I've been gone from the face of SparkWorld for a while now.
Probably since March of this year sometime.
Been through an emotional roller coaster. My world was turned completely upside down on March 28. My husband left me.
Almost 13 yrs of being with someone. Dedicated my life to him, and to our family. Sacrifice upon sacrifice to ensure his happiness - as that was where I derived my happiness from.
Almost 3yrs of marriage.
You really think you know someone. Inside and out. What makes them tick. All their favorite things. Fondest and most awful childhood memories. What they love to do. All their dreams and aspirations. Their fears and hopes. I knew it all.
I did everything a "good wife" should do. I even put aside my college prereqs for the RN program when I detected something was awry about 2yrs ago. So I could, in my opinion - "give 200%" since 100% apparently wasn't enough.
I realize this was his #1 trait. Didn't see it then...well, maybe I did - but still gave my ALL!
He never was for want in any way, shape, or form. I cooked all his fave meals, made what his interests were important to ME, supported his hobbies, encouraged and listened to him. Was patient and did EVERYTHING while holding down a 40hr/wk job while he was unemployed for 2yrs. I loved him heart and soul. Unconditionally...
So, to say the least - I completely lost what I thought was my entire world when he told me he basically had been living a double life for 2yrs with the same "chick: (you know I'd much rather call her something ELSE) that I caught him "talking to" on facebook 2yrs prior. A chick from his previous employer. Who knew all about me..who knew we had a family. Yep, he'd take her to dinner, spend time with HER...and all the while I'd wait faithfully with our 3kids at home holding down it all - losing it day by day. Well... I lost it...literally. Was put on medical leave for 2mos from work. Depression - anxiety, you name it. Just the thought of him would send me into a heart racing panic - I couldn't breathe, couldn't think straight, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat.
I don't want to go too far into this, but again, I've been through HELL. It's been over 6mos since that day and many, many hours later of countless therapy sessions - which I never believed in before - I am OK now.
There's been a lot - My eyes are open now. The haze has lifted. I began throwing myself full-force into hiking and jogging again - upon the advice of my therapist. The natural endorphins got me feeling better. I became addicted to the fresh air and feeling of just "GOING"...and sweating it all out. Letting it all go. Until I had no spare energy left to waste on thoughts of the 2of them.
I see how he didn't do anything positive for me in a long time. He was verbally abusive at times....was emotionally vacant bc he obviously was invested in "her". I'm so much more better off now. Things happen for a reason...
I haven't been doing well with watching what I've been putting in my mouth...but I have been a lot more active recently, so I consider that a HUGE plus. Just getting me back in the groove of things again, working, taking care of 2kids on my own, etc has been a challenge, but I CAN do it.
Living back at mom's now. So thankful I had family to see me through this.
HE has moved away to Las Vegas (ironic, it's where he and I were looking a few yrs back to move since his brother lives out there) - not only has my daughter had to digest the fact that he physically is in another state with another woman...he informed me a couple months back that they will be having a baby - correction TWINS. Yes...can you believe it?
OK - so in another blog hopefully soon I will write about why I know good things come from tragedy and that all things truly do happen for a reason.
A childhood best friend and crush of mine were recently reunited after almost 20yrs.
And he's been burned by women...just has I have.
The next title of my blog will be... "Enter...Frank"
I have yet to delete the old pics I have on here that have the UNMENTIONABLE person in them - please understand. Everyday I am learning more and more about myself. I learned I didn't know who I was for so long - I was who he made me. And NEVER AGAIN will I allow a man to dictate my happiness.
It has to come from within.
I AM ok. My kids are wonderful - the flessing of all blessings and I am such a fortunate mother. Thank you to those of you who may have left a msg on my page or emailed me. I've just been completely out of sorts as I'm sure you can understand.
Picking up the pieces of my life and starting out fresh - determined to stay TRUE to my SELF and to my CHILDREN. Faith has gotten me here.
I truly appreciate you all - more than you know. And now more than ever I need support. I'm usually the motivator here, but now I need to draw a little from each of you. I don't know if I will be logging on each day. I just needed to update you all so you know what's been going on and I do apologize for being absent.
And as the clouds and fog is lifting from all around me - a rainbow is slowly taking form.
All my love,