If you read my last Watch Me Shrink blog entry, you may know that I have been feeling "stuck" lately and that I identified that I might be afraid
So then I read this inspiring blog from APIRLRAIN888 www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
and here is my personal journey answer to it:
Like Apirlrain888, when I started this journey, I just wanted to lose weight
But in a short time after joining and going through those starter exercises on the emails they send initially, I quickly came to understand that it wasn't going to be just about losing weight for me
It was going to be about taking my life back
Okay - that sounds dramatic
But it is true - when you are overweight through your teens and your entire adulthood - you kind of miss some things - or you let yourself miss some things because you become mired in your weight as identity
Time for a new identity
In comes the scared
I can't tell you exactly what I weighed in high school - I do remember that the smallest pants I ever wore in high school were a 13/14 and I adored those pants because they were so small - I mostly wore 16s and 18s - so I'm going to take a wild guess that in high school I was probably no lower than 215
Guess where I am stuck - scared - at this very moment - 215
Every time I put on my 12s, I stare at that tag - really? - maybe the numbers got reversed - no, they don't make 21s - but they do make 22s - I used to own a few pairs - and I wore out a few pairs
215 feels safe, because I know I've been here before - I had to have been on my way up to 280
Moving past 215 means going into uncharted territory - but didn't I do that when I took a chance on opening myself emotionally to the person I eventually married? didn't I do that too when I had kids? or when I went to college?
Maybe my weight is more a security issue for me because it has been with me all along - maybe I am afraid of losing myself if I lose the weight
But maybe I'll gain the real me, or better yet, the now me
I made a little side by side comparison picture of me at the start of this journey on March 8, 2011, and me earlier this month on October 17, 2011 - I realized that in those 7 months, my little boy has really changed - but I also realized that to thrive, he must grow, and so too, must I :)
Spark On My Lovlies!
And thanks Apirlrain888 - you are amazing!