I don't know if I have discussed my job before in great detail, but without breaching any confidentialities, I often work with populations that are at high risk for abuse. Either they were children of abuse, or they are behaving in such ways that can potential cause harm to their children. This information is important for the purposes of my blog today.
My supervisor and I were talking about a severely dysfunctional family I worked with. The mother of the children had been SEVERELY traumatized as a child. This young woman had been through pretty much anything you can imagine. As her case manager, I found it difficult to work with her, because in order to "move forward", she needed to address those issues head on so that she could learn from what happened to her. She needed to process and understand that what happened to her was NOT her fault, and that it was NOT ok. She needed to go through the hurt so she could relearn HEALTHY, NORMAL behaviors.
My supervisor said something to me that made me think: "Crystal, sometimes the traumas of our lives are just so severe that we can never fully recover from them. It doesn't mean we can't be functional human beings, but it means that we can only hope that we can recover enough to lead relatively normal lives."
Our minds are powerful things. I have talked about my "hurt locker" before....that place we stuff the hurts and lock them away, so that we hopefully those hurts never see the light of day again. To keep that locker locked, we have to feed it. For some of the people I work with, it is alcohol. Others, pills. Some, street drugs. For me, I feed my hurt locker with food.
Has it helped me through the years become more functional? Absolutely. Is the the BEST way to live my happiest life? Not a chance. I think my journey has been slowed by fear. I didn't understand WHY I was so afraid to take this journey. I think now I am.
I am asking myself to let go of the buoy and swim for shore. I am being asked to get rid of my one security blanket in life I have left for nurture and comfort me, my food. I am doing well so far, but as I see the pounds decrease, which is what I WANT, I also feel this anxiety. THAT is what has stopped me before, only I couldn't see it.
Letting go and learning GOOD comforts is my journey, NOT the number on the scale. Yeah, the number going down is WONDERFUL....but peace of mind is what I seek. Peace. I want my soul to feel as peaceful as this picture..
I hope I can "recover" from the hurts in my hurt locker. I deserve the effort. I have a direction. If you are reading this, what are you replacing food with?