!
For some reason just applying that as a blanket theory doesn't work for me. I seem to need specifics. That's the anal retentive part of my character that has served me well in so many occupations up to now. Now, I'm this control freak with not enough control.
So tonight I actually told myself, while standing in the pantry gazing at what I might find, "yeah, if I eat something it won't make me feel any better - in fact it'll make me feel kind of bad about myself, like I'm so out of control." So see, maybe I can play on that control freak in my head and get HER to run things in the food department?