being a grown-up
Monday, October 24, 2011
With my kid sick today I have a few minutes to Spark and hope it will re-spark my life.
I think I have been hiding from life's little pressures. I was shredding some old checks today --from the 1980s when my life was truly hell with my first husband. I couldn't stop certain thoughts from going through my mind like what I'd say to him today if I ran across him. Mainly I don't have any feelings of hate, just disgust. And I'd say, "hey, it's your problem if you want to continue living that ridiculous life. Grow up."
Then I had to stop shredding b/c the thing heats up and shuts down if I go more than 15 minutes. So I was doing dishes and the thoughts came up again. And it hit me - I AM CHOOSING TO LIVE A RIDICULOUS LIFE AND NOT GROWING UP as long as I continue to allow myself to do childish things like binge all night. No, I'm not feasting. I'm just doing that weird binge thing where you get one thing, get one more thing, then soon you're just eating right out of the bag and not stopping until the bag is empty. But THAT IS MY CHOICE. And if I want my life to change, I have to choose something else. Choose differently. Choose as an adult would choose. The wise, together, intelligent woman I sometimes get tired of being.
The thing is, and here's where it gets less Dr Phil (with the black and white easy answers) and gets more real life: I GET TIRED. And when I get tired I'm like a little girl who just wants to curl up on the sofa with TV and chips. Yes, that was my childhood comfort - Taco Flavored tortilla chips (no brand endorsement here!), TV, and our comfy basement couch. Sometimes a blanket.
But...I'm no longer that little girl. But how in the world do I go from reverting to that comfort to some kind of adult comfort? How do I find it? I guess that's what this real journey is about. Learning to be a grown up with grown-up comfort strategies. But see, even the word strategy doesn't sound comforting. A bag of chips still does. I can even picture myself in my mind's eye, all cozy...
So how do we get cozy and comforted as grownups? I'm open to suggestions! List yours for me. Maybe I'll even venture over to the BF team and start a thread and see what peeps think.
I'm going to brainstorm, too.