Mentally, this isn't a good place.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

A week long absence from Sparkpeople, and I'm currently in a really bad place mentally.

I've spent this past week trying to right a paper (apparently not too hard, seeing as I still don't have a workable topic) for my Nursing Philosophy class, which I'm really not to fond of to start with. I don't think this paper is supposed to be too hard, but I am finding it nearly impossible.

Not helping the situation was the release of "Memoirs Of A Monster Hunter" by Josh Gates. Seriously, the man was an insperation to me before, and now ranks closer to being a god. If I could make it work as a legitamate profession, I would love to be a Cryptozoologist. But that isn't the point here, it's that Gates made me realize how little "living" I've actually done. I may only be 19, but I have accomplished and seen incredibly little.

This then flustered me to the point that I realized I've spent the past year and a bit studing nursing, a career that I have no idea if I want to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to be a teacher my whole life, until I was given the oppertunity to teach dance classes and realized the I'm not very good at it. This experiance happened to coencide with applying to University. I was completly against doing an extra year of high school, and decided to apply to nursing.

I grew up around nurses. My aunt is an RPN and my mom is a PSW. They often worked together at a nursing home, and I spent a lot of time there volunteering. I honestly do have a passion for health, so I choose nursing and *BAM* here I am today.

But now, I'm not so sure. Do I really want to pursue nursing if I dread going to my placement each week?

At one point this week, I grabbed my iPod and went for a walk. Along the way, the song "Reflection" from the movie Mulan came on. If you've never heard the song, here's the lyrics in a nutshell:

Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself
I would break my family's heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight right at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

Okay, woah. Now I'm pissed and confused, because this is the exact mind trip I've been having all week.

And now, I sit here writing this, still confused. I tried talking to my roommate, which got me nowhere and somehow turned into a discussion about going to a club with her tonight. I tried talking to my mom, which resulted in me feeling guilty about everything.

So, if you somehow managed to read through all of this, I thank you for putting up with my ramblings. Seriously, this has just been one of those weeks that I wish I could shut my brain off. But now, I need to get back to this paper (why can't i find a topic!). Please, if anyone has anywords of wisdom or advice, a comment would be lovely. My head is spinning.

Much Love, Samantha
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